Because of Him

Yesterday I went to the movie called Heaven Is For Real and it being Easter I wanted to write a little on my beliefs on The Atonement, death, and the afterlife. Not everyone shares these beliefs but they are very close to my heart and I believe whole heartedly in them.  

In the movie there's this child who has a near death experience, he goes to heaven but comes back and tells everyone about it. It was amazing and hit close to home as you can imagine. It amazed me how people who claim to preach and believe in heaven and hell had a hard time believing his story. He told so many beautiful and amazing things that are not to far off of what we read about in the scriptures. 

One of the most touching points was the hospital scene. It showed his mother calling others to pray and his father praying and yelling at God asking him not to take his child. I have been there. Shortly after Ayla arrived at the hospital in Calgary I experienced both of those sides. 

I walked into the parent room and had to make a couple of devastating phone calls explaining that my sweet baby girl was dying. I was trying to be hopeful but I knew deep down. I knew when I stepped foot in that ambulance that that would be my last ride with Ayla. I prayed the whole way, I begged for Ayla not to be taken. I don't know if Ayla was completely in her body like the little boy in the movie. I know that she knew what was happening  and she understood more then me what was going to happen. 

I sometimes wish she could've talked and told me of her experience. I'm sure there were so many angels singing to her too. I also know that she knew my pain. She knew. And she still does. 

At one point in the movie Colton (the little boy) talks about seeing not only his great grandfather but his sister, who up until that point he had no idea existed. He says that his sister came and gave him a big hug and she wouldn't let go. Not only does this experience tell me that even miscarried children are ours but those who die before us still care. 

There's one though who cared enough to die so that we can live. He is the reason we celebrate Easter. Jesus walked into the garden alone and bled from every pore, feeling every pain that we each individually feel. There were times where I have yelled at God asking him why he let me watch Ayla die and I couldn't do anything. I sobbed and felt like he couldn't possibly know what it was like to be the helpless parent who would gladly give their own life so that the child would have one. 

As I was praying I got a voice telling me that yes, he understood because he watched Christ bleed and die so that the rest of his children could live. He understands perfectly. And unlike me he could have stopped it, but again, he knew that in order to save me, he had to give up his son.

I can never thank him enough, Jesus felt my pain, your pain, and even little Ayla's pain. And because he rose again he gives that same opportunity to us. We will all live again. And my sweet Ayla and I will finally be able to embrace and cry together. 

So this Easter Sunday I am grateful for the belief and knowledge I have that even if a veil seperates us, all of our dead ancestors and friends still live on. And because Jesus loves us so much he was willing to die so we can all eventually live again.  

Onward

At the beginning of the year I made a goal to move forward and true to that goal I have been. I'm realizing that instead of sitting back and letting life happen to me, I'm going to make it happen. The past few years I've sat back and let circumstances rule my life, and granted I didn't have much choice, but this year I have no obligations so why not do things I've always wanted to do? It's often when you are keeping yourself busy that The Lord blesses you. 

With that in mind I decided to go back and take the last course for my level two and I got accepted! As of May 7th I am registered at the college and at the end of the summer I will be finished. I'm excited to finally be done and accomplish one of my goals. 

I also applied to be an EFY counsellor, I don't know yet if I can get the time off and I am doubting it at this point but at least I applied :). I loved being a participant for five years and have always thought it would be fun to be a counsellor. Plus this will probably be Chris' last year. So I have to go #obviously. 

Another thing I'm excited for is going with Megan and the boys on a trip :). I'm so happy that even though I don't have my own child to take on trips, Megan lets me borrow her kiddos. It'll be a good time. And I'm excited to spend some time with her. Megan has helped me in ways she'll never know and I'll never be able to fully thank her for it. I love her. And how she's supported me through the past couple years. 

I love that I'm finally moving forward, looking back and seeing the progress I've made has been remarkable. I'm exactly where I should be and I'm happy at how much healing has taken place. I am such a different person then I was. It's great. 

 Life is wonderful, and I'm happy with where it's taking me :)

I Am Needed

My roommate Rebecca sent me a link to this cute blog post about a mother who talks about how now that she's a mom, she is always needed. She has a responsibility to her children and loves it. She entitled it "Somebody Needs Me". 

Often I get stuck in the rut that no one needs me, that instead of me giving kisses on an owie, or a constant yanking on my pant leg I have...well nothing. No one needs me in the way I dreamed of wanting to be needed. I got a taste of it then just as quick as I got that opportunity it was gone and I was left with an empty space in my heart. It amazes me how much I still ache for a child I knew for only four months (thirteen if you count the nine while I was pregnant). 

People move on and forget, take my doctor, I saw him for the first time in a year and he asked how motherhood was treating me. I had to kindly remind him that she died over a year ago. He felt terrible but that's beside the point. I just realized that people move forward in their lives. And I will forever have a missing piece. It's daunting how I have to live the rest of my life with her missing from it. I guess you just take it day by day. And don't get me wrong I'm not a wreck most of the time, very rarely actually but I have days and I'm greatful for the pain, because it proves how much love I still have for her. And that she really existed. 

Now back to the point I made at the beginning; that no one needs me. It's not entirely true because I have kids that depend on me everyday. The more I think about it the more I realize that the work I do is important, and I am a huge part of these children's day. Monday through Friday. I have days where I just want some space but lately I just am grateful that I have some kids that know that although teacher Julie may come off as grumpy all she needs is to know that they care for me just as much as I care for them, that because I don't have a child anymore these kids have become a way for me to feel like I'm a mom when that's not possible in the way I hoped two years ago. 

So I guess the point is no, I'm not needed all the time. I am needed from when I start my shift to when it ends. And for now, that's okay :)

A List Kind of Day

It's been a while since I've blogged! I have been trying to rack my brain trying to find something significant to blog about, but I can't find the words...so a list will do :)

:: My YSA ward is gone now, they disbanded the ward then split us between two wards and so I'm returning to my old YSA ward, it's a tough one 

:: Patricia and I had a girls night last week and stayed up until 5:30 in the morning, I'm getting too old for that. But at least I made new friends :)

:: A child said "la lou (love you)" the other day and blew me kisses all the way down the hall, I love my kiddos

:: For Rebecca's birthday we lit some lanterns, like the ones from tangled, and watched them float away. It was sweet

:: I have decided to accept life as it us, and I've found I've been much happier since

:: I applied to school to finish up one course, I'm excited about it :)

:: Eric got some results back saying he can serve a full time mission, then he sent me the sweetest text

:: I'm going on a vacation with my friend Megan and her boys this June, it's going to be fun!

:: Ayla is still a big part of my life and I love it, there's not a day that I don't think about her. 

Someday

I've said this so many times but children are my friends. It doesn't matter how much I see them or what age, all of them have touched me in one way or another. Today I sat and watched as a little friend had a funeral. He joined my baby girl in heaven last week. No explanation or reason why. He just peacefully left this world. 

I am grateful that I had time to process that Ayla was leaving. I am also grateful that although I never wanted to understand this kind of pain, I do so I can hopefully help someone else. I get it. I understand a mourning mothers pain and I hope that in some way I can help those in similar circumstances. 

My heart breaks for my little friend's family. Over and over. I don't get why he left, and probably never will, but I hope they find the support that's needed to pick themselves up and live. 

Someday all of us moms of angel children will hold them again and then we will truly understand the unconditional  love that those children have for us. 

Someday 

Dear Ayla; On Your Angel Day

Dear Ayla, 

Well it's been a while, a year to be exact since I last snuggled you. I can't believe it Ayla. This year has flown by and I don't know how. I've been told the first year is the hardest, you're dealing with a year of firsts without your loved one, and for the most part I'm okay. There are days where I am sad, which is normal I'd say :P but the tears don't flow as often. It was hard re-living those painful memories again. You can't really put any expectations on how it'll actually turn out emotion wise, but I have been going with the flow and letting the tears flow as they need too. There's no point to keeping my emotions bottled up. It doesn't help.

New Year's Eve was a tough one for me. I went to the YSA dance and was having a good time. When it was midnight I teared up but nothing major...until I got home. I cried and cried and cried. I'm pretty sure I haven't cried that much in months. I remembered where I was last New Year's Eve and broke. All the emotions came flooding back and I just couldn't stop. I was lucky that I have such great friends. Even though it was two in the morning Patricia stayed up with me, and two friends came to give me a blessing. All of them stayed with me until I was calm enough to sleep, which turned out to be four...I'm lucky that people care!

 I am so grateful for the people I have in my life. I'm sure you were right there too, telling me that even if I can't see you, it doesn't mean you're not there. This experience also made me realize that sometimes I put on too much of a mask. I don't like to cry, and most importantly I don't let other people see me cry. But I'm human just like the rest of the world. And sometimes my mask drops and people get to see me, the real me. It's a unique opportunity.

Even at work I've had a bit of a rough time. Last Tuesday I sat in my classroom just after nap and realized how much I wish you were here with all my friends (yes the one year olds are my friends...they are pretty fabulous), then a little girl from a different classroom came in. She gave me the strangest look then plopped on my lap until nap was over, later on she gave me the same look. Again she sat on my lap, when I asked her if she wanted to play she shook her head, I then asked if she just wanted to cuddle for a bit and she nodded. She probably sat with me for about an hour that day. 

It's exactly what I needed that day! I love how children can sense the emotions going on in my head when no one else can. That silly little girl almost made me cry. But I think she just cares, and I care about her :)

YSA has been treating me well. I feel like I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and I'm glad. I still feel a little out of place but I believe that I will never truly belong. I have some experiences that set me apart from everyone else there. And that's okay. I think that people need to hear them, even if it's uncomfortable. I am still finding that medium between sharing my story and sitting back while others share theirs, but if I feel the need to say something, I do.

 I wish that people would be a little less awkward about you though. I am slowly trying to get people to understand that bringing up you and my past marriage will not shatter me. A year ago I was pretty shaken up, I had so many walls up and very few people could reach me. I've learned a few things about myself and my relationship with The Lord since then. And am stronger for it. All of my past is an important part of who I am. And always will be. When it comes to you I love sharing. I'm sure I sometimes talk a little too much about you, but as I said, you're part of my past, present, and future. No matter what things come my way you'll always be important to me. 

I have finally reached the point where I am happy with where I'm at. A couple months ago I was so desperate for life to move forward in the way I wanted and when it wasn't going according to my timeline that I was getting frustrated. But I am finally being happy with me. My life is so good. Yes I wish things would have turned out different, and this is not the life I planned but it's what I got. And I've accepted it. It's a daily struggle as I'm sure you know, but I try.

I had an experience just after Christmas, I met a wonderful girl who has hit some of the same challenges as I dealt with about two years ago (has it really been that long since this all started? Crazy). Meeting and talking with her made me realize how far I've come. I remember asking myself if life would ever get better. If I could ever be happy again. Then I lost you too...but you know what? I'm okay! I hope that the sweet friend I met can look at my other friend and I, and see that it does get better, and the pain that seems unbearable now will eventually dull. It just takes time. 

Sometimes I believe we have experiences to help others. That's what I intend to do. And you'll be there to give spiritual support. As you always have. 

As I look back on the last year I'll be honest, I'm surprised at how I've grown. I have more confidence in myself and in my judgment. I know that I am a great person and deserve the very best in my life. I also know there are good people out there. I see the good in others but I'm more careful about certain things now. As I should be. 

I know that you are never far :) and it's through your death that I gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't remember the sacrifice that was made on my behalf. If it wasn't for Christ I would never hope to see you again. You were perfect, and I unfortunately have a long way to go before I reach your level. But I can with help :) it's such a wonderful concept. 

I love you miss Ayla. And I miss you terribly. But I'm learning to move forward, one step at a time. You're always near and I know that you'll be here when I need you to be. I'm your mother and your my daughter. I am so grateful that we're sealed for all time and eternity. And that I had the opportunity to have you in my life. You have brought nothing but blessings and understanding to me and I can never repay you for what you helped me to become. Someday I'll thank you in person but for now this will have to do. 

Love always, 

Mom <3

My Shoes and I

So I feel as if my shoes and I would make a great couple. They have been through everything with me; high school with all that comes with that, moving out on my own, marriage, pregnancy, divorce, birth, child loss, and now re entering YSA. Through thick and thin they have been there and they always will be. So I came to the conclusion that no matter what comes my way, I will always have my shoes. 

Does that make me a strange person? Perhaps. But I'm okay with that :)