Memories

There's days I don't feel like a mother. And to be honest it happens more often than not. In the physical sense I have the scars to prove that I was (am) and I definitely have the poo stained clothes to prove that a little person inhibited them :P. But Ayla's been gone so long that at times I forget that she once was more than a memory, and I once carried her in my arms.

Yesterday Facebook reminded me of the day I found out Ayla was a girl. I remember that day clearly. And even more so I remember how excited I was that my inklings were correct and she was indeed a she. I remember calling my mom first and making plans to buy everything pink. Believe me when I say that she was spoiled before she was even born. Life was difficult at that time and being able to focus my energy on something other than my circumstances. Growing a babe was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.

These are all happy memories. But later on in the evening I started to have a rough time. There are days my arms feel more empty than others. And there are definitely times where the tears flow and I remember Ayla did exist. She was mine and had it not been for her I don't know who I would be or where I would be. She shaped me into someone far stronger than I thought possible.

With Mother's Day coming up in two weeks I have always had a range of emotions. I love everything it stands for; for me it reminds me how wonderful it is to be a mother when so many don't get that opportunity. It was the greatest feeling I have ever experienced. However, it also brings out many other emotions too. I've always found that no one year is the same and going with the flow is the best way I've found to cope. I am often left feeling humbled at how lucky I was to have Ayla around for the four wonderful months I had her. I experienced a lot of things in life and being a mother was the most rewarding.

Do I miss her? Definitely! More than I could ever put into words. Do I wish I could've spent more time with her, been more present, and savored every moment? Every day. I know she knew I gave her everything I had. And those days I question if I was enough I am reminded of her last days when I had so many quiet moments where I could reflect on everything that had happened. I was overcome with the knowledge that she was aware I would've given anything to switch places with her if I could. Anyone who has ever watched a loved one suffer knows the pain of feeling helpless.

One of my favorite scriptures is John 14;27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid". No, I don't always feel that peace or accept it. But it does come. When I was in the hospital I flipped open my scriptures randomly and that was the verse that I turned to. At that time (and may times afterward) it has brought me great comfort.

As we come closer to Mother's Day this year let's try to be more aware of those who may yearn for a babe of their own, those who lost their children too young, and those who don't have a mother to hug. Whatever the circumstance that you find yourself in on Mother's Day know that there are others who may not be experiencing your exact pain, but they are feeling similar things.

One day it'll all be worth the momentary pain you feel. It may not come in your timeline, but it'll come.