Ayla's Stocking; Remembering Those Who Are Still in Pain

It November! That means that we are kicking off my favourite time. When those crazies out there (myself included) are ramping up for Christmas as early as we can, I am also thinking about how I want to best present this year's Ayla's Stocking service project. Through the years it's grown into a tradition that even if no one else contributed, I'd still drive all the way to the Hospice and deliver what toys I can. I love that I can feel like I am giving back in the small way I know how. I don't know the families personally, but I do know that the small gifts I got but in the hospital, and later, hospice still mean so much to me. I have my Ayla box filled with little things that I received while there and even seven years later, I remember everything with clarity.

This year has been different in that in mid-May I became pregnant. It makes it more real knowing that my family is moving on without Ayla. I always knew, and prayed, that I would eventually be able to bring a child into the world again. With that came very real fears, I remember everything that happened leading up to Ayla's diagnosis, and later her death. I have this fear that this time won't be different, that I will lose this baby just as I lost Ayla. It's terrifying. For me, it's reminded me that although I have my rainbow baby on the way, that there are many families who are where I was seven years ago, ones who have no hope that their family could ever move forward from this. In the thick of everything you just do what you can to survive. I only had Ayla but more often than not there are families with other children who are struggling too.

You become a different person after losing a child, or even having a child who is terminally ill and crisis could strike at any time. I often forget those families in these posts, the ones who trek forward year after year never knowing which Christmas could be their last. I have the deepest respect for those who continue to fight even on the days when they feel there is nothing left to give. The hospice here not only provides a safe place for those who are losing their child, but also provides care for the child who's parents deserve a much needed weekend off once in a while.

In the seven years(!) I've been doing this it's become apparent to me that although it's been so long, I don't think anyone can truly heal. Year after year I shed tears over the mom I wished I could be for Ayla versus the one I am for my new family. I can't imagine trying to endure all I did during that period of time while having other children to look after. One of the biggest questions I had was how to incorporate my new children in with Ayla. Some children are old enough to remember their sibling but some aren't, the pain of knowing that can become all consuming. One year the hospice allowed the children in the house to "shop" for gifts to give their siblings, a luxury that they may never get again. Imagine the significance of knowing that the last Christmas you had with that child was filled with such tender memories and hopefully some smiles. It doesn't fix the pain in the years to come, but definitely helps.

This year I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 13th when I will take them to the hospice myself.  As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

As always I thank you for the outpouring of love given to me. As my family grows and changes I appreciate that people still want to contribute. This has become something that my girls look forward to doing each year and can't wait to expand it to little babe next. Please find a way to serve this Christmas season and I can't wait to watch as the spirit of Christmas floods the world.