Ayla's 4th Birthday Letter! :)

Dearest Ayla Carol Jacqueline, 
My oh my! Can it really be your fourth birthday my sweet girl? It's so hard to even fathom that it's been four years since I brought you into the world (quite to your dismay I might add). And that really blows my mind...four years?! Each year it gets easier. And with every passing year it gets a bit easier. I have my cry then I go on pretending it's just a regular day. 

It's not though and I wish I could find a better way to remember you other then these yearly letters--and let's be honest, they are more for me then you anyway :P. It's therapeutic for me. Once a year I feel that I'm talking directly to you through heaven express. It may seem odd to some but I think of it as more of a letter letting you know how life is going. I would like to add that I am posting this from Denver! It is John and Sarah's reception this weekend (tonight actually) and so the whole family is here. I'm sure you joined us as well. 

Shall we get started? 

This year has been interesting and again I'm in awe at how quickly time has moved! I have grown up in quite a few ways and let's be honest...some things never change and it's hard to imagine me ever being mature enough to raise a child. But that's beside the point. I often think at how you laugh at my life choices sometimes...staying up until four thirty last week being one of them. I'm getting too old for that. 

Throughout this year I learned a lot about myself and how your death was necessary in helping me grow into who I am. I so wish I could have learned these lessons another way...but that was not the plan and I've accepted that. 

I have felt you close in the times I most needed it Ayla, and for that I'm grateful. One of my deepest fears was that once you passed I would feel an empty space where you used to be, to be honest it's never completely healed up...but the moments where I feel that spot isn't so noticeable anymore. It's been filled with love of different kinds. There will always be a special part in my heart where your raspberry bubbles, wise eyes, and chunky rolls will dwell and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Back in May I attended a Time Out For Women event in Lethbridge. Not only were the presenters fantastic but the music was incredible! I was sitting there listening to the music and could feel it fill my soul all weekend long and I had a moment where I remembered exactly what music had done for me. While I was pregnant, you and I spent countless hours quietly on the couch. My only comfort was knowing that I wasn't alone and that soon I'd meet the precious child who I had grown accustomed to sharing my body with. There was a night where instead of dwelling on my situation I had the impression to play some efy music for you. It brought such a peace to both of us and I knew that you needed it just as much as I did. 

A few months later you were laying in a hospital bed in a coma and according to the monitor there was no brain activity....until uncle Chris sent a few videos of him playing the piano. He asked that I lay my phone next to you and play his music; I did this and there was a second there that on the ECG that there was brain activity. Music always calmed you down. And brought such comfort to you and I. 

I guess for a time I forgot how powerful music was and can be. So as I was listening to David Archuletta, Sandra Tulley and GENTRI I remembered those times where music had helped me feel God (and later you) close. It brought tears to my eyes and I knew that I needed to let my soul soak in those words and notes to break down some walls I tend to build up. How grateful I was to be reminded of those sacred moments. You and I will always share the love of music. 

This summer I spent some time with Charlotte, Emily, and their families. You would think being around children would be difficult but it's really not. If anything it reaffirms that I am still a mother, capable of loving far beyond what I ever imagined. And watching them interact with your second cousins did my heart good. I have no doubts that you visit their children often. I asked Millie if she knew you...it was a very distinct yes. I'm so happy that even if they grow up and forget those moments that I won't. It's wonderful to know you are very much a part of our lives. Charlotte and Emily are fantastic mothers and their husbands are caring fathers. I'm grateful that they allowed me in to bask in those experiences and show me what a eternal family looks like. One day I hope to experience it for myself. 

Uncle Eric is home! And how wonderful it is to have him back. He has also grown in many ways and I'm proud of the man he's become. As the day got closer to when he would arrive home I was so excited to finally hug him again. Families are eternal and knowing that no matter the time apart we will always have a joyous reunion in the end gave me hope. We will always be together and how grateful I am for that! 

He has always been a wonderful brother but the past month I have come to the conclusion that he has grown into a man. The best thing he has done so far was to serve a mission. It's changed him in ways I never imagined.

I took an institute class during the winter semester and it dealt with families and the church's stance on the eternal families. It taught me so many things about myself and helped me to face my fears head on. Of all the things church related that helped me this year I believe it was this class that helped the most. I had some things I buried deep inside and it was time to dig them out and deal with them. It was painful and refreshing all at the same time. If that makes sense. 

Part of the new institute program is that not only do you need to show up, but you must do your readings and answer some questions. It gave me things to reflect on and I'm grateful for all I learned. Sometimes it's difficult to find my place as a childless mother in a young single adult situation. And sometimes talking about motherhood causes tears...not that I am upset but because I miss it. There are other ways to feel a smaller scale satisfaction. And for now those will suffice :). 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you Ayla. And this year in particular has felt very raw for me, there are things that haven't bothered me in years that I think needed one last moment of remembrance before I tossed it away. Just a few moments of "I acknowledge you but you do not control me". Do you know how empowering it is to finally be able to see not where I was, but where I am? It's a good feeling knowing that my life is finally moving forward and those triggers are being dealt with. I rose and continue to rise above so many trials and thankfully I know that I have help. 

As I was writing this letter I had a recognition of how many experiences I have had the opportunity to have in the past four years. Nothing would make me happier then to have been able to keep you here with me, and I'll be honest there are times I feel that life was a little unfair to me. Babies are born every day and their parents get to experience everything that comes with being a parent. And sometimes they take that for granted...I know I did. I wish I would have appreciated every single moment I had with you more. That's my deepest regret...deep down I know you knew how dearly you were loved but I wish I could have shown you more. 

However, there are many things I have been given the opportunity to experience that I would not have been able to had you been with me. I have friends I would never had met, callings I would not have been in, knowledge and understanding that I would never had gained, and most of all the closeness I have gained to my Saviour and Redeemer. I had no other choice but to allow Him to heal my broken heart when it felt that I would never move on from this, that I would never again be happy. Through the Atonement I have moved forward and have become someone I never would have thought I could be. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Ayla. And if I had the option to do it over I would. A thousand times yes. Being your mother has given me more joy then I can express with words. One day I hope to wrap my arms around you and tell you that in person. Time has gone so much faster then I ever imagined but I have come a long way since this day four years ago. I feel that I haven't come too far since this time last year but I know however small the change, it's change never the less. Thank you for allowing me to feel you close. A veil separates us for now. But one day it won't :). 

I love you so much sweetheart, 

Mom