Reflection

The past week has been a hard one for me. Every day it feels like Ayla's memory drifts further and further away from me, and I don't know how to stop this process. It's a natural process and perhaps losing tiny bits of her makes it easier to move on. That way I won't constantly be comparing every child I hold to her.

Yes I talk about her tons but as a friend told me, it makes it easier on everyone to know that they can talk about her and not feel guilty.

I've contemplated Ayla's purpose and my part in the overall plan this week and have come to an inner peace. Ayla was sent here to receive a body. She knew full well what she was coming into, what kind of shape I was in, how I longed to be a perfect mother, the thing is, she came anyway!

She knew I wasn't perfect and yet she understood that maybe I needed her more then she needed me. I don't write much about my relationship on here and not many people know the details. No one needs to know but I find comfort in knowing that Ayla was there every night, everyday and felt every emotion i felt. She knew that sometimes I needed a kick in the ribs to remind me she was there and needed me to remember that she had unconditional love for Arles and I.

I was talking to my stake president this week about how the afterlife will work. He said something that made sense, he said that Ayla never got the opportunity to choose good from evil. That's what the millennium will be for; I'll get to teach her from my own experiences good from evil. Hopefully I'll be qualified enough by then to teach a perfect being.

I can't believe it's been two months today that she left. But for the first time in a while I feel like I can move forward with my life. I had a wonderful dream a couple weeks ago that left me feeling hopeful for the future, and for my future children. I know they are there and I can tell that although Ayla won't be here with them, she'll be a big part of the family. She's a sweetheart and I'm sure her and her siblings, particularly her sister, are having a grand time up there.

I am also looking forward to seeing my cousins this upcoming week. Charlotte has a son two weeks older then Ayla and I can't wait to hug his sweet little body. It will be the closest I've come to holding my baby in two and a half months! I love my family out there, and can't wait to catch up with all of them. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">