Given that this is partly a journal for me I feel that it's important to write all major steps and changes in my life. Yesterday I received the phone call that gave me permission to move on. To close a very important chapter to my life.
To write all the feelings I had in that instant is impossible. I have felt everything imaginable in the past two weeks and for a day or two there I wasn't sure if this was going to end. Patience isn't a strength for me. But after telling The Lord all I want us to move on when HE thinks I should I finally got my prayers answered.
Yesterday I felt everything. Even a couple hours ago I didn't know if I am truly ready. But right now I feel peace. I don't know exactly how to describe it but for the first time I feel...free.
I have no idea what my plan is. Or even how quick things will happen for me. But I do know that what ever is in store is going to make me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with baby Ayla having a say in the way life will turn out? :) I am so excited to see what's in store!
PS: A huge thank you to everyone who cares so much about me! I have felt of your love and support :)
4.23.2013
4.16.2013
Three Months Later
Dear Ayla,
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.
I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.
There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.
I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.
I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.
The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.
I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.
There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.
I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.
I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.
The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom
3.23.2013
Denver Trip
As you know I last weekend with family that I don't see very often. I knew it would be difficult but I'm so glad I went! I am grateful to Uncle Mark and Aunt Denise for allowing me into their home. I always enjoy my time with them.
We did everything from shopping to playing games. I love it. I hadn't seen them since the summer before Charlotte's wedding. So much has changed! Charlotte has a handsome baby boy named Asher, Emily got married to Johnny (I hope to meet him someday), John is getting ready for his mission, and Sarah is definitely not the 4 year old I met all those years ago!!! Things change but I love that we're family. So no matter what happens and changes we'll always be a family :)
I had great conversations with them and found that as I talked to them I felt like I was letting everything go. I love them so much! I realized that I need to make more of an effort to see them. We may live far apart but I feel just as close to them as my family up here.
A highlight was meeting my dear cousin Asher. As soon as I held him I felt that he knew who I was. I felt Ayla close when I was with him and I know for a fact that she visits often. Before landing I was getting nervous about seeing him. Knowing that Ayla and him were two weeks apart and seeing him might spark sadness in me was a bit overwhelming. I had nothing to fear though. He helped me grieve in ways that no one can understand. He brought me such joy that I finally felt ready to go back to work. It was remarkable.
I loved being in Denver and am so grateful for technology that keeps us in touch. I hope that I can continue to visit as families grow in size. I really do have a fabulous extended family!!
Here's a photo recap of the trip :)
We did everything from shopping to playing games. I love it. I hadn't seen them since the summer before Charlotte's wedding. So much has changed! Charlotte has a handsome baby boy named Asher, Emily got married to Johnny (I hope to meet him someday), John is getting ready for his mission, and Sarah is definitely not the 4 year old I met all those years ago!!! Things change but I love that we're family. So no matter what happens and changes we'll always be a family :)
I had great conversations with them and found that as I talked to them I felt like I was letting everything go. I love them so much! I realized that I need to make more of an effort to see them. We may live far apart but I feel just as close to them as my family up here.
A highlight was meeting my dear cousin Asher. As soon as I held him I felt that he knew who I was. I felt Ayla close when I was with him and I know for a fact that she visits often. Before landing I was getting nervous about seeing him. Knowing that Ayla and him were two weeks apart and seeing him might spark sadness in me was a bit overwhelming. I had nothing to fear though. He helped me grieve in ways that no one can understand. He brought me such joy that I finally felt ready to go back to work. It was remarkable.
I loved being in Denver and am so grateful for technology that keeps us in touch. I hope that I can continue to visit as families grow in size. I really do have a fabulous extended family!!
Here's a photo recap of the trip :)
3.15.2013
Reflection
The past week has been a hard one for me. Every day it feels like Ayla's memory drifts further and further away from me, and I don't know how to stop this process. It's a natural process and perhaps losing tiny bits of her makes it easier to move on. That way I won't constantly be comparing every child I hold to her.
Yes I talk about her tons but as a friend told me, it makes it easier on everyone to know that they can talk about her and not feel guilty.
I've contemplated Ayla's purpose and my part in the overall plan this week and have come to an inner peace. Ayla was sent here to receive a body. She knew full well what she was coming into, what kind of shape I was in, how I longed to be a perfect mother, the thing is, she came anyway!
She knew I wasn't perfect and yet she understood that maybe I needed her more then she needed me. I don't write much about my relationship on here and not many people know the details. No one needs to know but I find comfort in knowing that Ayla was there every night, everyday and felt every emotion i felt. She knew that sometimes I needed a kick in the ribs to remind me she was there and needed me to remember that she had unconditional love for Arles and I.
I was talking to my stake president this week about how the afterlife will work. He said something that made sense, he said that Ayla never got the opportunity to choose good from evil. That's what the millennium will be for; I'll get to teach her from my own experiences good from evil. Hopefully I'll be qualified enough by then to teach a perfect being.
I can't believe it's been two months today that she left. But for the first time in a while I feel like I can move forward with my life. I had a wonderful dream a couple weeks ago that left me feeling hopeful for the future, and for my future children. I know they are there and I can tell that although Ayla won't be here with them, she'll be a big part of the family. She's a sweetheart and I'm sure her and her siblings, particularly her sister, are having a grand time up there.
I am also looking forward to seeing my cousins this upcoming week. Charlotte has a son two weeks older then Ayla and I can't wait to hug his sweet little body. It will be the closest I've come to holding my baby in two and a half months! I love my family out there, and can't wait to catch up with all of them. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Yes I talk about her tons but as a friend told me, it makes it easier on everyone to know that they can talk about her and not feel guilty.
I've contemplated Ayla's purpose and my part in the overall plan this week and have come to an inner peace. Ayla was sent here to receive a body. She knew full well what she was coming into, what kind of shape I was in, how I longed to be a perfect mother, the thing is, she came anyway!
She knew I wasn't perfect and yet she understood that maybe I needed her more then she needed me. I don't write much about my relationship on here and not many people know the details. No one needs to know but I find comfort in knowing that Ayla was there every night, everyday and felt every emotion i felt. She knew that sometimes I needed a kick in the ribs to remind me she was there and needed me to remember that she had unconditional love for Arles and I.
I was talking to my stake president this week about how the afterlife will work. He said something that made sense, he said that Ayla never got the opportunity to choose good from evil. That's what the millennium will be for; I'll get to teach her from my own experiences good from evil. Hopefully I'll be qualified enough by then to teach a perfect being.
I can't believe it's been two months today that she left. But for the first time in a while I feel like I can move forward with my life. I had a wonderful dream a couple weeks ago that left me feeling hopeful for the future, and for my future children. I know they are there and I can tell that although Ayla won't be here with them, she'll be a big part of the family. She's a sweetheart and I'm sure her and her siblings, particularly her sister, are having a grand time up there.
I am also looking forward to seeing my cousins this upcoming week. Charlotte has a son two weeks older then Ayla and I can't wait to hug his sweet little body. It will be the closest I've come to holding my baby in two and a half months! I love my family out there, and can't wait to catch up with all of them. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
3.07.2013
Lessons Learned
I have so many thoughts in my head tonight. So many emotions. A big change is about to take place and as happy as I should be, I am sad to be letting go of future dreams. It's like I am finally able to take a breath for the first time in two years. In way it's a good thing. Emotions can finally come out. I can let the flood gates open. No more masks. I am who I am and don't feel like I need walls anymore. It's refreshing.
A book in my life series is about to end. I learned a lot and will never be the same. As my cousin Charlotte said once that sorrow is holy. We all need sad books every once in a while. Lucky for me I have had a whole lot of joy too :) Ayla was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to thank her in person for being my rock and for choosing me to be her mom.
As always thank you for reading. I find this blog lets me reflect and look back on what I've learned. I'm just lucky that people also get to watch as I live and learn.
A book in my life series is about to end. I learned a lot and will never be the same. As my cousin Charlotte said once that sorrow is holy. We all need sad books every once in a while. Lucky for me I have had a whole lot of joy too :) Ayla was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to thank her in person for being my rock and for choosing me to be her mom.
As always thank you for reading. I find this blog lets me reflect and look back on what I've learned. I'm just lucky that people also get to watch as I live and learn.
3.06.2013
Disneyland 2013
I know this post is a little late but as promised here it is. Disneyland was fantastic! It made me feel like a child all over again :) I'm pretty sure that its more fun for the adults then it is for the children. This time around all of us could go on the same rides so there were no meltdowns. Well at least none to do with the rides. I had one just because Ayla wasn't there to enjoy it with us. But I bought her an outfit anyway :)
I had so many favourite parts! I love roller coasters so naturally I loved the thrill of all the rides. The only one I couldn't bring myself to attempt was the Hollywood Tower of Terror, I'm not a fan of dropping from any heights straight down...maybe next time.
A ride that I was surprised that I even liked was the Cars Speed Racers. It took us all some convincing but it was so fun :). I also loved the Toy Story Arcade ride. I lost miserably but it was so fun regardless.
The World of Color show was great! I find it so cool how they can project scenes from movies into the water. You'd think I was a child again reliving scenes from my favourite movies. I wish I could upload videos without it taking hours so I could show you. But oh well.
All in all we had a lot of fun and even if Ayla wasn't there I definitely bought a cute Minnie outfit for her so I would feel like she was included. I had to :P
I had so many favourite parts! I love roller coasters so naturally I loved the thrill of all the rides. The only one I couldn't bring myself to attempt was the Hollywood Tower of Terror, I'm not a fan of dropping from any heights straight down...maybe next time.
A ride that I was surprised that I even liked was the Cars Speed Racers. It took us all some convincing but it was so fun :). I also loved the Toy Story Arcade ride. I lost miserably but it was so fun regardless.
The World of Color show was great! I find it so cool how they can project scenes from movies into the water. You'd think I was a child again reliving scenes from my favourite movies. I wish I could upload videos without it taking hours so I could show you. But oh well.
All in all we had a lot of fun and even if Ayla wasn't there I definitely bought a cute Minnie outfit for her so I would feel like she was included. I had to :P
Childhood
Disney songs make my heart happy. Perhaps that's why I downloaded some classic ones this evening. They put a smile on my face :) It brings me back to childhood and to be honest, we all need to feel like a child every once in a while.
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