Denver Trip

As you know I last weekend with family that I don't see very often. I knew it would be difficult but I'm so glad I went! I am grateful to Uncle Mark and Aunt Denise for allowing me into their home. I always enjoy my time with them.

We did everything from shopping to playing games. I love it. I hadn't seen them since the summer before Charlotte's wedding. So much has changed! Charlotte has a handsome baby boy named Asher, Emily got married to Johnny (I hope to meet him someday), John is getting ready for his mission, and Sarah is definitely not the 4 year old I met all those years ago!!! Things change but I love that we're family. So no matter what happens and changes we'll always be a family :)

I had great conversations with them and found that as I talked to them I felt like I was letting everything go. I love them so much! I realized that I need to make more of an effort to see them. We may live far apart but I feel just as close to them as my family up here.

A highlight was meeting my dear cousin Asher. As soon as I held him I felt that he knew who I was. I felt Ayla close when I was with him and I know for a fact that she visits often. Before landing I was getting nervous about seeing him. Knowing that Ayla and him were two weeks apart and seeing him might spark sadness in me was a bit overwhelming. I had nothing to fear though. He helped me grieve in ways that no one can understand. He brought me such joy that I finally felt ready to go back to work. It was remarkable.

I loved being in Denver and am so grateful for technology that keeps us in touch. I hope that I can continue to visit as families grow in size. I really do have a fabulous extended family!!

Here's a photo recap of the trip :)

Reflection

The past week has been a hard one for me. Every day it feels like Ayla's memory drifts further and further away from me, and I don't know how to stop this process. It's a natural process and perhaps losing tiny bits of her makes it easier to move on. That way I won't constantly be comparing every child I hold to her.

Yes I talk about her tons but as a friend told me, it makes it easier on everyone to know that they can talk about her and not feel guilty.

I've contemplated Ayla's purpose and my part in the overall plan this week and have come to an inner peace. Ayla was sent here to receive a body. She knew full well what she was coming into, what kind of shape I was in, how I longed to be a perfect mother, the thing is, she came anyway!

She knew I wasn't perfect and yet she understood that maybe I needed her more then she needed me. I don't write much about my relationship on here and not many people know the details. No one needs to know but I find comfort in knowing that Ayla was there every night, everyday and felt every emotion i felt. She knew that sometimes I needed a kick in the ribs to remind me she was there and needed me to remember that she had unconditional love for Arles and I.

I was talking to my stake president this week about how the afterlife will work. He said something that made sense, he said that Ayla never got the opportunity to choose good from evil. That's what the millennium will be for; I'll get to teach her from my own experiences good from evil. Hopefully I'll be qualified enough by then to teach a perfect being.

I can't believe it's been two months today that she left. But for the first time in a while I feel like I can move forward with my life. I had a wonderful dream a couple weeks ago that left me feeling hopeful for the future, and for my future children. I know they are there and I can tell that although Ayla won't be here with them, she'll be a big part of the family. She's a sweetheart and I'm sure her and her siblings, particularly her sister, are having a grand time up there.

I am also looking forward to seeing my cousins this upcoming week. Charlotte has a son two weeks older then Ayla and I can't wait to hug his sweet little body. It will be the closest I've come to holding my baby in two and a half months! I love my family out there, and can't wait to catch up with all of them. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">

Lessons Learned

I have so many thoughts in my head tonight. So many emotions. A big change is about to take place and as happy as I should be, I am sad to be letting go of future dreams. It's like I am finally able to take a breath for the first time in two years. In way it's a good thing. Emotions can finally come out. I can let the flood gates open. No more masks. I am who I am and don't feel like I need walls anymore. It's refreshing.

A book in my life series is about to end. I learned a lot and will never be the same. As my cousin Charlotte said once that sorrow is holy. We all need sad books every once in a while. Lucky for me I have had a whole lot of joy too :) Ayla was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to thank her in person for being my rock and for choosing me to be her mom.

As always thank you for reading. I find this blog lets me reflect and look back on what I've learned. I'm just lucky that people also get to watch as I live and learn.

Disneyland 2013

I know this post is a little late but as promised here it is. Disneyland was fantastic! It made me feel like a child all over again :) I'm pretty sure that its more fun for the adults then it is for the children. This time around all of us could go on the same rides so there were no meltdowns. Well at least none to do with the rides. I had one just because Ayla wasn't there to enjoy it with us. But I bought her an outfit anyway :)

I had so many favourite parts! I love roller coasters so naturally I loved the thrill of all the rides. The only one I couldn't bring myself to attempt was the Hollywood Tower of Terror, I'm not a fan of dropping from any heights straight down...maybe next time.

A ride that I was surprised that I even liked was the Cars Speed Racers. It took us all some convincing but it was so fun :). I also loved the Toy Story Arcade ride. I lost miserably but it was so fun regardless.

The World of Color show was great! I find it so cool how they can project scenes from movies into the water. You'd think I was a child again reliving scenes from my favourite movies. I wish I could upload videos without it taking hours so I could show you. But oh well.

All in all we had a lot of fun and even if Ayla wasn't there I definitely bought a cute Minnie outfit for her so I would feel like she was included. I had to :P

Childhood

Disney songs make my heart happy. Perhaps that's why I downloaded some classic ones this evening. They put a smile on my face :) It brings me back to childhood and to be honest, we all need to feel like a child every once in a while.

Range of Emotions

The past couple days have given me a range of emotions. It seems that ever since returning from Disneyland (more on that coming soon!) I have been missing Ayla more. I look through her pictures at least once a day and slowly, very slowly forgetting what it was like to hold my precious baby. This is quite honestly the hardest part of the whole process. Seeing her die was difficult but even after she passed I held her warm body for a few hours more before I had to face reality.

Now I'm facing real life without her. I can't walk into her room at night and touch her soft little cheeks, I can't hold her close when life gets difficult. She was so pure and holding her felt like I had heaven in my arms. I don't mean to rant on things I can't do but with death of a child, comes death of a lifetime of dreams for her.

Yesterday I received an email from Alberta Health telling me that my daughter was about to reach the six month milestone, it explained all the exciting things I get to see her do. It was hard knowing that my sweet baby is not going to ever reach these milestones.

I put away some of her clothes today. Things that she wore only days before she went into the hospital. Things that I took for granted. Things she will never wear. The sleeper that she wore hours before she died. With each article of clothing I put away it felt like I was finally admitting that she is not coming home, admitting that particular part of my life is over.

I understand that she will always be with me, I do. And I'm grateful that her and I are forever an eternal family. I just want her. It's so difficult forgetting what she felt like and what my supposed reality was. I am facing life without her. That is the hardest part, knowing that my life will never be the same and that my sweet child is not here for me to parent and watch grow. I so desperately yearn for her warm pudgy body. To feel like I am doing my duty as a woman. I know I did do it but in a way I feel robbed of the opportunity to teach her all that I know.

There is nothing like a bond between mother and child. I was the one who carried her for nine months and who felt her body and spirit grow within me. There is no greater joy then knowing that The Lord and you are working in harmony to bring one of his elect to this earth. I am excited for the day when I feel that connection again.

Again I say that I know that her work was a short one and I know I did my part. In a way it's better this way. Ayla will never feel the pain of sin. Or the pain of watching people fall away. She is perfect in every sense of the word. I mentioned that I knew that her spirit was far stronger then mine is, so in a way I knew. I just never thought it would be this way. I just hold on to the gospel, hold onto it for dear life. If I let go of what I know then there would be no hope for me being happy again.

But the great thing is that I do continue to hold onto the gospel and I know that my child is rooting for me in heaven :) she'll be with me every step of the way and although I can't see the future I am positive that great blessings are around the corner. Lets just hope I can relax for a while :P

Thank you for reading this blogpost. I know this one in particular might be a hard one but every now and again I have low moments too. I just try to not get caught up in them for to long. Next post I promise will be happier!

I just want to leave you with this picture. Chris said this is how he imagines Ayla and I will be in the here after. So glad to be reunited again, just like after I had surgery. Those quiet moments that night were so precious to me because the way she looked at me and stroked my gown I knew that she truly missed me. That alone makes me smile <3

Valentines Day 2013

Today has been the best Valentines Day :) I have so many friends and family who love and care for me. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has and continues to be there for me! I am so blessed in my life <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
On a side note earlier this week I said it had been a month since Ayla passed. Today marks the official date. I really miss her and sad I didn't get to spend an official valentines day with her :(, I can only hope she knew how much I love her.