Looking Forward

With it being New Year's Eve tomorrow I've been reflecting on the past year, it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It's been a time of pain and of reflection. I feel like I've been through the refiners fire and have come out on top :) I cannot adequately describe the range of emotions that I have experienced this past year and I would hope that no one does understand. I feel like The Lord has shaped me into someone far greater and stronger then I ever thought existed. I am who I am and love it :)

My cousin Charlotte makes a goal word every year, it's like a New Years goal of sorts. I have not been good at making goals the past few years. In the past three or so years I think my goal has been to survive, this year however I have a different goal in mind. It's my gift to Ayla in a way, a way to show her that I am grateful for what her death let me do. 

The word this year is live.  

This year has been so focused on the past and grieving the future that I never got to experience, that there were days that I didn't appreciate the present. My life is fantastic and I'm tired of looking back and worrying about what is to come. 

When I found out Ayla would not recover I was heartbroken, I'm not often one to ask why but at that moment I did. Even now thinking about that time gets me panicked. I never want to experience that pain again. But after the pain numbed a bit I realized that I was really getting a chance to start fresh. I would have much preferred her to be right here next to me physically but there are certain things we can't change.  

The best I can do is live. Live my life and be happy with my life right now. Not what is was, or what it will be, but what it is. I think that I have grown quite a bit and I feel as if I'm finally ready to let go of control. For those that who know me you have probably noticed that I can be a touch OCD about things...particularly timing. I like things to go my way. But I'm learning patience :). 

I also know that in living my life I'm on the road to personal happiness. As long as I live every day to the fullest, learn to laugh, and let go of insignificant things, I will get more out of it.

I am so ready for this new year. I feel like 2014 will be fantastic.

{I put a YouTube video up but it doesn't show up on mobile devices so here's the link to it as well}

Let It Go-Idina Menzel