So here’s the thing, I try to write about relevant topics on my blog. And I've had this in the draft folder for quite some time. This week I had another trigger that caused me to reflect on that time of my life, seven years ago. Mainly it’s the closing of an old chapter and coming to grips with part of my life that I never saw coming. I wouldn’t take back the lessons I learned though, and my hope is that someone out there can see the light in the midst of the darkness.
A while back I read a post about a divorced man and the things he learned about himself during his divorce. It of course was written from a man's perspective and so I want to add the women's side. All the points are interchangeable in my opinion but one thing it failed to recognize that there are two parties involved and often both contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. I am not saying he's entirely to blame, because part of the understanding I received came from recognizing that going into a new marriage there were things I needed to change.
I have come to understand that every one has a different experience and their own reasons for a failed marriage. And I say failed because anytime divorce comes about it really is admitting to yourself and the other person involved that you failed in one way or another. I don't dwell too much on the who is to blame rather what you personally can do to prevent it again.
I am divorced myself. And I don't take that title lightly. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking that it will one day end. No one wants to think that, nor do I think it should ever be in the back of your head as an escape hatch. Marriage is hard, and to be honest there are days that you wonder what you got yourself into. But ultimately it's seeing that despite everything, they are still there, and you for them. It doesn't have to be hard all the time! It is fun and brings new things into your life you never dreamed of having, and having someone to share it with is incredible. I liked being married actually (many people just assumed I didn't because of the end result, but I truly did). I loved having someone to come home to, to build a future with, and being able to share my whole soul with. In my church we believe that marriages last forever. And that's the way I always looked at it, they aren't suppose to end and no matter the trials that come your way, you are suppose to grow and learn together as you strive to become a better person.
Unfortunately some do. Including my previous one. I always choose to believe that you have to exhaust all your options before you even think of it and believe me when I say I genuinely felt I did. I did what I felt was right and I still know it was. I came to a peace about my decision a long time ago. You need God to help you reach the decision to marry, and you need him as you choose to end it.
But, in a church where so much is centered around families it's extremely difficult to sit in church listening to "the ideal" and knowing that you choose to leave. You choose to leave a marriage, yes for very real, very valid reasons, but you still choose to leave. And failing. No one likes failure and in this very important eternal law, you failed. There was so many days I sat in church feeling lost. I kept repeating over and over "you failed Julie, if you had done a) b) c) it could have worked. It's all your fault. You gave up too easy, you didn't push hard enough", and the biggest lie of all; "you didn't put everything you had into it." To be honest I had been told this for so many months that I began to believe it. Sadly I thought so little of myself that I thought it was entirely my fault. I came to understand that no one needs to be treated the way I was but at the time I felt it was all true. Satan is very real and would love for you to think that you messed up the plan and you will never be happy again.
Divorce is never in the plan. Frankly nothing is in the plan you so carefully lay out. I didn't choose to lose Ayla so soon after losing my marriage but one thing it give me was a fresh start. I didn't feel like anyone would want to marry me after what I had been through, like most divorcees I have scars and there was always those people who asked if I was worried no one would want me after all this. It was a legitimate fear for me because people hear "divorced" and typically tense up. It's not a pretty word. And not something I liked getting into with people, particularly the YSA. My ex-husband choose his addictions over me and that's bound to leave some sort of complex.
I never felt completely hopeless though, more and more you hear people talk about pain and the past with a more positive light. Not that it is great or ideal but it is more accepted as reality. It's fantastic to see that in the loneliest time of your life, you can find people who never leave your side. There are good people out there and I always knew that not all men acted the way I became accustomed to. There's good ones if you know where to look. I think that's what made the difference for me, believing that I could one day be happy and find someone who would willing take me to the temple again.
I learned some great lessons from my divorce and I hope I am a better wife for it. I'm still soft spoken and avoid fights at any cost, but being a door mat is not okay either. Listening to your spouse is key, and not only that but communicating your feelings. Whether they are happy or not, bottling them up will never lead anywhere good. And I think most of all is believing the best in them. I struggled and still do sometimes thinking that one day it'll all fall to pieces. But realizing that it likely won't has helped me immensely. There is so much good out there. Seeing that is the key to a good life.
I guess what I'm getting at is being divorced taught me hard life lessons, but ones I was eventually grateful for. Leaving is okay. And you should never feel like a failure for it. Most of all; believe better things will come, open yourself up to being happy again and they surely will.
I'm so lucky that I got to have a second chance to learn more about myself and what a healthy marriage is suppose to be. It's not always easy but the past seven months have been so wonderful. I have grown as a wife and a mother, and can't wait to see what the future holds.
If anyone is struggling and would like to talk, as I don't like to post the details on a public domain, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wouldn't be where I am without people in my life that held me up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
Thank you! \
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