Angel Day and Ayla's Stocking Update

I feel like I have so much to share in the blog world today and the words I want to say are not coming as easily as I would like. But since I have neglected the post on Ayla's Stocking I will be combining that with my semi-annual letter to Ayla. Hopefully it will be worth the read.

Dear Ayla,
I am so filled with love today and it's hard to believe I am once again facing your angel day. Last year was hard. Harder then I could have imagined. But somehow I made it through it :) And this year has been so much better. I pushed through these past couple weeks with very little tears comparatively speaking. I had no break downs and ringing in the new year held no overwhelming feelings. I still miss you. Always will, but this year has felt different. I feel like God has blessed me with the opportunity to grow and learn and even though I can't hold you that's okay :) I love you so much and I would never take back the pain I endured. Both in losing you and the months leading up to your death.

This Christmas season was wonderful. I love that we are given the opportunity to celebrate our Savior's birth and how that brought about so many wonderful things. Through him and his sacrifice we have been given the opportunity to be together again. I love that in the temple and sometimes at home I feel you close, I don't always recognize it but I know you are there. Even little things like Emily sending me a text with miss Millie melts my heart and I know that you two know each other.

I delivered Ayla's Stocking for the second time and this year was even more wonderful then last! I sent out flyers in my hometown and the response and love I received was remarkable. People brought me to tears on a number of occasions. There was one special girl who's daughter probably awaited you in heaven. She left this life only a couple of weeks before you did and I remember feeling so terrible that her mom was enduring a similar situation. It breaks my heart. Please watch over her and her angel baby.

So in addition to sending out flyers and receiving so many wonderful and thoughtful gifts Aunt Janice got her workplace to help. The response was overwhelming. I walked into the house and saw the amount of toys there and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many good people in the world! Even amongst all the terrible things that are going on around us people find a way of surprising me. I know that you would love to see the children's faces as they received gifts in your name. I know that this will become a yearly tradition that I hope my future children can come to appreciate how serving others is by far the greatest gift we could give. I am so bad at writing cards but I hope to have thank you cards delivered to all who participated in the next couple months.

After delivering the toys we went up to the second floor of the hospital and looked at the memory tree. There are so many families who lost children :( I know that they too will see them again. I wish I could convey that message of hope to all, but this blog is as good as it gets for now. As I watched families walk by it still felt surreal, I can't believe that I lived that life for three weeks. And the fact I'm doing as well as I am is amazing to me. I could not have done it without the knowledge I have that's for sure.

Which brings me to my next point. The past couple months I have been struggling with forgiveness. I don't know why but for a while there I felt like I was starting over in that respect. But I have learned quite a bit from my studying. I learned that forgiving others is that it is not a one-time thing. You have to learn to forgive every. Single. Day. Just when I think I have forgiven someone old feelings come creeping up. For every couple of steps forward I feel like I take one back, this has been an ongoing challenge and honestly I think it probably will be for quite some time. No matter how many times you try to think of how much better life would have been if certain choices hadn't been made, it doesn't change the outcome. Dwelling on what could have been doesn't change a thing. And even more so being bitter about it doesn't help in the slightest. There are people in my past who probably have no idea how much they hurt me. And for a long time I hoped that one day they would come to understand how I felt at that particular time.

You were the only one there every moment of that, it was painful for me knowing that I couldn't hide the pain I was feeling from you. I so wish I could have shielded you from it...but honestly Ayla I think you were sent to me so that I would have something to look forward to. I needed you far more then you needed me. You knew what you were in for and you still came :) Thank you Ayla.

I also gained a greater understanding of the atonement. the past couple months. I was writing a talk on love and forgivingness Christ always comes to our aid and offers his sympathies knowing exactly how we feel. But the beauty is that he knows the other person too, so although he is sad for us and in no way diminishes our feelings, he also understands the logic behind others actions. He is the only person who can fully understand both sides of the story and in the end he will be the one to judge us. Fairly. It is so wonderful to know that someone will forgive us no matter what :) Even me. I have to work a little harder to get to the Celestial Kingdom then you did but that's okay, I'm on my way.

You would be proud to know that I am finally making new friends. For a long time I feared that my story would scare people off, or they wouldn't know what to say. It's true for some but I wouldn't change my story for anything. There are people who are afraid to approach the topic of you but as I've learned to be open about it I have found that people take it a lot better. As time goes on I have learned to embrace it. I also have stopped throwing you up as a wall. Sorry for that...I used to use it to keep people out and weed out the ones who couldn't handle it. But as I have found the balance I need to no longer feel the need to put up walls, but at the same time be cautious about who I let in, I have been so much more confident in myself.

I thank God everyday that he sent you to me. I learn more every year and I can't wait for the day to snuggle you in my arms.

Love you to heaven and back,

<3 Mom