YSA...again

I write about Ayla quite a bit but I noticed that I haven't really written about anything else for a while. Ayla was my everything, but life is moving on. As it should. And I'm okay with that because I know it's what Ayla would have wanted.

I have started YSA again...it would take multiple posts to fully explain how I really feel being back. To be honest I am not the most positive about it. I wish I was but I feel so out of place there, I sit in church listening to people say things like "I know none of us know what it's like to have a child" or "these people who get married quickly just end up getting divorced anyway. They really should not jump into it that fast" and it bugs me. Yes most don't know the feeling of either of those but some do. I know I'm not the only one. No, I don't get offended, but at times I feel at a loss at to what to, and what not to say. 

I am finding that difficult balance between feeling like I'm hiding Ayla and the divorce, and shouting it from the rooftops, neither of those are what I want. Somewhere in the middle would be lovely. I just haven't figured out where the middle lies. 

I did have an interesting experience the other night though :) I was feeling particularly low (what else is new?) and like no one cares. I know this to be false but you know how it goes. Anyways, I felt like I would have to go to the YSA conference this past weekend alone and I was having a heck of a time trying to get a hold of someone to go with; when I got a response from a friend on Facebook who I know from work I was so relieved. Literally right after I had a cry over being alone she responded giving me her number. I guess prayers are answered. Small as it may be, they are answered.

I made new friends and got reacquainted with old ones. Yes it was a bit awkward but I felt like I still had friends. I hate going to these things alone so I appreciated that there was some willing to take me under their wing and help. It was a good weekend for me to ease back in. It'll still take a while to get in the groove again, but I think I'll be okay.

I was terrified of going to be honest. I tend to over think things a tad bit and so I just kept going over in my head all the awkward senerios that I may encounter at the conference. Most of those included seeing the people that knew me a couple years back, and knew I was married. Obviously I am not anymore...but I found that even though some were surprised to see me, they didn't make it awkward. Those that did know that I would be back also showed their support too. I can't tell you the amount of times that people asked how I was doing, and actually cared! I shouldn't be surprised but I was. I found that a genuine "how are you?" and then a quick hug was enough to make me feel welcome. It was simple but that is exactly what I need. 

So I guess YSA isn't all bad. I'm not terrified anymore and that's a start :)