I am so sorry that I didn't write you on your birthday, and I'll get to why in a minute. You are seven my dear, SEVEN! It's hard to fathom that you would be in grade one, you would be independent, sassy, and you're own person with your own ideas. As I was dropping off Kaylee on the first day of school it was a reality check that this year is her last year in elementary and watching her with a little girl we babysit reminded me that she would have been so good to you. Both your stepsisters would have been.
I miss you, as always, but with having two girls at home and one unknown babe on the way my life is pretty hectic, which actually is nice. I'm pretty sure that up in heaven you laugh at all the circumstances that you see me try to navigate. Melissa is a teen and Kaylee wants to be a teen. It's hard some days but I can only imagine the chaos which would ensue if you were here too. I am so grateful that my new family has taken you in as their own family and I can't wait for the day that everyone gets to meet. You've already met the girls mom, and I know that she loves you too. Heck, I'm positive that you two conspire some days to see how far I can be pushed, but at the same time I find comfort in knowing that you and Pamella are just an arm reach away ready to step in to help me through those hard days. And believe me, there are plenty.
One would think after so many years I would be able to move past those tears every year. At times I wish I could talk to your Great Grandma Wood about her loss. Did she cry years down the road? Did she think of you every time she felt Aunt Kathy kick inside her? How did she not become over-protective when her kids were sick? If you could, could you please ask her to send down some pointers. This pregnancy has been different in many ways but one is being reminded of my last, and being terrified of what this babe's future holds.
I finally figured out why I am having such a hard time writing this for you. It took a video about grief for me to recognize it, but I finally came to terms with it. I'm pregnant again, and with that all my previous fears have been weighing on me. My life is so different than the first time I wrote you and I am so very sorry I was not the mother you deserved me to be. My life was a mess and you were my shining star. Had it not been for you, I would have stayed in a very toxic environment, losing myself along the way. I loved you so much Ayla and you have to know that.
My greatest fear is this; how do I be a mom to the new babe? I am not the mom I was to you, or even to Melissa and Kaylee, this is totally new, and with how fast you got sick I worry more than I should. Mainly I am scared that the new babe will feel overshadowed by her sister that she never knew. In the video I was watching, the father talked about how he was his daughter's father, but he feared that he wouldn't be the same father to his son. This expressed my feelings exactly. I want to be the happy mom I always wanted to be for you. I know it wasn't my fault but I was so stressed and exhausted that I never felt that I was doing a good enough job. I just want this new babe to know you, to come to love you as much as the girls and I have. At the same time I know that I am a different person than I was eight years ago when I first got pregnant, or even seven when you were born. I've grown in many ways, but I have also gained some pretty scary perspectives that cause me a bit of anxiety over what will come next. Between Chris and I this is our fourth baby. I never had a husband who was there, and you never had a dad with us 24/7. I had family of course and your grandparents and uncles helped so much, but ultimately, you were my child and eventually we would have to figure out how being in a divorced parent situation would work. In many ways your death helped alleviate some of that pressure, but the cost was high.
It's a strange watching your two older sisters getting to know you through me. I never thought that they would come to think of you as part of the family, especially when they never knew you. This brings me some comfort, knowing that no matter how our family changes over the upcoming years, that you will always be part of it. I know that the baby and you spent a great deal of time together and I hope that will continue to help us all in this new transition.
I love you sweet girl.
-Mom
The video that helped me write this letter.
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