It's been an interesting week this week. Most of it Ayla and I have spent in the hospital; no worries though, Ayla is fine it was just me. Sunday I wasn't feeling to great but I thought nothing of it, I'm a new mom and we're suppose to feel run down right? Apparently not :P All day Ayla was getting upset and not feeding properly on one side so church was a challange.
I got home, fed her, then put her down for a much needed nap (with grandpa's help of course) and I also decided to take a nap. It was wonderful and both of us felt rested after but again she wouldn't feed on the one side and after waking up I realized that something was not right. I tried to express some milk for her and barely anything was coming out. I talked to my mom and told her of my concerns. Ayla was not happy and not getting the amount of food she needed. I was extremely cold (It was 27 degrees out) but I insisted that no, I was not running a fever I was just cold. I was wrong. Things got worse and my mom took me to emergency because we thought I had a possible case of mastitis.
Turns out I was running a fever. A very high one. Normal is 37 and I was at 39 as well as my heart rate was way up so they hooked me up to antibiotics and fluid. It didn't help. So they decided to keep me over night to bring everything down. Luckily they let Ayla stay with me as long as someone helped me look after her, which my mom willingly did. Things didn't improve on Monday and by Tuesday morning I couldn't express anything. I was in so much pain that even the nurse knew that this was more then they thought. So they booked an ultrasound at the Lethbridge hospital to see exactly what was going on. I was so tired of hospitals, being hooked to an IV, and nnot being able to properly care for my child. There was nothing I could do about it but I felt helpless.
I was told that if there was puss in there all they would need to do was stick a needle in and drain it then I would come back to Raymond. Well it was more complex then that. The ultrasound revealed not just one pocket of puss but many of them, indicating that this was not an easy fix. I was told that the surgeons would be meeting with me shortly to discuss whether they felt surgery was needed. Let me repeat that, surgery. I was put in a small room in the trauma unit to wait and after meeting with them they told me that indeed, I did need surgery. Seriously? I have been through so much the past three weeks and now I was going to surgery within the next hour and a half? I could've cried.
They got me in pretty quick and after a very quick goodbye to my mom and Ayla they took me away. An hour and a half later I woke up with a huge bandage on me and different clothes (that kinda shook me up seeing as I couldn't remember a thing :P). But I was finally reunited with Ayla and the staff was nice enough to move me to a room where I could keep Ayla with me. I was no longer in pain and finally I could cuddle my baby. The few moments after surgery where I just held her were so nice. I know it was only a few hours but I missed her so much and being able to finally hold her without causing pain was wonderful.
I stayed for a couple more days and recieved so much help from friends and my parents. I'm finally home and although it's tough and I can't feed or pump on that side for a month I am so grateful that the staff at both hospitals were so quick to find out what was wrong and fix it. My parents were great too, I wouldn't have got through this without their help. Ayla was wonderful though, the whole time we were in the hospital she was an almost perfect child, only cried when she was hungry and made me laugh (mostly with her explosions) when I was feeling down.
I love Ayla so much. Who knew that motherhood would be this rewarding? :)
9.29.2012
9.21.2012
Ayla's Story
So Ayla's journey into the world was a bit of a longer one but I'm sure it was an interesting one for her never the less. And it was a neat experience for me as well. It's something that people can tell you about but until you have a child you really don't know what to expect. To be honest I didn't think I would be able to do it. But I did and now there's a beautiful baby in my life :)
My labor started on the 30th of August (the Thursday before), I had been having braxton and hicks for months so for all of Thursday I didn't think much of the constant contracting. But this time they were coming regularly, so I kept an eye on them and timed them. They varied from half an hour apart to two hours. At this point they weren't to painful.
I continued all of Thursday night so I thought for sure I would have her Friday. Nope. They continued to be about half an hour apart. By Friday night however they were more painful and got to be about eight minutes apart but again I just kept an eye on it. Eric timed them on my mom's iPad for me. At this point I was doing everything to make the labor progress. Including taking all the herbs I could and bouncing on the rebounder.
Again I didn't sleep on Friday night but the labor was still sparatic. So for the third day in a row I was sitting at home waiting around. But they got more intense and by Saturday night I was in pain. Back labor had started and anyone who had back labor knows that it is probably the worst kind of pain you can experience in labor (almost). They were eight minutes apart but I decided to go to bed.
They continued all night and about five in the morning on Sunday I called Arles and he came over to wait until they were five minutes apart. They finally were at about ten so we all headed to the hospital, where they sent me home because I wasn't dialated enough. We went home and I rested for a while (my contractions were still every five minutes). By dinner they were really hurting so we went to the hospital. They sent me home. Again. They asked if I wanted morphine (seriously???)
I went home frustrated and in pain. I probably cried for most of the evening and by eleven I was in such pain that I really thought I wouldn't make it through this. I had been in 'false' labor for days and was still at home. I went to bed and attempted to sleep between contractions. It didn't work. My mom so willingly helped me through each one, I really couldn't imagine what was going through her head. I was not in a good place at that time. Finally at three I was drained and hadn't even started the real labor yet! I called Arles again and we met him at the hospital. This time I could barely walk. Never had I felt such pain and there was that fear that they would send me home again. I felt that if they did I would have the baby at home (not true but still, I was not exactly rational at this time). But after checking me they found I was four centimeters!!!!!
That's where the hospital labor began. I ordered an epidural as soon as I was admitted and was high on a cloud. I was laughing and feeling like myself again :) I love the epidural. We were all finally able to rest a bit. Arles continuously was making me laugh though. We were pretty excited that we were finally going to meet our baby.
I stayed at four for a while but I didn't mind, I was just enjoying the whole experience. I also enjoyed being able to watch the contraction monitor go way up and then level off. I couldn't feel a thing :). Once I hit five though I had the urge to push. People can tell you that your body knows what to do but until you experience it, you don't really know. So for about an hour I fought the urge to push. That was probably one of the worst parts. I needed to push. Everything in my body told me to push. And I had to fight it.
But when the nurse checked me again I was nine centimeters. One more then I would be on the home stretch. Once she told me I could push I was so relieved that I went right to it. My mom was on one side and Arles was on the other. I went into my zone and fought with everything I had. To this day I still don't know where my strength came from. They told me that the pushing could last up to two hours...I wasn't going to do that. I closed my eyes and blocked everything out. All I said in that forty five mintues was "ok" then nod at my mom and Arles indicating that I was going to push.
It was so amazing and I was so amazed that I had that kind of will power to do it. I was so close and all I had wanted for nine months was to see my beautiful baby. I was so close. With every contraction I felt more and more ready to bring a new life into the world. Finally I heard Arles exclaim that he could see her. Never had I felt such a need to do what my body wanted me to do. I gave it everything I had and finally Doctor Coma pulled her out. This little tiny being was there. I couldn't say anything, I was in such shock that when asked if I wanted to hold her I just stared blankly at the nurse. But my mom answered for me and said yes.
The outpouring of emotion was amazing. Here was this child that I am now responsible for. Arles and I created her. She was finally here. There was so much running through my head. Every day I look at her and am in awe over how perfect she is. I love being a mom. I love that through the entire process my family and Arles and countless others were so willing to help me. I can finally say that I understand unconditional love. I love my little girl :)
My labor started on the 30th of August (the Thursday before), I had been having braxton and hicks for months so for all of Thursday I didn't think much of the constant contracting. But this time they were coming regularly, so I kept an eye on them and timed them. They varied from half an hour apart to two hours. At this point they weren't to painful.
I continued all of Thursday night so I thought for sure I would have her Friday. Nope. They continued to be about half an hour apart. By Friday night however they were more painful and got to be about eight minutes apart but again I just kept an eye on it. Eric timed them on my mom's iPad for me. At this point I was doing everything to make the labor progress. Including taking all the herbs I could and bouncing on the rebounder.
Again I didn't sleep on Friday night but the labor was still sparatic. So for the third day in a row I was sitting at home waiting around. But they got more intense and by Saturday night I was in pain. Back labor had started and anyone who had back labor knows that it is probably the worst kind of pain you can experience in labor (almost). They were eight minutes apart but I decided to go to bed.
They continued all night and about five in the morning on Sunday I called Arles and he came over to wait until they were five minutes apart. They finally were at about ten so we all headed to the hospital, where they sent me home because I wasn't dialated enough. We went home and I rested for a while (my contractions were still every five minutes). By dinner they were really hurting so we went to the hospital. They sent me home. Again. They asked if I wanted morphine (seriously???)
I went home frustrated and in pain. I probably cried for most of the evening and by eleven I was in such pain that I really thought I wouldn't make it through this. I had been in 'false' labor for days and was still at home. I went to bed and attempted to sleep between contractions. It didn't work. My mom so willingly helped me through each one, I really couldn't imagine what was going through her head. I was not in a good place at that time. Finally at three I was drained and hadn't even started the real labor yet! I called Arles again and we met him at the hospital. This time I could barely walk. Never had I felt such pain and there was that fear that they would send me home again. I felt that if they did I would have the baby at home (not true but still, I was not exactly rational at this time). But after checking me they found I was four centimeters!!!!!
That's where the hospital labor began. I ordered an epidural as soon as I was admitted and was high on a cloud. I was laughing and feeling like myself again :) I love the epidural. We were all finally able to rest a bit. Arles continuously was making me laugh though. We were pretty excited that we were finally going to meet our baby.
I stayed at four for a while but I didn't mind, I was just enjoying the whole experience. I also enjoyed being able to watch the contraction monitor go way up and then level off. I couldn't feel a thing :). Once I hit five though I had the urge to push. People can tell you that your body knows what to do but until you experience it, you don't really know. So for about an hour I fought the urge to push. That was probably one of the worst parts. I needed to push. Everything in my body told me to push. And I had to fight it.
But when the nurse checked me again I was nine centimeters. One more then I would be on the home stretch. Once she told me I could push I was so relieved that I went right to it. My mom was on one side and Arles was on the other. I went into my zone and fought with everything I had. To this day I still don't know where my strength came from. They told me that the pushing could last up to two hours...I wasn't going to do that. I closed my eyes and blocked everything out. All I said in that forty five mintues was "ok" then nod at my mom and Arles indicating that I was going to push.
It was so amazing and I was so amazed that I had that kind of will power to do it. I was so close and all I had wanted for nine months was to see my beautiful baby. I was so close. With every contraction I felt more and more ready to bring a new life into the world. Finally I heard Arles exclaim that he could see her. Never had I felt such a need to do what my body wanted me to do. I gave it everything I had and finally Doctor Coma pulled her out. This little tiny being was there. I couldn't say anything, I was in such shock that when asked if I wanted to hold her I just stared blankly at the nurse. But my mom answered for me and said yes.
The outpouring of emotion was amazing. Here was this child that I am now responsible for. Arles and I created her. She was finally here. There was so much running through my head. Every day I look at her and am in awe over how perfect she is. I love being a mom. I love that through the entire process my family and Arles and countless others were so willing to help me. I can finally say that I understand unconditional love. I love my little girl :)
9.06.2012
8.14.2012
I Really Don't Want to Write This
I don't know how to write this post. For most it'll come as a shock, or maybe people have caught on I'm not sure. This has always been my journal in a way so I have the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well it's probably the hardest post I've composed thus far so I'm going to just come out and say it...Arles and I are not together. *Shutters* even writing that is hard.
We've been growing apart for some time now and it pains me to know how happy we once were. But people change and those changes causes two people to go in seperate directions. I'm not here to be bitter and angry or even rave on how it's not my fault. Deciding to get married involves two people and so divorce also involves two people. I made my mistakes and he made his.
I know people are probably thinking "I told you so" but no one truly understands the experiences that brought us together just how no one will truly know what drove us apart. Judge if you must but I know that it was right a year ago. Numerous blessings have told me that, however it's not right anymore and although it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion myself, I did reach it.
I will never pretend this never happened (not that I can, we have a child together) but my only wish is that I can raise my daughter in such a way that she will know that mom and dad did love each other and we both love her very much. Arles will always be her father and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Do you know what the hardest part of all this is? Feeling like a failure. This is not how things are suppose to go. This is not how I wanted to raise a child. I look around me at all the happy couples and I admit I sometimes get extremely sad and have to leave a wedding (which I did...sorry Meg!), or church, or even pull myself together at a bridal shower because I know what we had and know the special experiences couples experience and knowing that I once had those things and now I don't is extremely sad. I'm not angry, for the sake of my daughter I will never allow myself to get that way. I've seen the effects of anger and have found it solves nothing.
With all that said I know where my focus is now. It's on me and the baby. As it should be. It's not her fault that we split and I will never speak ill of Arles. Never. Like I said she came from two people who did love each other and to a certain extent we always will. I wish the best for him and all I want is him to be happy. However I would ask a favor...please pray for me, I'm having a hard time. I need to be able to deliver this baby and I can't if I'm stressing about my personal life. Anyways like I said it's just me and her now. And I really can't wait to meet her.
So there you have it, who I've been so silent in the blog world the past little while. I know that things will get easier with time but right now I would perfer if you have any questions to just ask me personally. I may be hurting but I can talk about it.
We've been growing apart for some time now and it pains me to know how happy we once were. But people change and those changes causes two people to go in seperate directions. I'm not here to be bitter and angry or even rave on how it's not my fault. Deciding to get married involves two people and so divorce also involves two people. I made my mistakes and he made his.
I know people are probably thinking "I told you so" but no one truly understands the experiences that brought us together just how no one will truly know what drove us apart. Judge if you must but I know that it was right a year ago. Numerous blessings have told me that, however it's not right anymore and although it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion myself, I did reach it.
I will never pretend this never happened (not that I can, we have a child together) but my only wish is that I can raise my daughter in such a way that she will know that mom and dad did love each other and we both love her very much. Arles will always be her father and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Do you know what the hardest part of all this is? Feeling like a failure. This is not how things are suppose to go. This is not how I wanted to raise a child. I look around me at all the happy couples and I admit I sometimes get extremely sad and have to leave a wedding (which I did...sorry Meg!), or church, or even pull myself together at a bridal shower because I know what we had and know the special experiences couples experience and knowing that I once had those things and now I don't is extremely sad. I'm not angry, for the sake of my daughter I will never allow myself to get that way. I've seen the effects of anger and have found it solves nothing.
With all that said I know where my focus is now. It's on me and the baby. As it should be. It's not her fault that we split and I will never speak ill of Arles. Never. Like I said she came from two people who did love each other and to a certain extent we always will. I wish the best for him and all I want is him to be happy. However I would ask a favor...please pray for me, I'm having a hard time. I need to be able to deliver this baby and I can't if I'm stressing about my personal life. Anyways like I said it's just me and her now. And I really can't wait to meet her.
So there you have it, who I've been so silent in the blog world the past little while. I know that things will get easier with time but right now I would perfer if you have any questions to just ask me personally. I may be hurting but I can talk about it.
8.07.2012
Letter to Baby Girl
I've been meaning to do this for a while but being Julie I haven't yet :P A part of me is nervous to be speaking to a child. My child mind you. But I know that in the future I'll look back on this and be grateful I did. So here it goes;
You already have been a great strength to me. I love feeling you move inside me and know that you are very much there. In times when I'm sad or upset I love that I can just reach down and feel you. I love you so much and can't wait to hold you in my arms. It's strange to think your dad and I created you. This tiny little person sent from heaven specifically for us. I can't tell you the overwelming feeling of responsibility I feel knowing that God has put you here for me to raise you. It's a pretty hefty job but like I said I'll try my best.
PS: Love this song
Dear Baby Girl,
Being your only a few weeks away from coming into this world I thought I should write to you. It seems so strange to be writting as a mother...I don't know how to even begin. Well I guess I'll begin by saying that your dad and I love you so much (always remember that, life will be rough and there will be times when you don't think we do). We're excited to see your little face and for you to join this world. But we're scared too. No one writes a book on how to be the perfect mother, and to be honest I have very little idea what I'm doing. I'm only twenty one :P I take this job very seriously and want you to know that I have and will always try my best. But don't blame me for mistakes I may make.
You already have been a great strength to me. I love feeling you move inside me and know that you are very much there. In times when I'm sad or upset I love that I can just reach down and feel you. I love you so much and can't wait to hold you in my arms. It's strange to think your dad and I created you. This tiny little person sent from heaven specifically for us. I can't tell you the overwelming feeling of responsibility I feel knowing that God has put you here for me to raise you. It's a pretty hefty job but like I said I'll try my best.
I hope to always teach you that the biggest goal in life is the temple. I have found so much strength and power from attending the temple and I hope you will too. Even from the begining I have always felt closest to you inside that beautiful house. That's where you want to be my little one. I hope to not only tell you this often but show you through my actions.
You have many people who already love you. Uncle Eric likes to feel my belly (you?? I don't know what's my space anymore. You are in my body right now so he's trying to feel you but it's through me). Uncle Chris tried to give you Teddy Grahams the other day. You kick them off my belly. Grandma and Grandpa O'Brien like to watch you move too. Grandma can't wait to show you fireworks...you didn't really like them before you were born...dad's games made you jump as well :P. Dad is about the only one who can calm you down. You respond to his touch in way that you don't respond to me. He loves you baby girl and loves to read stories to you :). You have family in BC who also love you very much. They're pretty excited to meet you. You'll be loved by everyone.
Now for more advice. Be strong; this world is a scary one and there are people here and on the other side who will try to lead you astray. They will do anything to have you, try any means to make you fail on this journey, but I have felt of your sprit and know that you are far stronger then I am. There may be people wanting you to fail but there are far more wanting you to succeed :) You can do it. I know you can. Just remember that God is always here for all of us, he will never abandon you.
I don't really know what else to tell you right now but I'm sure as we get older I'll have much more to say to you :P. Much of it will probably be ignored but that's ok. I'll still say it anyway. I can't wait to see you! I bought some starter up shoes for you, so no worries about that :P You'll love them. Anyway there's my letter to you. Hope to see you within the next two weeks(!!)
Love,
Mom
Lyrics:
Sent to this earth
You were saved through the ages
for this day and time
Child of great worth
Child of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were held in a circle
and you were blessed
Chorus:
And the Father looked down
And the angels surrounded that place
They knew the truth, all that you could do
And you will, too, if you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
Dressed in white once more
Making promises to follow in God's way
So much lies in store
For the little girl who enters at the gate
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were led into the water and you were blessed
Repeat Chorus
Do you understand who you are
Part of the Father lives in you
If you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true
Heaven on earth
In the house of God, so much fills your heart
and mind
Woman of great worth
Woman of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a long, white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed
And the Father looks down
And the angels surround that place
They know the truth, all that you can do
And you do, too, 'cause you have eyes to see
what heaven sees in you
Will you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
*This song is by Mindy Gledhill
Sent to this earth
You were saved through the ages
for this day and time
Child of great worth
Child of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were held in a circle
and you were blessed
Chorus:
And the Father looked down
And the angels surrounded that place
They knew the truth, all that you could do
And you will, too, if you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
Dressed in white once more
Making promises to follow in God's way
So much lies in store
For the little girl who enters at the gate
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were led into the water and you were blessed
Repeat Chorus
Do you understand who you are
Part of the Father lives in you
If you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true
Heaven on earth
In the house of God, so much fills your heart
and mind
Woman of great worth
Woman of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a long, white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed
And the Father looks down
And the angels surround that place
They know the truth, all that you can do
And you do, too, 'cause you have eyes to see
what heaven sees in you
Will you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
*This song is by Mindy Gledhill
8.02.2012
The Temple
Recently I had a friend ask me what I loved about going through the temple. And with all the weddings that have been going on its hard not to reflect on that beautiful house. For those who haven’t gone through it is almost foreign, those who do go through rarely talk about what goes on in there and it feels almost secretive in a way. I remember having that feeling about a year ago. Granted most people didn’t obsess about it as much as I did but people are still curious. Back to the question :P It’s hard to pinpoint just one or even two things I love about it. I have always loved visiting the grounds and I hope that I can instill that same love to my children. There’s power in even just sitting on the grounds. They are so cleanly kept and maintained so no matter what season it is they always look beautiful. So I guess the first thing I love is the grounds. I love the feeling you receive upon entering, the peace and relief is wonderful. I have felt it many times. The past few months I admit I lost sight of that. The temple wasn’t giving me as much joy as I thought it ought to but as I entered with a different attitude this time I felt that peace once again, a peace that I haven’t felt in almost seven months now. Sure I was going every couple weeks but I wasn’t allowing my burdens to be lifted. Turing things over to the Lord is difficult for me especially when I don’t know his plans for me. This past time I did, and honestly I felt…happy. I love the promises given inside. Sure they go both ways but if you listen there are some very powerful things said. It’s in the tough times that you really listen and reflect on the words as well as the feelings. It’s in those moments that you realize that yes you are taking on some hefty promises but the rewards are far sweeter then you can imagine. I try to focus on one thing every time so things don’t get too overwhelming and it’s amazing how much I learn. Over the past few months (and really from the beginning) I have felt the presence of my unborn child. It sounds strange but the strength I receive from her little spirit is amazing. I feel closest to her in the temple and quite honestly she loves it in there :) When I get to the end of the endowment she is literally trying to escape. It’s quite interesting. She’s not the only one I feel for there are countless others, but the love I feel from all of them is amazing. You don’t realize it but we are constantly being watched over, I just feel closer to them there. I could go on and on but those are some of the things I love. Each experience is different and everyone is different. That’s the beauty of it I suppose, it’s personal. And I will never let myself become complacent. I have and always will love the temple. Nothing will ever prevent me from not having that temple recommend in my hand. Any trials that come my way and whatever the future holds for me I know that if I continue to do this for me and my daughter that we will both be strong. I can’t wait for the day when I can take her through and I hope that I will have the strength to teach her of how important the temple is.
7.15.2012
Baby Girl
Wow it's been a loooong time. Sorry about that. Ive been busy with work and other such things. Since I don't know where to start I'll just talk about how pregnancy has been treating me or rather the things that people can tell you but you don't get until after life is inside you:
~Hormones really are the worst, I cry at least once a day and really it's getting old
~At the begining the baby feels like popcorn, just tiny movements and it's one of the best feelings in the world
~Now I feel kicks. Tons. She (oh yeah I'm having a girl) likes to kick me in the ribs, the side, the other side and now she sticks her head way up into my ribs.
~I think she has bruised my side.
~ Sleeping is becoming more challanging.
~Setting up the baby room is the best :)
~The amount of love you feel when you can sit on the couch and watch your belly move is amazing.
~Shoes really are the best (Chris feels baby doesn't need winter boots since she won't be walking in snow that's only an inch deep...I beg to differ :P)
~My belly really does look like I stuffed a basketball up there, from the back I don't even look pregnant.
~There comes a point where you need to pee all the time.
~Due to my first point I worry about becoming a mother and have break downs about it.
~Work is a pain.
~Sometimes I do toot because it takes lots of momentum to get up then I laugh so hard I toot again...lovely.
~I'm scared to death right now...but I know it will all be ok. She has been my strength and I know once she gets here she'll love me and give me comfort through the hard stuff.
That's all for now! I'll try to keep you all updated more in the next seven(!) weeks :)
~Hormones really are the worst, I cry at least once a day and really it's getting old
~At the begining the baby feels like popcorn, just tiny movements and it's one of the best feelings in the world
~Now I feel kicks. Tons. She (oh yeah I'm having a girl) likes to kick me in the ribs, the side, the other side and now she sticks her head way up into my ribs.
~I think she has bruised my side.
~ Sleeping is becoming more challanging.
~Setting up the baby room is the best :)
~The amount of love you feel when you can sit on the couch and watch your belly move is amazing.
~Shoes really are the best (Chris feels baby doesn't need winter boots since she won't be walking in snow that's only an inch deep...I beg to differ :P)
~My belly really does look like I stuffed a basketball up there, from the back I don't even look pregnant.
~There comes a point where you need to pee all the time.
~Due to my first point I worry about becoming a mother and have break downs about it.
~Work is a pain.
~Sometimes I do toot because it takes lots of momentum to get up then I laugh so hard I toot again...lovely.
~I'm scared to death right now...but I know it will all be ok. She has been my strength and I know once she gets here she'll love me and give me comfort through the hard stuff.
That's all for now! I'll try to keep you all updated more in the next seven(!) weeks :)
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