True Meaning of Mother's Day

All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I used to stare at all the babies and kids during our church services yearning for the day the mom holding those babies would be me. As I got older the excitement only increased, and when it came time for me to choose a profession I choose to be a childcare worker because that was one way I could truly do what I loved--caring for the children. I truly loved spending time with the children who were entrusted to me while their parents went to work. I developed a relationship with them and each one of them helped me grow into who I am today. They challenged me but at the end of the day I always saw how grateful their parents were to me and I couldn't wait to be the mom picking up her child. I loved seeing how both the child and the parent's faces lit up when they were reunited.

Eight years ago, I was pregnant with my first and the dreams I had of "the perfect family" were crumbling around me; pregnancy was hard on my body and the added stress of a marriage that was less than ideal was draining me. Through it all I couldn't wait until Mother's Day when I felt that maybe for just one day, I would be spoiled. It wasn't what I expected and honestly it was one of the worst days I had up until that point. All I could think was how next year would be different, next year I would hold my sweet baby girl on Mother's Day and all would be worth it. If you've been around long enough, you know that Ayla was not around the following Mother's Day and it became a day I dreaded. I know I am not alone in this feeling and on a day where you celebrate motherhood being childless is like a kick to the stomach, it comes in waves and you wish away the pain.

Three years ago I met two girls who also felt pain on Mother's Day and although it was for different reasons, we bonded. You see, on that day I gained a better understanding on what Mother's Day was about. It isn't just for biological mothers, it's a day to gather around the women who are there for us in what ever form that might take. I wasn't Melissa's mom, but I had a feeling to go over to Chris' early. He was still in bed and I was able to cry with her as she mourned the loss of her mom all over again. She also picked me up as she gave me a card acknowledging me as a mother too. It was also on that day that Chris promised that I would never have to spend Mother's Day childless again (he proposed a month later).

Last year was my first Mother's Day as a step mom and although it was still hard to not have my child celebrating with us, I had two other girls to pamper me. I never expect much because I know that I could never replace Pamella and I want them to remember her. But they surprised me, they made me feel like a mother for the first time ever. I know they aren't mine from birth, but they have become mine never the less. I love them as much as I love my own biological children. Little did I know last year that a little baby named Felix was just weeks away from making himself known through the ever familiar feeling of nausea.

This brings me to this year. For the first time in my life I am holding a baby. Chris asked me the other day if I like being a baby mom and as tears flooded my eyes I told him that I love it. Felix has come with his own set of health challenges that sometimes make my mom heart hurt. Then he smiles at me and I know that he choose to come to me, God knew I needed Felix in my home to help bring us all together. Watching the girls become big sisters has been a joy and I have seen Kaylee grow leaps and bounds since January. I love that they love him and have gained the opportunity to be here full time as we isolate during the craziness that 2020 has brought. So although I don't get to show off my family of five at church, I know that it will be a special one for me. I feel like everyone needs a Felix

I hope that all women feel loved tomorrow and know that having a child doesn't make you a mother, it's sharing the love you have to give to who ever needs it.