Take me back to a time where I laughed until I cried, where my worries seemed so hard. Where I went to church and was able to take notes and had no idea why people would leave. I did what I was told, and was happy to do so. I had hurts and pains, but nothing major. I thought that by living life the way I was taught I’d always be happy. I was so free, so filled with joy.
Take me back to moving out on your own, experiencing freedom and having to cook (or not..). Take me to pulling mattresses out to the tv room with roommates and watching movies, ordering a pizza to yourself and not gaining a pound. Help me remember to laugh as I thought “I’m not getting married anytime soon! I’ll chop my hair!” And getting engaged two months later.
Take me to a time where I liked a boy. He was charming and liked me too. Take me back before I realized not everyone has pure intent and some people prey on sweet innocent girls. Help me forget the night I said nothing and blocked it from my brain,
Take me to the pure joy as I flirted with an equally charming boy. Take me to the laughter and the love we grew together. I so wanted to stay in that state forever. Sharing my feelings and introducing him to my family. The veil that opened for us and the without a doubt feeling this was right. Take me to the time where eternity started in the temple and our love blossomed into new life inside me. Back when I thought the world was only good. Please take me back to the instant before my life fell to pieces.
Take me to a time where I could see angels. Where God made himself known to me and I felt the love from both sides of the veil. Life was hell but I never felt so close to God. Take me to the moment I held my baby girl and had no idea that I’d only keep her for a short time.
Take me back to how elated I was as I found that someone could love me in my broken state. Take me to when I met my daughters and embraced them knowing that they would be mine too. Help them keep their innocence. Take me to a time where I felt good in my body and didn’t hate the larger reflection staring at me.
Help me move past the moment my son came out with a blocked intestine. Help me understand why I can’t catch a break. Help me remember that God’s timing was perfect and little Felix got to spend so much time with Chris and the girls. Help me with peace to know that I'm not alone and that for every hard thing, so many good things have come.
So here I am. Reminiscing about a time so long ago when I was just purely happy. I read old posts on this blog and try to remember what it was like to be free from my personal demons. I miss that girl. I know, I know, I’m better because of all the things from the last decade but as Melissa ventures out into the world I can’t help but be a bit sad that she too will experience more loss and pain. As if she and Kaylee haven’t been through enough. But as I sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep I am finally reminded that my life is so good. I have people who love me, I have three children here, and I have a husband who yes, is a little rough around the edges, but has a good heart.
I hope to find that girl again one day and come back to a time where I don’t feel so depleted. I hope anyone else who feels like I do, can also find peace.
Thanks for reading as always. I selfishly do this for myself, but if it helps someone else then that’s great.
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