I'm going to tell you a story. The story of Ayla's last days. As said previously I won't share pictures but I want you all to know of my baby's strength. Here we go:
Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.
The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.
The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.
Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.
The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.
The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.
They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.
My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.
She is mine. Always will be.
Julie, this account has me in tears. You know that this has hit home for Josh and me, and you and your family have been in my thoughts almost constantly. Ayla is such a beautiful and precious soul. What a blessing that she's yours forever. Love you so.
ReplyDeleteJulie it is so hard to read this. As a mother I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. We hope to be there on Saturday for the final goodbye. We love you
ReplyDeleteOh. Julie. What a special precious angel you had in your presence. My heart weeps for your (and your families) loss of her. I cannot imagine the heartbreak, the stress and frustration you have gone through during this last month. It is so difficult to know exactly what is going on when such a small person cannot verbally communicate with us.
ReplyDeleteI have two little ones, and that first year is so difficult getting to figure them out if they are distressed in any way. And it seems hard for doctors to take the "over reactive new mom" more seriously (I say that, because I have been "that mom" - I've been to the ER with my little one with a very high fever. Nobody was going to stop me with a "wait and see"!)
Please do not let looking back on things as they happened and question your ability as a parent. It is so unfortunate and unfair that this ended up happening to you. It could be any of us. I wish I had better words for you in this time of grief. Just know that prayers of peace and comfort are being sent out to you across the miles. And little Ayla is now able to be with you in a different way, always there, always safe, deep in your heart.
{{{Hugs}}}