Announcing!...

I have wrote and rewrote numerous drafts of how I wanted to present this news. I had lots of exclamation points in some, and a serious mood in others, but I believe I am combining the best of both in this final one. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to feel a certain emotion because all of us are on our separate journeys, with experiences that change how we view others and the world around us. Keep that in mind as you read on.

I'll start from the beginning. Chris and I knew going into this marriage that we both wanted at least one more and after losing Ayla I knew I wanted to experience the whole process of pregnancy again. Chris agreed and so for us it was a matter of timing. Last time everything was so fast that I just wanted to take my time, figure out my new life, and also get my mental health taken care of too. I have to admit it was nice to have the days to myself to be able to cook and clean, and sometimes take a break. But there came a point where things were as good as they were ever going to be.

So, at nine months in we decided it was time to stop preventing it. Just like with Ayla I geared myself up for months of waiting and trying like most people. I did everything I could of course, I even ate a grapefruit a day! And on June 3rd after an episode of walking by a bathroom in the house and almost tossing my cookies, followed closely by actually tossing my cookies after opening the compost to put some carrot peels in (I'm usually pretty good, it's gross, but I have only got sick once in the two and a half years we have been together) I took a test expecting it to be negative...it was not. I started to walk away and saw a faint line, I swore, sat back down and the second line only got darker. Who gets pregnant the first try two times in a row?! Apparently me. I could not be more thrilled and terrified at the same time! Until that appointment where I saw a tiny dancing peanut I still thought that my body was playing tricks on me. 

In sharing this news along with joy came the feeling of sadness. I have gone through so much in life but infertility was never one of them. When I got my positive result I thought of all the people around me who yearn for months and years to have what I have, and I felt somewhat embarrassed that it comes so easy for me. I know the feeling of opening social media and see yet another person announcing something exciting. After Ayla died it seemed it was everywhere and every time I saw it, I would feel a rush of pain that for what ever reason, that was not my path. So although I am over the moon excited, I also know that for some of my readers, there will be tears streaming down your face.

Don't worry about being happy for me, I will not take offence if you feel the need to go MIA for a while and I will cry with you if you ever need that from me. I love you all and wish you all the happiness you deserve, whether that's a baby, a marriage, or simply just to be able to feel again.

So here I am months later, feeling slightly less like I want to throw up, than eat some chips and ranch dip, then end up throwing up that chips and dip; and more like this is fun--for another couple months...then it'll feel like I'm carrying a beachball. Every milestone I hit has felt better. I have a husband who loves me even when my hormones were all over the place, and I have two daughters here and one in heaven that have shown me they are excited too.

In mid February we will have a little one to add to our chaos. And we couldn't be more thrilled.

All seven of us bound for eternity. Drawn by Melissa.