I Am Needed

My roommate Rebecca sent me a link to this cute blog post about a mother who talks about how now that she's a mom, she is always needed. She has a responsibility to her children and loves it. She entitled it "Somebody Needs Me". 

Often I get stuck in the rut that no one needs me, that instead of me giving kisses on an owie, or a constant yanking on my pant leg I have...well nothing. No one needs me in the way I dreamed of wanting to be needed. I got a taste of it then just as quick as I got that opportunity it was gone and I was left with an empty space in my heart. It amazes me how much I still ache for a child I knew for only four months (thirteen if you count the nine while I was pregnant). 

People move on and forget, take my doctor, I saw him for the first time in a year and he asked how motherhood was treating me. I had to kindly remind him that she died over a year ago. He felt terrible but that's beside the point. I just realized that people move forward in their lives. And I will forever have a missing piece. It's daunting how I have to live the rest of my life with her missing from it. I guess you just take it day by day. And don't get me wrong I'm not a wreck most of the time, very rarely actually but I have days and I'm greatful for the pain, because it proves how much love I still have for her. And that she really existed. 

Now back to the point I made at the beginning; that no one needs me. It's not entirely true because I have kids that depend on me everyday. The more I think about it the more I realize that the work I do is important, and I am a huge part of these children's day. Monday through Friday. I have days where I just want some space but lately I just am grateful that I have some kids that know that although teacher Julie may come off as grumpy all she needs is to know that they care for me just as much as I care for them, that because I don't have a child anymore these kids have become a way for me to feel like I'm a mom when that's not possible in the way I hoped two years ago. 

So I guess the point is no, I'm not needed all the time. I am needed from when I start my shift to when it ends. And for now, that's okay :)