Once again we have hit a birthday for you. Your third birthday! Time has gone by so fast baby girl and it's hard to believe that you would have been three today. You had quite the personality when you were here and I'm sure it would've grown into a vocal personality. You always did know how to tell me when you were not impressed :P
Every year things seem to be going by faster then the year before and with every passing year I lose more and more physical memories. I remember the things you did, I remember that you brought us joy, but I can't necessarily remember what that felt like anymore. Some days I struggle knowing that I'm forgetting but in a way that's a blessing. If I remembered everything it would make things more difficult in everyday life. But once in a while I feel you close and those are the days that I remember. Thank you for giving me a shove every once in a while.
This summer I got to see your second cousin Asher again! With him being only two weeks older then you it was neat to have a physical representation of what sorts of things you would be doing right now. You probably know this already but he is so talkative and polite! He thanked me for doing things for him and always made sure to ask for things kindly. You would've been just as polite...right?! At least I'd like to think so.
Asher chatted, played and allowed me to experience all that an almost three year old (at the time) has to offer. We played trains and as normal (almost) three year olds do he told me how to play; my train was to be called "Sou-ur Pick-ew" and his was called "Go-d Teese". Every time we passed each other on the track that his dad Josh made for him he would exclaim "oh hi sou-ur pick-ew!". Charlotte and Josh made sure I knew that if I got tired of playing to let them know and they would take over.
But the thing was Ayla...that no words can express how grateful I was to be able to feel a portion of what life could've been for me. Yes it would have been exhausting as motherhood often is, but I would loved to experience it with you. Asher and you would've had such fun playing! Not to mention Millie, you would have loved to hold and play with her! She has such a sweet spirit so I know you all would've been (probably are) good friends.
A few weeks ago we dropped Chris off at the Missionary Training Center and that was probably one of the hardest moments of my life. Your uncles were both there through everything that not only I experienced but everything you went through as well; they love you very much and when you left us we all banded together. When Eric left last year your grandma, grandpa, and I had Chris to keep things feeling fairly normal but when Chris left it was like we knew everything from that point on was going to change. I know you are with both your uncles more then we will ever know and until we are re-united in three years you will continue to watch over us all.
I have some news for you. This summer with the family's help we planted grass on your plot! Your spot is the most healthy and green in the whole cemetery. I'm pretty proud of it. I wish I could take all the credit but it was mostly grandpa and grandma who maintained it while it was growing. As we were driving over there to plant the grass we had a shovel hanging out of the trunk. Then we had to level your grave a bit so we were shoveling dirt into a bag then grandpa had to drag the bag of dirt across the cemetery to the road where he could dispose of the excess dirt. Imagine how it looked to a passerby! First driving into the cemetery with a shovel, then grandpa dragging a bag (with the shovel in hand mind you) to the road, and finally shoveling the dirt out of the bag...uncle Chris seemed to think that it looked bad. I thought it was funny.
This summer I did efy again! This time as a Building Counsellor. There were many things that your death allowed me to experience and learn from and I think efy was one of them. This year I didn't have kids of my own but through the counsellors that I was over I was able to interact with more kids then I thought I would. Being on the head team is hard and much more work then I realized last year but I loved it. One of my favorite moments would have to be Friday night as all the kids were singing the efy medley in unison; last year I had kids so I didn't get the chance to stand at the front and look into each participants face. But this year I did. I stood and was able to witness all the miracles happening around me, yes your mom reduces to a puddle of tears every year (that will probably never change) but I love feeling the strong spirits these youth have. They are so loved and I wish that they could see the potential they have. They have so much more opposition then I had in high school but they truly are meant for this time.
One of my responsibilities was to introduce the Young Woman activity on Thursday, the topic this year was The Family, A Proclamation to the World. I only had a few minutes at the beginning and at the end but what was really miraculous was the discussions that the counsellors were able to have. This document was given twenty years ago and who knew how important it would be now. The spirit was so strong and I enjoyed the opportunity I had to float from group to group and listen in. If you were here I would hope that I would raise you to be like those wonderful young women. Through the course of the week as I attended scripture studies and reflect and reviews I was able to see how strong they really are. I was in awe every time they would comment and often I was almost in tears by the end. You can be sure that efy would be something that I would make a priority for you to attend. It's truly inspired.
It also had many silly moments too. The site office was always filled with laughs and funny quotes. I'm sure that you were laughing along with us. I believe I even talked about when I was pregnant with you...when I get tired it comes up. More then I would care to admit.
Things YSA wise are not much different then last year. I am settling into my calling and finding more of a balance. I find that some of the things that I experienced with your death and some of the experiences prior to your birth help me to be able to love the sisters more. It doesn't always come across as much as I hope but I try to make sure every sister feels loved. I have also hit the point where I'm okay with where life is at for me. One day I will have everything that has been promised. It's just taking longer then I had hoped. But at the same time I would not be the person I am if things had turned out differently.
I have some news for you. This summer with the family's help we planted grass on your plot! Your spot is the most healthy and green in the whole cemetery. I'm pretty proud of it. I wish I could take all the credit but it was mostly grandpa and grandma who maintained it while it was growing. As we were driving over there to plant the grass we had a shovel hanging out of the trunk. Then we had to level your grave a bit so we were shoveling dirt into a bag then grandpa had to drag the bag of dirt across the cemetery to the road where he could dispose of the excess dirt. Imagine how it looked to a passerby! First driving into the cemetery with a shovel, then grandpa dragging a bag (with the shovel in hand mind you) to the road, and finally shoveling the dirt out of the bag...uncle Chris seemed to think that it looked bad. I thought it was funny.
This summer I did efy again! This time as a Building Counsellor. There were many things that your death allowed me to experience and learn from and I think efy was one of them. This year I didn't have kids of my own but through the counsellors that I was over I was able to interact with more kids then I thought I would. Being on the head team is hard and much more work then I realized last year but I loved it. One of my favorite moments would have to be Friday night as all the kids were singing the efy medley in unison; last year I had kids so I didn't get the chance to stand at the front and look into each participants face. But this year I did. I stood and was able to witness all the miracles happening around me, yes your mom reduces to a puddle of tears every year (that will probably never change) but I love feeling the strong spirits these youth have. They are so loved and I wish that they could see the potential they have. They have so much more opposition then I had in high school but they truly are meant for this time.
One of my responsibilities was to introduce the Young Woman activity on Thursday, the topic this year was The Family, A Proclamation to the World. I only had a few minutes at the beginning and at the end but what was really miraculous was the discussions that the counsellors were able to have. This document was given twenty years ago and who knew how important it would be now. The spirit was so strong and I enjoyed the opportunity I had to float from group to group and listen in. If you were here I would hope that I would raise you to be like those wonderful young women. Through the course of the week as I attended scripture studies and reflect and reviews I was able to see how strong they really are. I was in awe every time they would comment and often I was almost in tears by the end. You can be sure that efy would be something that I would make a priority for you to attend. It's truly inspired.
It also had many silly moments too. The site office was always filled with laughs and funny quotes. I'm sure that you were laughing along with us. I believe I even talked about when I was pregnant with you...when I get tired it comes up. More then I would care to admit.
Things YSA wise are not much different then last year. I am settling into my calling and finding more of a balance. I find that some of the things that I experienced with your death and some of the experiences prior to your birth help me to be able to love the sisters more. It doesn't always come across as much as I hope but I try to make sure every sister feels loved. I have also hit the point where I'm okay with where life is at for me. One day I will have everything that has been promised. It's just taking longer then I had hoped. But at the same time I would not be the person I am if things had turned out differently.
This year I'm going to be doing Ayla's Stocking again. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to be carried out but I have some ideas. I should know more details in the next month or so. Crazy how it's only September and I'm already planning for Christmas! I truly do love to organize this project.
I know it's named after you but it really is for the children. It was you that brought the more difficult side of the Christmas season to my attention, and for that I will never be able to thank you enough; through my experience with you I learned first hand how hard Christmas can be. Through it I am able to give back to those who need it. I just hope it goes just as well as last year...if not better!
I am doing so much better then I could've imagined and I know that even though you may not be here, you continue to live on. I miss you Ayla. I am so glad that this separation is only temporary.
Love Always,
Love Always,
Mom
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| I am so grateful to my friend Megan Olsen who let me freeze precious moments like this. |
Beautiful tribute. Loved reading it.
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