Happy Sixth Birthday

Dearest Sweet Ayla,
I miss you little one. Not that I don't always miss you but there were many changes this year and it is hard not having you here for them. Since you were weeks old and I had all that downtime in the hospital after my mastitis surgery I started planning our lives together, one where it was you and me, and eventually a step-father. I know it's odd after all I endured in the separation but it honestly helped me to hold onto the belief that better days were ahead. One of the biggest stressors between your dad and I was that there would be someone else, someone who likely would baptize you, confirm you, and be part of the little moments in your life. In divorce unfortunately there are times where one parent misses out on vital moments, and that was hard for both your dad and I had to come to terms with. But back to the point, I started planning how things could be and all of it centered around providing the best life for both of us I could. I knew that dating again would be hard as a single mother, but I was willing to take as long as deemed necessary to find someone who treated us both well. I think you are smiling down from heaven on the life I now have.

Shortly before you left this earth in a blessing you were told that you would soon die, and that you would still be very involved in my life. You would help me in finding someone that deserved to have me. I didn't need to worry about you anymore but I still had to heal and find someone that could take all I had packed away in my suitcase. I did Ayla. I found three.

I don't want this to be a depressing post on "what if"s and "could've been"s. I love my life and as much as I wish you were here with me, I know that in a way you are. A month ago I married again; to the same man who I told you about last year. He's kind, intelligent, funny, and talented. Most of all, he is so understanding. So much more than I could ever have hoped. Admittedly I had a few panic moments where I feared doing this all over again and if I would scare him away. You know how it goes; I worry about things I really shouldn't. But, every time I have one of those moments, Chris is right there to pick up the pieces. He's exactly who I always wanted but never thought I would actually find. I find our relationship is so much more than I have had before; it's more real if that makes sense. I have not only him to love and be with but his two daughters as well.

For the first time in years I am a mother. Do you know how wonderful that feels? I always have been but right now I have somewhere to give that love. I know it's only been a month but I think because of the sixteen months we dated I think it helped us transition almost flawlessly. I thought that it would be a hard adjustment but it really hasn't been. I have talked to both Chris and the girls about it and we all agree that it just feels natural. I hate that I doubt my abilities, and I hate that because of some of my deep seeded scars I need reassurance that I am doing okay. I am grateful that the girls and Chris constant let me know that they still want me. I have my days where I feel like I'm grumpy (Melissa confirmed that I don't come across that way) but in the end I think it's all going well.

On our wedding day Chris walked in (after I threw up...not sure if it was nerves or because I skipped breakfast) and upon seeing him, I felt this overwhelming peace. I knew that all the loved ones that were in heaven were crying for joy because I know for sure you had a part in all this. I don't think I would have got here without that help. I wanted to make sure you were part of the wedding too so I wore the butterfly necklace Chris got me for Christmas. Just so I could feel you close. After Chris came into the temple and we had to paperwork done, Chris and I sat in the celestial room and reflected on how it really didn't feel any different than other times we have gone to the temple. It's amazing to me how natural everything felt from the beginning, I never once doubted myself or Chris. I know there was divine help, without this confirmation I would have been worrying that this relationship would turn out the same as all my other ones. Here's the thing Ayla, it's NOT, this is something that I saw in other couples but didn't know if it was something I could have for myself.

Chris and his band The Sundance Kids played at the wedding, it was one of those things that I think you had a good chuckle out of. As I write this I am listening to Chris learn new songs on the guitar. You loved music, so it only seems fitting that I have two musically inclined people in my home. I remember sitting in the hospital and you were hooked up the ECG. They had you so drugged up that your lines were all flat, Uncle Chris had sent a video of him playing the piano and asked me to play it for you. As it was playing one of the lines on the screen made a slight jump. I know it was the music.

You're step-sister Melissa taught herself to play the piano! She takes lessons from a wonderful lady in the area who I think is also heaven sent, she knew Grandma O'Brien when she was in Young Womens. She has been working on being the pianist in church so I hear it all the time. I can't wait until school and lessons start up again so I can hear it more. Not only does she play piano but she is an avid reader too. I truly think it was meant to be. She took a bit longer to earn her trust but she's one of these people that once she trusts you, it takes a lot to break that trust.

I remember one of our first conversations, she opened up to me about some of her feelings and since then, she's been my little shadow. I love her so much and she picks up on what I need almost as good as her father does. After we got sealed and took all the pictures, she came up and gave me the biggest hug and told me how excited she was that I am in her life. This my dear child, was something I had been wishing for one day, a big loving hug from my own child telling me that she loved me as much as I love her. I got to snuggle you, and I have no doubt that you loved me with a more Christlike love than I can fathom, but feeling those arms around my waist squeezing me and smiling a truly joyful smile was something I had never got to experience. Until I met your step-sisters.

Kaylee has always been free with her emotions. I always said that she feels her emotions very deeply and has no qualms telling those around her what she thinks. She is not shy with her thoughts and that's something I always appreciated about her. From the time I met her she has been asking when I can become her step-mother. It took fourteen months after her first inquiry for it to become a reality. She loves building things with her hands and has been curious about you from the beginning. I have watched her on numerous occasions watch little kids, she is spunky but also fiercely kind. I have seen her be patient with younger kids and they love her. I'm sure you would have your moments with her, but I know that she would love you.

Going in I was worried that her hugs and and love would end and she would no longer like having me around, but so far things have been going well. When Chris and I were dating I wanted so badly to move forward in our relationship, but I think that taking our time was something that helped us transition as well as we have. Kaylee and Melissa have both got used to having me around and still to this day, Kaylee is excited when Chris goes to work and we can have a "girls day". Sometimes I make pancakes, sometimes we sit in our PJs, most days we go to the lake, and every day I tell them to do chores. Is it bad that I'm always a little shocked when they actually listen to me? Again, I think it's because of the time we took getting to know each other as a unit. I am always sad when I think that they had to lose their mother, and Chris had to lose his wife for me to gain all that I have. If I could give up this life I have and give them their mother back, I would. I don't know what death is like from your perspective, but from us on this side of the veil it stinks. I would never wish this on anyone.

There have been a few days that I wasn't sure why Chris still puts up with me. I suffer from panic attacks occasionally and I feel like it makes me appear weak. There is nothing strong about curling up in a ball on the floor without the ability to move, and having your husband have to hold you as you shake violently. I hate it. I wish that they would go away just as quickly as they appeared when I was pregnant with you, but I think this is something that I will always have to live with. Luckily once I have worked through one trigger I am aware of it and that particular one I can move past. Chris is so supportive and loving. He says I help him in other ways, so I guess it works itself out.

I think you handpicked this family for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. It's hard to know that in order for me to have the freedoms I have, I had to lose you. But this life I have Ayla, this near perfect life, is everything I had wished for both of us. Even in death you have saved me. I can't wait for the day when I can give you a big hug and thank you.

I love you sweet girl. Happy birthday Ayla Carol Jacqueline.

Love always,
Mom

PS: Here is a picture of your new family.