Hope and Healing

 Here’s the thing, I am a pretty open book, almost to the point where I can over share and it comes across as a bit robotic. It’s not that I am trying to be, but sometimes as you share the same story over and over you start to state facts in a way that it no longer brings you pain. But, once in a while the feelings come through and you are reminded that the story you are telling was real. And that those memories did in fact happen and they were painful.I found a photo from eight years ago. The girl I was in that photo is not the one I am today. I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do as I am rocking my sweet babe to sleep (I like to cuddle him when he falls asleep) and this photo came up in my many click heres, click this person, click this album, BAM. Then the flood of memories came. How that 20 year old had no clue the hell she was about to endure. She was love struck and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was what she was suppose to do. It was right and I still don't question that. 

.

No one thinks that as they are dancing on the floor hours after being married that "hey, this is great, but in one year you will be recovering from mastitis surgery at your parents. You'll have a child but your husband and you will not be together anymore. And oh yeah, by the end of the next year, your baby will be dying and you'll be soaking every last moment you have with her". No, you'll be thinking how wonderful that temple sealing was. How you are finally bound for eternity with a man who loves you and you love him. You have so much hope for the future. Those are the thoughts that go through your head. 

I don't want this to be a post that you leave thinking that I am bitter and angry. Again, my story happened and it was so hard. However, now I can share some of the things I learned. I get so saddened when I hear women say that they are afraid of the judgement that will come at church--particularly YSA. How they are used goods and that because they are divorced that obviously they are not living up to the covenants they made. That is NOT TRUE. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly but honestly, sometimes it's the only option. You should not be ashamed that this is what your life is. 

I have always believed that this life is meant to bring joy. There is pain for sure, but I cannot get behind a God that willingly tells his children to stay in a bad situation because they were sealed in the temple. It is my belief that as long as you are both willing to fight, that you should. But there comes a point where it's okay to let go. For me, I was becoming a shell of who I once was. I didn't talk to my friends, and I was fighting hard because at 21 I felt that I made a commitment and I was going to stick to it. I put everything I had into it and I think that readied me for my marriage now. 

I was young and didn't understand how hard even the best marriages are. It takes work. Every day. I am the first to admit that I had issues too. But, through my experiences I learned who I wanted to be. I am still soft spoken, but you can bet that I am not a floor mat. After my first marriage I took a hard look at who I was attracting through my actions and I realized that upon re-entering the dating scene I was still attracting people who were drawn to me because of my wiliness to see them for the potential they had, not who they currently were. That's a gift I would like to think is unique but I also knew that often those men needed to fix themselves first and I was not willing to put myself through that again. I can put up with a lot, but pornography was not one of those things. 

My current husband Chris has been through a great deal himself, but I have always appreciated how straight I can be with him on the things that really matter. From the beginning our relationship has been about talking it through and he is very good at seeing when I start to retreat within myself. I look at the joy I have now and am grateful that I went through what I did. It changed me, but it helped me become so much stronger than I could've ever imagined. This weekend was my churched semi-annual general conference where our leaders give us messages of healing and hope. As I looked at the family I have now tears began to stream down my face and I reflected on how broken I felt eight years ago. I didn't think I would ever find someone willing to except me for who I am. There was so much baggage that I felt no one would put up with how my husband lovingly put it "the crazy". He was joking but we had a good talk on how we knew each other so well that nothing changed once we got married. He knew I can sometimes be a tad emotional...just a touch. And he can be a bit grumpy sometimes. 

It is my hope that anyone in the midst of a divorce can see me and know that although people will look down on you, there will be many others who will not. God loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy. Whether that's marriage or single it doesn't matter. Pray and move forward in what ever direction you feel is right for you and forget anyone else. There is only one person who has the whole picture, he knows your heart and the reasoning behind your choices. Take comfort in knowing that one day you will look back and see that life has a funny way of becoming so much better than you can imagine.