Six Months Later

It's been six months. Six. Hard to believe isn't it? It seems that as time moves forward people start to forget, well not forget completely but move on in their lives. Whether I like it or not I am moving on without her too.Things that I thought we would be doing together, dreams I had for the both of us, decisions we should be doing together, I'm doing alone.

Father's Day was difficult for me. It really should not have been but it was on that day that I remembered where I was a year ago. I thought that by doing what I did I would be creating a better life for both of us. And it did. But I also held onto the hope that in a year from that time I would have a beautiful baby to conquer the world with. Coming to the realization that my dreams of the 'perfect life' was lost in a way. I had no way of knowing what lay ahead.

I am definitely feeling better with where I am as oppose to a month ago. June held so many memories and lost dreams that it was difficult to handle. If I could go back a year ago I wouldn't have done anything differently, I have to believe that The Lord knew what he was doing and still does. Makes me wonder what the next year will hold...hopefully a bit more relaxed. I can only hope.

The past week I dealt with some hard things and luckily I came out of it alright but for me it showed that no matter how much I just want life to stop so I can breathe, it doesn't. I cant really say how the past six months have been other then it's been a roller coaster. Some daysI go through the day and I'm fine But other days I cant stop thinking about her. I so wish I could go back and take advantage of the time I had with her. I thought I would have more time then I did and sometimes I wonder if there was more that I could have done. Taken her more places, introduced her to more people.

I should have been more happy. It should have been enough that I had a true angel in my arms, nothing else should not have mattered. But see that's the perceptive that I didn't get at the time. I was so worried about creating the perfect life and giving her as normal life as any child with two parents that I forgot to enjoy the tiny moments. The laughs and the tears, the explosions, and the concept of just being together. I'm not saying I was a bad mother, I worried (and still do sometimes) that I didn't do all I could. But deep down I know I did everything I could and I think she knew that without her death my life could not truly move forward. I think she also understands that as imperfect as I am my love for her was so pure and so perfect that even in this life I understood Godlike love. In a sense.

All in all I am doing fine. The past month has seemed more difficult. It's part of the  grieving  process I suppose, in some ways I wish it got easier. I am realizing now though that it never will completely heal. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. 

For tonight though I am going to let myself cry. I'm going to allow my arms to feel empty. I'm going to be sad that instead of being a mommy to a cute ten month old I have an angel baby. 

Someday soon I hope my arms will be full again.