Range of Emotions

The past couple days have given me a range of emotions. It seems that ever since returning from Disneyland (more on that coming soon!) I have been missing Ayla more. I look through her pictures at least once a day and slowly, very slowly forgetting what it was like to hold my precious baby. This is quite honestly the hardest part of the whole process. Seeing her die was difficult but even after she passed I held her warm body for a few hours more before I had to face reality.

Now I'm facing real life without her. I can't walk into her room at night and touch her soft little cheeks, I can't hold her close when life gets difficult. She was so pure and holding her felt like I had heaven in my arms. I don't mean to rant on things I can't do but with death of a child, comes death of a lifetime of dreams for her.

Yesterday I received an email from Alberta Health telling me that my daughter was about to reach the six month milestone, it explained all the exciting things I get to see her do. It was hard knowing that my sweet baby is not going to ever reach these milestones.

I put away some of her clothes today. Things that she wore only days before she went into the hospital. Things that I took for granted. Things she will never wear. The sleeper that she wore hours before she died. With each article of clothing I put away it felt like I was finally admitting that she is not coming home, admitting that particular part of my life is over.

I understand that she will always be with me, I do. And I'm grateful that her and I are forever an eternal family. I just want her. It's so difficult forgetting what she felt like and what my supposed reality was. I am facing life without her. That is the hardest part, knowing that my life will never be the same and that my sweet child is not here for me to parent and watch grow. I so desperately yearn for her warm pudgy body. To feel like I am doing my duty as a woman. I know I did do it but in a way I feel robbed of the opportunity to teach her all that I know.

There is nothing like a bond between mother and child. I was the one who carried her for nine months and who felt her body and spirit grow within me. There is no greater joy then knowing that The Lord and you are working in harmony to bring one of his elect to this earth. I am excited for the day when I feel that connection again.

Again I say that I know that her work was a short one and I know I did my part. In a way it's better this way. Ayla will never feel the pain of sin. Or the pain of watching people fall away. She is perfect in every sense of the word. I mentioned that I knew that her spirit was far stronger then mine is, so in a way I knew. I just never thought it would be this way. I just hold on to the gospel, hold onto it for dear life. If I let go of what I know then there would be no hope for me being happy again.

But the great thing is that I do continue to hold onto the gospel and I know that my child is rooting for me in heaven :) she'll be with me every step of the way and although I can't see the future I am positive that great blessings are around the corner. Lets just hope I can relax for a while :P

Thank you for reading this blogpost. I know this one in particular might be a hard one but every now and again I have low moments too. I just try to not get caught up in them for to long. Next post I promise will be happier!

I just want to leave you with this picture. Chris said this is how he imagines Ayla and I will be in the here after. So glad to be reunited again, just like after I had surgery. Those quiet moments that night were so precious to me because the way she looked at me and stroked my gown I knew that she truly missed me. That alone makes me smile <3