My word for this past year has been live and looking back I notice that I have far surpassed my expectations. As I said last year I had been living in survival mode that I was numb to the world, I was still crying quite often and wishing that life had turned out much differently then it did. Once you go into survival mode it's very hard to come out of it. However, slowly (it didn't seem like progress at the time) I began to laugh more often, I started putting myself out there more, and I stopped trying to fit into the YSA mold I felt I needed to be.
I learned more about myself and who I could be more in the past year then I thought possible. Looking back I think I've made more progress then I had in a long time. I have become close to heaven and for the first time I have been okay with no definite plan.
The more I gave up control the more my life just seems to work out on its own. If a year ago you were to tell me that I would go on vacation with Megan, be a councelor at efy, change jobs, watch Eric leave on his mission, and start a process that I hadn't planned on starting for quite some time, I would say you were crazy. But everything has felt right and fallen into place so perfectly that I don't think it's all my doing.
There have been moments this year when I felt low. I realize that this happens to everyone but I don't like the feeling, it's like I feel the need to always be in control of my emotions. I think it started a long time before Ayla got sick but I started putting up an emotion wall, I go into this place where I allow myself to stop feeling. It doesn't always work, as evidence of my last few months before I separated, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and spill out.
In those times I found that God has always blessed me. Often it's through friends, family, scriptures, songs, and recently a lovely woman named Ashlee--her story is incredible! One day I will find the right words to express my feelings about her, but today is not that day. If I've learned one thing it's that I am always being watched over.
I feel like this year has been a transition year. Like I mentioned previously I didn't feel like I was making progress but looking back I see how far I've come. Now that I've transitioned into someone more confident and sure of myself I feel like it's time to go outward.
So in thinking this through I have decided that my word for this coming year is love. Now this is a pretty broad topic and I hope you'll bare with me while I explain.
I want to love where my life is right now. I've hit this point to a certain extent but I want to continue to not only be content with my here and now...but love where I am. And where life will take me. I really have no definite plans and I'm actually okay with that :). I want to feel like no matter what does or doesn't happen I can accept it. After the divorce I wanted life to move quickly along so that I could gain what I thought I had lost back. When it didn't happen I felt frustrated. However, the more I've relaxed and let my control over every aspect of my life go, the more I've realized that it's so much better this way. And I've grown because of it.
I also want to love who I am. Again I have been working on this but this year I plan to take more steps to become more confident in myself and my story. I really do love who I am becoming but I feel like I still need to heal a bit more and let go of the extra baggage I carry. It's slowly coming off but I want it mostly gone so I can move forward more then I already have. I don't want to be defined by my story. It bugs me when I'm introduced as "this is my friend Julie, she's divorced" I know that on here I'm pretty open about my life but I feel like through this blog people can begin to gain insight into who I am as a person. I don't want people meeting me for the first time to know nothing more than I'm divorced. I am so much more then that and it's time that I define who I am, not my story.
Last I want to show love to everyone around me. I want to be that genuinly happy person who can lift the spirits of those around me. Service would actually go hand in hand with this one. I don't want to focus on my trials anymore, they made me who I am but it's time I use them to help other people who are struggling. I get really nervous when people reach out for reassuring words but I want to find it in myself to know what I can do, and show them the love they derseve. This year I plan to study more on how to love and serve as Christ did. I have more to give then even I give myself credit for and it's time I embrace what I've learned and spread it outward. I just need to figure out exactly how to do that.
I feel like this year will be a big one...you know when you can just feel that things are going to change? This is how I feel about 2015. It's going to be exciting to see how it pans out.
So farewell 2014, it's been grand and you've let me relax and heal. But hello to 2015, I can't wait to see what you have in store :)
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