I want to start five and a half years ago; after Ayla's death I felt that my whole world had just been shattered. The day she died a part of me died also and I didn't know how anyone could love someone who (in my opinion) was not a whole person. I was broken, and no one could fix that. At that time I was also dealing with my divorce and that topic would take another post entirely. Plus, I'm not entirely sure if I am ready to share that part. Needless to say however, I did not trust myself to make decisions when it came to romantic relationships. I had been in a string of relationships where there were significant commonalities. So of course I felt that it was something in myself that was attracting me to men with serious addictions. I never wanted to go there again so I decided to take a break so I could figure it out.
Sure I went on dates, but I always found something wrong with them. It didn't matter how kind they seemed, how respectful, or how similar they were to my story, I always found something to find fault in. I'm not saying they weren't great for someone else, but for me, I never felt completely comfortable being myself. I take full accountability for that. Nothing felt right and to be honest, I didn't understand why I couldn't let my guard down. I used Ayla and my divorce as a way to test people. I would throw it out there in an attempt to try to scare people away before they became too invested because really, if they couldn't take my past, they would never understand why I was the person I am today. And the experiences that brought me there. Some tried but in the end I always ended it before it even started. I never wanted to lead someone on if I had no intention of moving onto the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I didn't want to waste their time, nor mine.
I've talked before how I believe in order to be ready to let someone in romanticly, you have to be okay with yourself first. Marriage is definitely not a way to run from your issues. Your insecurities and problems do not magically disappear (as nice as that would be, that never happens). I still suffer from panic attacks and moments where I cry for no reason. It's hard and something I've learned to deal with. It's so much better than it was, but still pops up occasionally and I didn't feel it fair to ask someone to be there when those flashback moments and triggers come. Especially since those have nothing to do with them. It's not their fault that I was in a situation where I felt worthless, it's not their fault I have trust issues, it's not their fault Ayla died, and it's definitely not their fault that I shut down when I need the most love.
All these things pushed me to take a hard look at who I was and how I could fix those insecurities on my own. I finally hit a point where I was happy, I felt perfectly content with where I was in life and if I never remarried that's okay, because I loved me. I had grown into someone I actually liked and had the confidence to embrace all aspects of myself. I knew that I was not willing to settle for less than I thought I deserved. It's funny how you begin to see the qualities that truly matter. And it's nothing like the list I made at sixteen.
I was actually truly happy and it felt wonderful, I didn't have to fake it anymore! Deep down I could feel thay life was about to be turned upside down...but I ignored it. Remember, I didn't want my life to change at that present moment and it had taken me so long to get to the peace I felt so I wanted to bask in that moment of content for a while longer.
I remember the moment Patricia sent me a message inquiring whether I would be up for a blind date with her uncle's best friend. I don't typically go for those types of things. But after doing an immense amount of research (both through Facebook and Monica telling me everything she could) I agreed. After all, he played guitar in a band, had good references, and didn't look half bad either. I had actually planned to wait to go on this date for a month because I didn't feel there was any rush. But, something told me that I needed to go that coming week. And I did.
I won't go into the mushy details for your sake, but from the moment I went out with him I knew he was exactly what I had been searching for. He is so kind, loving, and treated me like I mattered to him. He never beat around the bush and I knew exactly where I stood with him. And for the first time, I didn't feel anxious! That first night he took me out I stayed awake until four thirty in the morning because I felt something I had never experienced before. He knew about Ayla, and I knew about his late wife and both didn't seem to matter to us. All I wanted in a relationship was someone who understood pain, who would truly get why the memories will sometimes consume me and I just need someone to tell me that despite how much of a mess I feel, he is still willing to be there for me.
Chris said he wanted to see me again (I was shocked) and so he came here. He also didn't like texting (phones in general really) so we opted for phone calls instead. That was new. So much gets lost in text messages so being able to hear the tone and have us see if we have good communication skills was lovely. Our phone converstions have continued since then, twice a week, for between and hour and a half to two hours. At least I knew I could tell him anything.
There's another part to our story; his two beautiful children. When I met them I knew I was done for. I so desperately wanted them to like me and they did. It took a little bit for work to get where we are but in the months since both have opened up to me. We didn't show affection at first, and I don't think they knew we were dating but I loved hanging out with them. The more I was with them, the more I began to not only fall in love with Chris, but them too. They started to fill a hole that I never knew could be mended. There's a place where Ayla will forever dwell but having Melissa and Kaylee have helped me in more ways than they will ever know. Each has her own personality. And unique challenges, but I love them both with everything I have.
Chris has let me cry on his couch, humoured me when I want to watch my movies (he had never seen Harry Potter! That was almost a deal breaker), and has shown me good men do exist. He has been everything I needed and more. Even on those days where I feel so broken he reminds me that he is still there, and isn't going anywhere. He's they type of person you secretly wish for but never think you deserve because, again, why would someone like that want a person with so many scars?
What I've come to see is that we all have pain and scars that shape us into who we are. And settling for something less because you don't think you deserve better is silly! You have to be realistic of course and understand that no one is perfect, but finding someone who you can progress with is wonderful. I have finally found someone I want to go through life with. No anxieties, no red flags to ignore, and no reservations, just realistic bliss.
Two years ago I was barely able to pick up the pieces that my life was left in. I always was told, and felt for myself that because of the hell I endured that I had such great things coming my way, more than I could ever comprehend (insert eye roll here). Honestly, I didn't believe it. I knew I would be happy again, but I never dreamed that this life I have was the one I was going to get. I thought I knew joy, I thought I knew what real happiness was, but I was wrong. I look back five years ago at where I was at and can't even begin to see how I got this. This is everything I hoped for, the tears I wept for nights and months on end were heard and even though I didn't like the plan I was given, I cannot be more grateful at what is brought me to. I get to be a wife and and bonus-mom in one go! I am so incredibly blessed.
I know this was long winded. And likely a little sappy, but what I really am getting at is that one day you will look back at your trials and be grateful for how they shaped you. Life is not fair. And it hurts. But, one day it will be more incredible than you could ever imagine.
Hold onto that hope that one day life will get better. I promise it will.
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