I Really Don't Want to Write This

I don't know how to write this post. For most it'll come as a shock, or maybe people have caught on I'm not sure. This has always been my journal in a way so I have the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well it's probably the hardest post I've composed thus far so I'm going to just come out and say it...Arles and I are not together. *Shutters* even writing that is hard.

We've been growing apart for some time now and it pains me to know how happy we once were. But people change and those changes causes two people to go in seperate directions. I'm not here to be bitter and angry or even rave on how it's not my fault. Deciding to get married involves two people and so divorce also involves two people. I made my mistakes and he made his.

I know people are probably thinking "I told you so" but no one truly understands the experiences that brought us together just how no one will truly know what drove us apart. Judge if you must but I know that it was right a year ago. Numerous blessings have told me that, however it's not right anymore and although it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion myself, I did reach it.

I will never pretend this never happened (not that I can, we have a child together) but my only wish is that I can raise my daughter in such a way that she will know that mom and dad did love each other and we both love her very much. Arles will always be her father and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you know what the hardest part of all this is? Feeling like a failure. This is not how things are suppose to go. This is not how I wanted to raise a child. I look around me at all the happy couples and I admit I sometimes get extremely sad and have to leave a wedding (which I did...sorry Meg!), or church, or even pull myself together at a bridal shower because I know what we had and know the special experiences couples experience and knowing that I once had those things and now I don't is extremely sad. I'm not angry, for the sake of my daughter I will never allow myself to get that way. I've seen the effects of anger and have found it solves nothing.

With all that said I know where my focus is now. It's on me and the baby. As it should be. It's not her fault that we split and I will never speak ill of Arles. Never. Like I said she came from two people who did love each other and to a certain extent we always will. I wish the best for him and all I want is him to be happy. However I would ask a favor...please pray for me, I'm having a hard time. I need to be able to deliver this baby and I can't if I'm stressing about my personal life. Anyways like I said it's just me and her now. And I really can't wait to meet her.

So there you have it, who I've been so silent in the blog world the past little while. I know that things will get easier with time but right now I would perfer if you have any questions to just ask me personally. I may be hurting but I can talk about it.