I Was Always Enough

There was a time that I felt that I was worthless, that I failed every aspect of the perfectly laid out checklist I made as a youth. I checked all the boxes sure, but somehow that wasn't enough. My body fought me every moment of every day. Others around me had it all; a husband who cared, children who adored them, a house and money, and joy filled their home.

In contrast my life had an absent husband who made me feel weak, played on my ability to care and knew the loyalty I had to him. Money was tight, my home was dark and devoid of joy, and the baby growing inside me had a failure as a mother. I couldn't even bring her into a home that felt safe. Not one part of my life was what it was suppose to be. I did it all right, I was undyingly fierce in my commitment to Him and here I was, hot tears running down my cheeks again. A mess.

Why did God not love me? Did I do something wrong? I was made to feel that if I had been a better wife I would not be here. In 2012 divorce was not common in the YSA and especially not after only nine months, Everyone told me not to get married and I didn't listen. So shame on me. It was all my fault. I was not enough for my husband, I was failing my baby, and I was not enough for God. I was broken and no one could convince me otherwise. 

Then I lost my baby. I really was a failure in every aspect. It would be better if I just crawled in a hole to wither away. I wish I could feel anger, that would make sense, but instead I felt empty and worthless. Phrases like "it's all God's plan", "God knew you were strong enough to handle it", and my favourite "at least you know Ayla's going to the celestial Kingdom" were spoken on a regular basis to me. It held no comfort, my body always on the edge of a breakdown but forcing myself to hide it became my only purpose. 

Through my actions every member of my family was grieving. I did this to them. Sitting in the hospital with Ayla all I could think was "If it's hard for me it must be devastating for my family, if I could, I would never have asked one more thing of them." 

The tears flow easily as I remember this and finally in agony one night in my bed I cried out. Why did you make me watch my daughter suffer and die. Why after everything, did you take her too. This isn't fair. I can't do this anymore and I have no one who understands. 

Into my mind came the words I watched my son suffer and die for you. I understand. These simple words filled me with a warmth that I hadn't felt in months. Jesus knew my pain and God allowed Him to die to make this possible. My body shifted immediately.   

I found a man to love me as who I became after all this. I created a life with him and slowly let go of the complex that I wasn’t enough because I always was. I don’t believe that everything that happens is a predetermined plan, sometimes things just happen and thinking I have no say over it does a disservice to myself and to God. 

The years of healing has brought me to a comfortable place where I know that I was, and am enough and deserve every happiness I have. If that's true for me, I know it's true for everyone. I don't know why people get such awful things happen to them, but I do know that what you do with it, is always your choice.