I have talked about some of the things I have been through and if you read my blog you know most of the triggers already. Depression and anxiety was already in the family far before these things happened to me but after I got past the survival mode I started to see how deep these triggers go. There's only so much you can do to build trust in relationships without being in a relationship and to be honest, I pushed people away because of it. It wasn't until Chris that I started to unpack the baggage that I didn't know was hiding at the bottom of the suitcase.
After getting married there were so many flashbacks and fear that things will blow up. We dated for long enough that I knew that what ever comes our way we would be there to support each other. I can't say enough how wonderful it is to know that we are in this together and to really feel that. In my last relationship there were some things that I was told that were untrue about myself, and there were others that I perceived as being wrong, when you have that mix of true and untrue the lines get blurred and you can't distinguish what is actually the truth. Unfortunately this followed me into this relationship and the fears I had in that marriage began to creep into this one. This time it has all been in my head. I want to be clear that no matter how crazy I feel, Chris has always reminded me that it is actually all in my head and I'm doing great.
I love my new family, and I want to be the very best I can be for them. And the constant worry I have was something I was ashamed of. With anxiety, in moments of clarity you know it's irrational and you know that no one except you sees what you deem to be "not being good enough". I have always held myself to a very high standard and many of the things I felt I failed in the first marriage, I am fixing in this one. This time I also have two daughters who are closely watching and observing me so that added pressure of perfection is something I am trying to balance.
As mothers we tend to put everyone else first. I don't think that's new or anything mind blowing because that's just the way it is. Melissa has always been observant and as she is approaching teenage years what she sees and hears me do is what will shape her into the woman she will become. She actually has been my reality check in many ways; there have been a few times where I made lunch for the girls but waited until they had eaten to take some for myself. Just last week I didn't think I had made enough dinner and Chris wasn't home from his work trip yet, so when Melissa asked why I was waiting I told her because I didn't think I made enough so I was going to wait until Chris got some first, before I decided if I should make more. Her response was "You deserve it just as much as daddy because you are the one who made it; he'll understand". I almost started crying right at the table, I deserve it. Why is it I had to have a twelve year old who I am suppose to be teaching core values to, tell me something that I want her to always remember? I want her to grow up and know that she deserves to put herself first sometimes too, and I am modelling the exact opposite of what I want her to be. Parenting is hard but I am finding I am learning just as much from them as they are from me.
I have been pretty open with the girls (and Chris) about my fears and feelings and it has always been met with love. I still struggle and I think that this is something that I might always struggle with in life. But because there has been so many advances made in this area I no longer have to combat this alone. I have always had a great support system and that is continuing. By talking about my fears I feel the weight off my shoulders and I have begun to recognize that it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to take a few moments in your room to regroup, and that by being vulnerable you are shedding light on this growing concern in our society.
I have my days and my moments. But that's okay. Let's teach our children that anxiety and depression is not something that you should be hiding, the more open you are, the more people around you can help.
This hit me really hard. Especially when Miss Melissa told you deserve it too. Good heavens she is wise beyond her years.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are working through them instead of just burying them more.