Mother's Day 2021

It seems that the longer I am an adult, the more I learn about motherhood and womanhood in general. It seems like as a child, and for me, even as a teenager I thought about all the grand parts of having children in my life. I mean, they are pretty cute, and of course they will just love you all the time. The tiny tantrums and sleepless nights will be minuscule compared to the hours of love and affection you get. And of course, you will love it all the time. 

Not to burst any bubbles, but it's not fun all the time. There are so many days that I question if I am even doing a good enough job. I have two teenagers and one baby who's needs are vastly different, trying to give any child exactly what they need has been a steep learning curve. Aside from being a stepmom and being thrown right in, I also got thrown into being a mom to a medical needs child. Most days it's okay, but others I am left feeling defeated.

I always thought moms had it together. They knew exactly what to say and they knew how to be patient and kind even when things were crazy. Then I became a mom. Boy was I wrong. I wonder if the way I handle things will lead to my child talking about me in therapy one day and if I am fostering an environment where they feel loved. I do know that I'm doing my best and that likely I won't screw them up too much. But I have had some really low moments over the last year. We all have. 

When I started thinking about this post a month ago I thought about all the lessons I had learned that I didn't want to but than I remembered how much I wanted this. When Ayla died I would cry and cry thinking that I had been wronged. How the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Here I am eight years later doing exactly that. 

I first had to navigate how to feel like a mother with other peoples children and I learned that being a mother is so much more than biology. It is loving and caring for those around you like you would your own family. My job was so good for that, I learned that in those I cared for eyes, I was a role model and a safe place. And I didn't always like it, but I always loved it. 

Now I have the same mentality; I don't always like it, but I will always love it. I sometimes don't handle it the best, I sometimes question my sanity, and I am not perfect. But I think that showing that isn't all bad, my kids know that no matter what, I choose to be there every day. Especially with my two oldest they didn't come to me in the traditional way, I choose to be their mom and although they may not like me sometimes, and I definitely struggle with attitude being thrown my way, I still love them. 

So this Mother's Day I want to remind you that

•  You don't need to be perfect
• You don't have to feel like you need to like it all the time
• It's okay to have off days
• Biology is a small part in motherhood
• You can do this

I hope that next year we woman can hug and support each other more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day whether you're a mom through your own children, or in your heart.