Welcome 2018!

How can 2017 be over already and we are starting another new year?! I say this every year, but this year truly has really flew. I think that's in part due to my new circumstances and how life has played out, but at the same time I think that the more busy you are, the more quickly time seems to go. I had an incredible year filled with new experiences and new people. Not only that, Chris came home from Texas and I was able to spend some time with the whole family before everyone goes their separate ways. One thing hasn't changed and that's how much God is there for me. I have had to be very open with Him this year. And open to His plans as opposed to mine.

Last year my word was vulnerable. Now, at the time I didn't completely understand why this word kept coming to mind, but I think I do now. I am one who puts up walls, particularly when I need the most love. I am constantly telling myself that if I ever break down, or let people see the real me, that I am weak. I have a really hard time letting people in and an even more difficult time sharing my load with others. Don't get me wrong, I was in a good place a year ago, but I still was trying to be independent. I am very much an "I'll deal with this myself" type of person. I still am, but I am improving.

This year started in a place where I had no idea what was coming, or how much I would need to be open and vulnerable. I love how God works sometimes. As many of you know, about a year ago I went on a date that changed my whole year. In many ways I was ready for it, but in other ways there are certain things that only a relationship can help bring out. I had to learn that it's okay to cry, that showing everything about you, the good, as well as the painful is what needs to happen. I had to learn and had to learn fast, that if this was going to work I had to be completely open about my insecurities and my past. And that's hard. When you have dealt with painful things you tend to lock it away deep down where there's no chance it'll pop up when you don't want it to.

Like everyone else, I'm sure my emotions come out at the most inopportune times. Take last week for example. It's been five years since my little Ayla got sick. Delivering Ayla's Stocking is usually fine for me, but this year was more emotional.

There was a doctor present that was there when Ayla died. That was fine, and actually he was very kind to me. When we came in he asked if I remembered him (to which I said yes, those people are hard to forget) he said he remembered Ayla very well and how beautiful she was. I also found out that it was him who ran to get the social worker that had been working with Arles, our families, and I through our hospital stay. He was the one who saw that I had a need of someone on my side as Ayla passed on and he acted on that prompting. I didn't know any of this previously.

Let me just put a plug in for the doctors here, they are the most selfless people I know.

I was fine on the drive back to Chris' house, but once I got back I couldn't hold back the tears. Unfortunately, his two kids were the witnesses to my few moments of tears. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. They saw I was crying and the youngest asked what was wrong. I explained that I was missing Ayla a lot. She said "okay" and moved on. And that's how it's been all year. They also have shown me great love and understanding.

There are days when I had a hard time and instead of waiting until I was in the car or in my room, I was honest about how I was feeling. I don't think Chris minded and I don't think I would have continued to open up if I didn't feel that he really cared or was listening. I learned that I don't have to be the strong one every time. In a normal functional relationship, you don't have to hide your feelings. To be honest, in my friendships there are only a few people I can be completely open with, but this year that circle expanded. I maintained the ones I already had, but made new ones as well.

This year I learned to strengthen the relationships I already had, and open myself up to new ones. It was a great year of learning for me.

This year my new word is patience. I struggled this year to think of a new word, but this is the one that feels the best for what I want to accomplish. This can take many forms and there are a few I want to focus on this year. I feel like this is something I will never fully master, but I want to do my best to improve.

I think the most important for me now is to be patient with myself. I held myself to a very high standard for so long that I often get frustrated when I can't master a skill or if I keep making the same errors over and over. It's okay if it takes me longer to master something or to learn how to be who I want to be. I have all these ideas of how to better myself, and more often than not, I get upset that I can't seem to do everything at once. I need to learn to be just as patient with myself as I am with others.

I saw a video on youtube a couple weeks ago where a woman asked others to talk to a childhood picture of themselves and say the things to that child that they tell themselves every day. It was an eye opening experience.

Another aspect of patience is learning that my timing is not the only one in effect. There is God's timing (which apparently is perfect :P) and our timing. I struggle to understand why things don't work out how I envisioned in my mind, and I found that I never truly know the answer. I have come to the conclusion that there is no way I am getting the answers I want in the timeframe I want them. Clearly I am not perfect at understanding this, so I am making it a goal to work on it this year.

I also want to be kinder and more patient to those around me. Something as simple as not getting frustrated when someone cuts me off in traffic. Once again, I will bring up that I can be stubborn at times and often I think that my solution is the most logical. But, I need to be kinder and more understanding.

Patience is an ongoing process, and definately one that will take some work. I am looking forward to bettering myself as I focus on this in the coming year.

2017 was a year of growth and change. I can't wait to see what experiences 2018 will bring!