Eight Years

My dearest Ayla girl,

You would have been eight today little miss and I look back at how far I have come in my journey since your birth. I have three more children, a husband, and a wonderful life. I keep thinking how blessed I am to have carried (and lost) you. I would obviously have wanted to right here with me, but you taught me some really hard lessons that has helped me parent now. I have so much to learn and work through, but I find that I am more present with my other three because I never know what tomorrow could bring. 

You would have been baptized this year. That is a huge step and one I know would have been wonderful to witness. Covid has pretty much wrecked everything this year, but I think one huge blessing through all this, is that we are able to join with family through technology in those sacred moments. Just this last weekend your second cousin Asher was baptized, and although I missed it, it's neat that he was able to share that moment with family near and far. I was able to share Felix's blessing day with people this weekend who would not otherwise been able to come. I am so lucky to have a child close to you in age so that I can see where you would have been. I still think of you as a baby but you would not be that way anymore. You would definitely have opinions and I know that you and I would likely not see eye to eye on some things. I'm not blinded into thinking that you would perfect, but the more time that goes by, the more I wish you were here for those small family moments. 

This year has been really strange. It started with bringing your baby brother into the world in February and has been non-stop surprises since. I was told while you were still here that you would teach my future children about me, and I hold onto that fact. You knew that Felix would be born with his health issues and I beg you to stay by his side through it. So far he has been doing great but I think the unknown still scares me. Losing you was hard. Thinking about what lie ahead for him is almost too much. I guess I just thought that because of everything both Chris and I endured in the past, that we would have this one part of our lives that would be free from pain. Felix is near perfect and I can't believe how lucky we are to have him here. But, my mom heart hurts. I just want him to stay healthy and the one drug that could significantly change his life is still unavailable to us here. I pray that in the years to come that it will be accessible here. I am doing everything I can to raise awareness for it.  

I still have really hard days where I question if I am doing this right. I know it probably bugs Chris but jumping in and raising two teenage girls has been difficult sometimes. They are both in junior high and are starting out on those crucial years of lots of choices. I try my best to find that balance of parent, and someone they feel comfortable talking to. Girls in particular have lots of drama during those years. I know you would have added to the chaos but I would like to think, that you would be there for them as well as me. I have a hard time with the attitude sometimes and there is plenty of that in our home. 

How can I post this letter without bringing up Covid. I have lots of feelings and opinions that I could get into. But I won't. Just know that it has thrown a wrench into my ideas of how the last few months should've gone. Never would I have thought that one week after finally bringing home Felix, that I would be homeschooling the girls. I didn't get one week to just relax and finally allow myself to recover from birth. I went from the hospital, to running the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning), to homeschooling and having everyone home in three weeks. I love your brother and stepsisters, but I just wanted to have time to relax. I still haven't got that chance. There is always a long list of to-dos and I rarely get time to just read a book.  You would have been in grade two so I am sure that it would have been even more work to have a grade 1, 6, and 8 to have studies to help with. Luckily the girls really stepped up and most of the time did their school work without me having to watch them constantly. 

Overall though, life is so good. I love being a mom, and being able to watch Felix grow from babyhood has been such a blessing. I am finally able to prove to myself that I can be a good baby mom. It's not easy, but at least I have your step-dad here to help me out. 

Who knows what this upcoming year will bring, but know that I still wish you were here to ride it out with me. 

Happy birthday sweetheart.

Love,

Mom