How can 2016 be over already? This year went by so fast I barely realized it was happening. And here we are again, a new year, new goals, and no idea what the future holds. I found that this past year my catch phrase has been "I'm busy, but good". I love my calling and love serving others but at the same time I know my limits. There were days where I felt perfectly fine opting out of a social activity to spend some time on myself. We all need some sort of balance.
With 2016 going by so fast I didn't start thinking and reflecting as soon as I regularly do. But luckily I had some time before work starts up again. Last year my word was trust. It's hard to see the progress to be honest but there was some. I have made some solid friendships this year and have knocked down a few walls in doing so. There was a time that I would retreat and try to handle life on my own. I always have my family, that's a given, but I don't let people in easily...and some of the things from my past are difficult to talk about. But I have a wonderful group of friends who are open to allowing me to talk about the hard stuff. What's amazing to me is that they may not understand completely but I was not allowing them the opportunity to try before. Everyone has some sort of experiences to pull from. I was just too stubborn to let people in to see what I am behind my mask. I don't feel like I have much of one anymore, anyone who knows me knows that dropping that mask is a huge step.
I have come so far in my calling. I gained confidence and had the realization that I can't help everyone but I am enough. And am doing enough. My brother helped me to see this too, if we continually dwell on what we lack we are often left feeling exasperated from the efforts that will never measure up to what they could be, if we were perfect. We are not though and you know what? That's okay. I always have a hard time believing that I am doing all I can but this year I feel like I had an ah-ha moment where I finally could see that by just living and trying I was being exactly what I need to be at this time. I am far better off then I was a year ago :).
I am finding that people are starting to ask me to share my story. There was no way three years ago that I would stand in front of the entire YSA and share something so deep. I had no problem grazing the surface but getting to the raw stuff? No way, particularly with my divorce. In November I had this opportunity. The YSA-I president called me up to ask if I would share some of the experiences I have had in YSA and how I have "Engaged In the Wrestle". I asked him if he was aware of what I had been through and he assured me that yes, and he felt it needed to be shared.
This brings me to my new word, vulnerable. I kept trying to think of other words that I could use but this one seemed to fit the most with what I need to be this year. It's funny how that works.
Now, it doesn't mean I want to be innocent or to be weak. I want to be confident enough in myself and my experiences to allow people to see who I am beneath what I normally share. I started this process already but I have things in life that are hard to share because of the pain associated with them. I don't like showing "weakness" in talking to others and certainly don't want to show tears. But connecting with people on a deeper level requires a certain amount of vulnerability. Particularly when they are going through hard times themselves. You have to allow them to see that behind the words "it'll get better I promise" is the very real feelings of knowing that there will always be days where the pain manifests itself. Often at the most inopportune time. Once you open yourself up to those very raw emotions they see you as someone who is relatable.
I have always been pegged as the strong person and I know it's silly but I feel that I need to always stay in that role. Whether it's in my calling or in every day life I always feel that I have to be strong for everyone. So I still struggle to show my weaknesses because I feel like it's my responsibility to always have it together and when I don't I feel at a loss as to who I can be weak with. But, what I've already seen is that people, if given the opportunity, will step up and support you during those days of weakness. Why I don't remember that more often I'm not sure :P. But I am going to try to allow myself those moments more often this year.
Last, I can be stubborn. But really...as already established I will do anything to show I can do things on my own. Sometimes to the point I don't allow God to help me. I don't know if anyone else gets this way but I will give up control and let it flow in the direction God sees fit. But then...I take back the control and try to force it the way I feel it should go. The one person who can help me only asks that I allow Him to do so and I can't bring myself to ask sometimes. If I don't ask I can't get the things I so desperately seek. I have always valued prayer but I think it's time to be more honest with God. He already knows me better than I know myself so by letting him in and admitting that I don't have the answers will likely change our relationship immensely.
Now, it doesn't mean I want to be innocent or to be weak. I want to be confident enough in myself and my experiences to allow people to see who I am beneath what I normally share. I started this process already but I have things in life that are hard to share because of the pain associated with them. I don't like showing "weakness" in talking to others and certainly don't want to show tears. But connecting with people on a deeper level requires a certain amount of vulnerability. Particularly when they are going through hard times themselves. You have to allow them to see that behind the words "it'll get better I promise" is the very real feelings of knowing that there will always be days where the pain manifests itself. Often at the most inopportune time. Once you open yourself up to those very raw emotions they see you as someone who is relatable.
I have always been pegged as the strong person and I know it's silly but I feel that I need to always stay in that role. Whether it's in my calling or in every day life I always feel that I have to be strong for everyone. So I still struggle to show my weaknesses because I feel like it's my responsibility to always have it together and when I don't I feel at a loss as to who I can be weak with. But, what I've already seen is that people, if given the opportunity, will step up and support you during those days of weakness. Why I don't remember that more often I'm not sure :P. But I am going to try to allow myself those moments more often this year.
Last, I can be stubborn. But really...as already established I will do anything to show I can do things on my own. Sometimes to the point I don't allow God to help me. I don't know if anyone else gets this way but I will give up control and let it flow in the direction God sees fit. But then...I take back the control and try to force it the way I feel it should go. The one person who can help me only asks that I allow Him to do so and I can't bring myself to ask sometimes. If I don't ask I can't get the things I so desperately seek. I have always valued prayer but I think it's time to be more honest with God. He already knows me better than I know myself so by letting him in and admitting that I don't have the answers will likely change our relationship immensely.
I can't wait to see what journeys are in store for me this year!
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