I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired.
I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others?
Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store!
What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know.
I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought.
Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :).
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