Ayla's Birthday Letter

Dear Ayla,

Happy birthday! I cannot describe how it feels to know that this day was suppose to be about you. A year ago after being in labor for three days and a half days (!!) I finally pushed you out, on Labor Day mind you! It was the defining moment in my life where in one instant I changed from a daughter to a mother. 

Today I so badly want to be baking a cake while trying to keep you out of trouble. I want to feel that exhaustion that everyone  Facebook complains about, the kind where all you want to do is take a nap but you can't because your toddler refuses to sleep. I want to snuggle you close and kiss your head, cheeks, and everything else I can get my hands on. I want to be able to reflect on your first year of life and see how you've grown. 

Today I went to your grave, I do this every Sunday too. I try to be optimistic and happy but little angel, I miss you. I also attended the temple in honour of your birthday today, I know that's what you would want. I love it there and I have no idea where my life would be if I hadn't decided a long time ago that I would always go to the temple for me.  When I could finally feel you move and felt how much you loved it there I knew that I would not only go for me anymore, but for you too. I even went at 37 weeks, the ladies looked at me like I was going to pop at any minute! I loved every minute with you there. I know you continue to 'hang out' in the temple every chance you get :). 

I invited some of our family and some of my friends to either go to the temple this week or perform an act of service in rememberence of you. I actually felt happy to have something to do with you today. It may not be the party I had started planning a year ago, but it's the best I can do. There better be birthday parties in heaven! I'll put in a word with Grandma Wood. 

I also have a special Christmas project in the works. It's a bit early to start thinking about Christmas, but as you know, time moves fast. As it gets closer I'll tell you about it. For now let's keep it a surprise. 

Things have slowed down for me a bit, my life is pretty laid back. In a way it's nice, I haven't had this much of a break in such a long time. At the same time though, I wish it would start to pick up again. I think I'm finally ready to open up again. I'm terrified to be honest but I think that I've done all I can do by myself. The other issues I have can only be healed by putting myself out there.

The kids at daycare keep me on my toes, I work with your age group actually. The kids I have this month are a year old as well. You would think that would be difficult but actually it's not to bad. As usual, I love them. I don't think there's a child in the world that I don't love. Some are easier to love then others, but they all make me smile. Working with kids makes me wonder if they can see you, do you visit me at work? Do you tell them to be stinkers? Or that I need a hug? I'm sure you do. I know that you're probably closer then I realize. 

I had an experience last week at daycare actually. I was sitting in the nap room rubbing a child's back (he had woken up and I was trying to get him back to sleep) and he was being pretty funny. He was trying to play peekaboo and continuously giggled. I admit I laughed a bit too. But here's the interesting part, I was thinking about you and wishing I could rub your back at nap time when this little boy looks at the ceiling and started to wave. I asked what he was waving at and he just looked at me, smiled, and waved one more time at the ceiling. I don't know if you were there or not but I think you were. Silly boy almost put me in tears. You and him would have been good friends (maybe you already are?). 

I know it should be me giving you gifts today. And to be honest you've given me more gifts then I could ever repay you for. Truly. I hope someday I can thank you in person. But today I need a favor from you, please help me fully heal. In my mind there is only one way to feel full again and that takes work. Help me through this time. 

I truly am doing better. The small stuff doesn't bother me as much. I don't even cry over you as much as I used to. In some respects I wish I did, even knowing that emptiness would be lovely so at least I could say I remember the feeling. But I don't. Part of the healing process I suppose. 

I still do remember you though, you brought an immense amount of joy that few can understand. The Lord knew when I got pregnant that you were exactly what I would need in the coming months to help me through what I thought was the most difficult time in my life. In a way even your death helped me to heal from that wound much faster then I would have thought I ever could. 

You came and did what you had to, you gave me a hope for the future and taught me what true sacrifice is. So on this day I hope my tears reach you (the sad and the happy). You touched my life more then you know. Stay close Ayla Carol Jacqueline and know I will always have a special place in my heart for you!

Love always,

Mom <3