2019!

Oh my! 2019 and I already feel like I'm behind, usually I have these written weeks in advance but last year just flew by. Between planning a wedding, getting married, and adjusting to my new normal I rarely feel like I can get everything done I need to in a day. It's not bad, I just am learning that new balance between making a to-do list, and making my realistic list. Chris is always reminding me that I will never feel accomplished if I continued in the way I was. If I have learned one thing this year it's that I will never be a perfect mom. Best I recognize that now!

Last year I choose patience as my word to focus on. To be honest that was not something I wanted to learn, I have set plans and a set timeline for when I expected my goals to be accomplished. I learned that it took on a few different meanings for me this year; patience with others and myself.

It was so difficult to let go of control, particularly when it came to wanting to start the rest of my life. I was so frustrated that my perfectly laid out plan was not working. Looking back I needed the time I was given and it helped me gain perspective on how the rest of the year would pan out. At the time though,  I hated that I felt like I had no say in where my life was heading, and that's scary! I always had a plan and the only time I didn't I ended up with losing two people I cared deeply about. So I became very rigid.

The best things in life come to those who wait. I began to see that if I was always waiting for the next big thing to happen, that I was neglecting to see the here and now. The first five months of the year I kept telling myself that if I made it to the next weekend that maybe things would get moving. They didn't. So I started to focus on the things that were in my control. I relaxed a bit and let God guide me and it was then that I felt at peace. Apparently that's all that was needed, unfortunately this is a lesson I learn over and over. That when I just let go and let nature run it's course, things turn out so much better.

The other part of the year funny enough was tougher for me. I felt that because I learned to be patient with my new family the transition went almost flawlessly. Becoming a mother again was everything I ever wanted and having Chris by my side has been a dream; I really couldn't have asked for a better man. Where my struggles came was learning to be patient with myself. I strive for perfection in all I do, and that's not something anyone can measure up to. I constantly felt that I was falling short as a wife and a mother. Not only that, but anxiety and flashbacks of my previous relationship left me feeling broken and ashamed. I really struggled in feeling like I had to be super mom all the time. Cooking perfect meals, spending enough time with all three of my family members, keeping the house clean and in order, as well as fulfill my calling in the church. And truth be told, I couldn't do it all.

I learned however that it was so important to take time for myself and not get frustrated when I just can't do everything I planned for that day. I hated feeling like I was failing when in actuality I was not. Just like you go to the doctor when you have a reoccurring pain in an old wound, I went to a counsellor to fix my mental health. I used to fight the anxiety attacks and was embarrassed that after all this time, I still had not dealt with everything. I learned that it was so important to allow myself time to have those moments, instead of fighting them, say "bring it on" and be okay in the few minutes of panic. The attacks often didn't last as long, and my family didn't fall apart in my absence.

This brings me to my new word. It's something that again, I thought a lot about and decided it's something that I need to focus on as I progress further into my current life. The word is relax. Relaxing in my expectations on myself, relaxing on the everyday essentials, and just taking the time to sit back and really soak in my life.

I still put high expectations on myself and often I fall short. I am one that if you need something, I will do everything in my power to get it done, often giving up the me time I desperately need. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but Chris is always the one saying that I need to take it easy. I work all day cleaning and cooking and taking care of the house that even after the girls are in bed I am still finishing the tasks I haven't got to yet. It's draining and leaves me feeling emotionally and physically drained almost on the daily. I love my job as a stay at home mom but attempting to be perfect at it is something I need to let go. I started this near the end of the year, but I have gone to counselling to take care of some of the personal issues I dealt with. Now the key is to practice what I was taught.

This year I am going to work on living in the here and now. In my attempt to have perfection in the home I don't take time to enjoy the new life I have. I have two beautiful girls at home who sometimes just need me to put down the cleaning supplies and spend time with them. The housework can wait, but them getting older and growing up won't. Melissa is already a teenager and before I know it she'll be graduating high school and moving on in life. I don't want to miss a moment of that. Also, along with that is recognizing that it's okay to not have a fantastic meal every day. Having KD some days is not the end of the world.

To finish off I really just want to allow myself permission to do the things I enjoy. Not only will it help me mentally but as I feel more relaxed in life, my whole family will hopefully benefit from it. I have such a good life and it's been a long time since I have been this happy. There are challenges that come with being thrown in as an insta-parent but I have loved having that part of me open again. Today is Ayla's Angel Day and I'd be lying if I said it was an easy few weeks, however my new family have been so loving and supportive. I have finally allowed myself to feel things that I have suppressed for seven years. It says a lot that my body is able to cope with the memories and not allow them to have power over me anymore. Yes, life was hell for a bit there, but everything I experienced made me into the Julie 2.0 version I am today.

I am so grateful for where my journey has taken me. And now it's time to let it take me where I need to go in the next year. I'm excited to relax and let the fears and walls I have to be taken down once and for all.