Christmas Season

It's exactly two weeks until Christmas. Do I have any shopping done? No. Do I even know what I'm getting my family? No again. This year has just flown by! I can hardly believe that it's almost Christmas again, if feels like just yesterday that I was buying gifts for last Christmas.

There is something special about experiencing Christmas with a child, even though Ayla was just a baby she brought a magic into the season that cannot be explained. As I said last year she knew what Christmas was all about. And I have no doubt that she knew what the next couple weeks would bring for her. 

During this year I've been trying to reflect and remember why we celebrate Christmas. Yes, giving is wonderful but what about the people you can't give gifts for? I can't give Ayla something physical. I can't watch as her eyes light up with excitement. But there is something I can do. I can remember her life and be greatful thst there was a child born in manger. One who makes it possible for me to see my beautiful daughter again. 

Through this season I also reflect on how Mary felt. Let's not even get started on being in labor on a donkey. Ouch. Or giving birth in a stable. Again, ouch and highly unsanitary. But do you think she fully understood as she held her perfect newborn son that he would not only do marvellous things, but that he'd also endure the most pain imaginable? I have no doubt that she knew but I doubt she understood what that actually meant. 

As a mother you want to protect your child from all harm, you can't, but you want to. How would it feel to give birth to Jesus and know that he was the key to everyone's eternal salvation? It would be a lot to take in. Mary must have been an amazing woman. I cannot even imagine the heartache as she watched him go through what he did. 

I am so grateful for the Christmas season where I can reflect on the birth of the Savior. It seems every year there's more and more thoughts that enter my mind. And I'm grateful for the growth and understanding I gain each and every year :). 

I hope that everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you find comfort in knowing that even if the holidays are tough for you, that there will always be someone who knows your pain.  

Update

Has it really been almost a month my last post? Time seems to be moving at hyper speed and I don't even notice it until I look back. 

I have been doing great. Being on my own has had it's challenges but this time around I think I'm doing better then last time. For instance, we actually cook! Yes I have eaten real food most nights and it's been lovely. As roommates we make it a joint effort :) we share food which is nice. That way we each only pay a fraction of the price. It makes things a whole lot easier. 

My YSA ward has been friendly, I feel like I'm back home. I was in this ward last time I moved into town with roommates and so I know quite a few people. Even the bishopric is the same. There are also those people who know me and remember me from three years ago. I have found more every week who tell me they remember me or know my story. I unfortunately don't remember some of them but reguardless, I feel like I can be open because I don't feel like I have to hide the not so nice parts of my past. Or even the best part of it. 

Again I have my struggles. I don't know if the ache will ever cease and frankly I don't know if I want it too. There are days where I cry because I miss Ayla so so much. But because I miss her I know that she wasn't a dream. It sometimes feels that way, I can't believe how much has been thrown my way in the past couple years and it's been so fast that it felt like a dream. But it wasn't. I have the pictures and beautiful videos to prove it :)

Doing the Ayla's Stocking project has helped immensely. I feel like I'm serving others and maybe this Christmas I'll touch someone else's life like mine was touched almost a year ago(!) That's my hope anyway. I'll post more on Ayla's stocking on a later date. 

So that's about all going on in my life at the moment. I'm sure as the month goes on I will have more to say on the Christmas season, it means more now then ever and I can't wait to adequately express all the feelings I have about it :)

Moving On

So I made a major decision a couple weeks ago...I decided to move out. It was a pretty quick decision but one I prayed about, and I immediently felt good. Yesterday I moved into my new place, It was so weird to see my family leave and know that once again I'm on my own. I almost felt like a little freshman again. Wanting to move forward but also wanting to not have to grow up. Again. 

I have fantastic roommates and great friends here. I can already tell that this was the right choice :) it's a big step but one I needed to take. 

Ayla's Stocking: Helping Families in Need

So for a while I have mentioned a Christmas idea I have been working on...I think now is a good time to tell you about it. I have called it Ayla's Stocking.

Last Christmas was wonderful, probably the best I ever had! This was due to my beautiful daughter teaching me the true spirit of Christmas. I found joy not so much in the gifts I received, but in picking out small gifts for my little Ayla. She was happy and such a joy to have. 

I will forever be grateful for my one and only Christmas with Ayla. But as you know shortly after that beautiful day, she got very ill and later passed. Being in the hospital during the most joyous time of the year, and realizing that for so many families Christmas was anything but joyous made me grateful for what I had been blessed with. 

Next door to Ayla in the ICU there was a cute curly haired boy who had a Christmas tree up in his room. By the look of it he had been there for many months. I cannot even imagine spending Christmas in the ICU. I tear up thinking about the pain these people endure. 

When I later was in the hospice waiting for Ayla to die I met one family that looked so sad. They looked so drained. I probably did too, but it was if they had no hope left. It was heartbreaking. Their child died not long after we arrived. 

So between these and other experiences I had I decided that I wanted to give to those who are suffering, who may never have a normal Christmas with their child. So in thinking and pondering over this for the past couple months I came up with a small idea, one that I hope will spread and lift the spirits, even for a moment, of these families. 

So I decided to call the project Ayla's Stocking. I am going to fill the stocking that I made for Ayla last year with little stocking stuffers and small gifts, then two weeks or so before Christmas I am going to deliver it to the hospice and hospital, where they will distribute the gifts to families that are there for the holidays.  My goal is to let these people know that there are people who both care, and understand their pain. I want them to feel that they are not alone.

Now for the fun part, I think it would be amazing if I can get as many people involved as possible. I would like anyone who is willing to also participate! I am putting up a stocking at work and asking for donations from families there through the month of November until the beginning of December and I will also allow people to drop off or mail some things directly to my parents house up until December 13 (this should give you plenty of time). 

I talked to Megan Miller, a social worker that I got to know at the hospice and she gave me some ideas of things that could be given:

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (toys r us, wal mart, tim hortons...)

- Pyjamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

If you would like to participate you can either send me a message via Facebook or leave your email in a comment below and I will be in touch. 

I know that this may not make much of a difference but I want Ayla to be remembered this holiday season. This is the best way I can think of. So this is the plan. I am so excited to see how it plays out! :) 

Again thank you for the love and support my family and I have received over the past year and a half. I will be eternally grateful to everyone for their kindness. 

Mending the Ache

Sometimes I have emotional weeks. And sometimes it hits me that when I have my next child I won't get to have the beloved sibling picture with Ayla gazing in awe at her brother or sister. Sometimes I cry and have a pitty party. 

 But then I help a friend, and I feel better :)

There's nothing more joyous then a fresh baby, it helps to mend my aching

Christmas Surprise

In my previous post I mentioned a Christmas surprise in honour of Ayla. I emailed someone I got to know quite well while I was up in The Children's Hospital last year and she's on board with my plans. I'm so excited to get started and see how it will work out :). I'm still in the planning stage so I'll keep it a surprise a little longer ;) 

Happy Monday Everyone! 

Ayla's Birthday Letter

Dear Ayla,

Happy birthday! I cannot describe how it feels to know that this day was suppose to be about you. A year ago after being in labor for three days and a half days (!!) I finally pushed you out, on Labor Day mind you! It was the defining moment in my life where in one instant I changed from a daughter to a mother. 

Today I so badly want to be baking a cake while trying to keep you out of trouble. I want to feel that exhaustion that everyone  Facebook complains about, the kind where all you want to do is take a nap but you can't because your toddler refuses to sleep. I want to snuggle you close and kiss your head, cheeks, and everything else I can get my hands on. I want to be able to reflect on your first year of life and see how you've grown. 

Today I went to your grave, I do this every Sunday too. I try to be optimistic and happy but little angel, I miss you. I also attended the temple in honour of your birthday today, I know that's what you would want. I love it there and I have no idea where my life would be if I hadn't decided a long time ago that I would always go to the temple for me.  When I could finally feel you move and felt how much you loved it there I knew that I would not only go for me anymore, but for you too. I even went at 37 weeks, the ladies looked at me like I was going to pop at any minute! I loved every minute with you there. I know you continue to 'hang out' in the temple every chance you get :). 

I invited some of our family and some of my friends to either go to the temple this week or perform an act of service in rememberence of you. I actually felt happy to have something to do with you today. It may not be the party I had started planning a year ago, but it's the best I can do. There better be birthday parties in heaven! I'll put in a word with Grandma Wood. 

I also have a special Christmas project in the works. It's a bit early to start thinking about Christmas, but as you know, time moves fast. As it gets closer I'll tell you about it. For now let's keep it a surprise. 

Things have slowed down for me a bit, my life is pretty laid back. In a way it's nice, I haven't had this much of a break in such a long time. At the same time though, I wish it would start to pick up again. I think I'm finally ready to open up again. I'm terrified to be honest but I think that I've done all I can do by myself. The other issues I have can only be healed by putting myself out there.

The kids at daycare keep me on my toes, I work with your age group actually. The kids I have this month are a year old as well. You would think that would be difficult but actually it's not to bad. As usual, I love them. I don't think there's a child in the world that I don't love. Some are easier to love then others, but they all make me smile. Working with kids makes me wonder if they can see you, do you visit me at work? Do you tell them to be stinkers? Or that I need a hug? I'm sure you do. I know that you're probably closer then I realize. 

I had an experience last week at daycare actually. I was sitting in the nap room rubbing a child's back (he had woken up and I was trying to get him back to sleep) and he was being pretty funny. He was trying to play peekaboo and continuously giggled. I admit I laughed a bit too. But here's the interesting part, I was thinking about you and wishing I could rub your back at nap time when this little boy looks at the ceiling and started to wave. I asked what he was waving at and he just looked at me, smiled, and waved one more time at the ceiling. I don't know if you were there or not but I think you were. Silly boy almost put me in tears. You and him would have been good friends (maybe you already are?). 

I know it should be me giving you gifts today. And to be honest you've given me more gifts then I could ever repay you for. Truly. I hope someday I can thank you in person. But today I need a favor from you, please help me fully heal. In my mind there is only one way to feel full again and that takes work. Help me through this time. 

I truly am doing better. The small stuff doesn't bother me as much. I don't even cry over you as much as I used to. In some respects I wish I did, even knowing that emptiness would be lovely so at least I could say I remember the feeling. But I don't. Part of the healing process I suppose. 

I still do remember you though, you brought an immense amount of joy that few can understand. The Lord knew when I got pregnant that you were exactly what I would need in the coming months to help me through what I thought was the most difficult time in my life. In a way even your death helped me to heal from that wound much faster then I would have thought I ever could. 

You came and did what you had to, you gave me a hope for the future and taught me what true sacrifice is. So on this day I hope my tears reach you (the sad and the happy). You touched my life more then you know. Stay close Ayla Carol Jacqueline and know I will always have a special place in my heart for you!

Love always,

Mom <3