Four weeks ago today I held my baby for the last time. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I have right now. Most days I'm ok but others I lay in bed and just cry. What's the most difficult for me is that I am forgetting what it felt like to hold my own child. After you have your own, it's never the same. I'm grateful for the technology we have where I can look at pictures and videos to remind myself of her.
Today I had a child say with a big smile on her face. "You had a baby!" I know she means well but certain things sting. Driving by the hospital is hard. Driving past the doctors office is difficult. I know it will get better but the pain associated with places will always be there. I dread the day I have to enter the ER again. At this point I don't know how I'll be able to handle having a child again. I will be so happy to hold him or her in my arms. To feel like I'm a mother again. But I don't want to lose another child. That's my greatest fear.
I do know that Ayla is with me always and I'm grateful that I am sealed to her. It makes everyday a little more bearable.
<3
I remember the stings from people's random comments. This might sound weird, but enjoy the broken heart. It is a unique feeling in life. It hurts because you love her so much. You are still a Mom, she's just in the hands of the best baby sitter ever. Oh and don't feel like you have to do anything more than sit in your bed and cry. That is a good thing to do right now too. The pain will dull with time, but so will the physical memories of holding her. Cherish them while they are fresh.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Rosanna.