Ayla's Stocking: Illness Can Strike, But there is Hope

This last year has held so many changes in our home. Melissa is in University and moved away for the summer, gaining new independence when she came home, Kaylee is getting closer to graduating high school, and little Felix has started preschool leaving me with more time to reflect. Recently Felix has been asking more about death and often in his prayers either asks for a baby to play with, or asking why the doctors didn't save Ayla and even more heartbreaking; if they couldn't keep her alive, how can they keep him (who has a genetic condition that requires constant monitoring by a team of doctors) from also dying? My mama heart breaks every time my small child vocalizes the harsh realities that illness strikes anytime. 

The only thing I can think to say in these moments is that there were so many people who were there for me during that time. There were tender mercies that looking back I saw, and that even though my child didn't survive there are people that still work tirelessly to ensure not all children suffer that fate. As the holidays approach I am so grateful that Felix has already learned that collecting toys for Ayla's Stocking helps serve those who are sad. We got our first load already and he took out each toy and told me "this will make a little boy (girl) so happy" and that's exactly why I do this; for one singular moment I can make someone smile.

I know I can't help every child. I also can't prevent heartache as the families buckle under the weight of circumstances, what I can do is continue to take toys and gift cards year after year so that I can make sure someone feels loved and maybe even hopeful for the future. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year snd find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Take Me Back

I’ve been working through a lot lately and things that my body pushed down resurfaced in an ugly way. All I can think is take me back, I so wish I could turn back the clock to a time before now when I knew nothing of the ugly the world has to offer. 

Take me back to a time where I laughed until I cried, where my worries seemed so hard. Where I went to church and was able to take notes and had no idea why people would leave. I did what I was told, and was happy to do so. I had hurts and pains, but nothing major. I thought that by living life the way I was taught I’d always be happy. I was so free, so filled with joy. 

Take me back to moving out on your own, experiencing freedom and having to cook (or not..). Take me to pulling mattresses out to the tv room with roommates and watching movies, ordering a pizza to yourself and not gaining a pound. Help me remember to laugh as I thought  “I’m not getting married anytime soon! I’ll chop my hair!” And getting engaged two months later. 

Take me to a time where I liked a boy. He was charming and liked me too. Take me back before I realized not everyone has pure intent and some people prey on sweet innocent girls. Help me forget the night I said nothing and blocked it from my brain, 

Take me to the pure joy as I flirted with an equally charming boy. Take me to the laughter and the love we grew together. I so wanted to stay in that state forever. Sharing my feelings and introducing him to my family. The veil that opened for us and the without a doubt feeling this was right. Take me to the time where eternity started in the temple and our love blossomed into new life inside me. Back when I thought the world was only good. Please take me back to the instant before my life fell to pieces. 

Take me to a time where I could see angels. Where God made himself known to me and I felt the love from both sides of the veil. Life was hell but I never felt so close to God. Take me to the moment I held my baby girl and had no idea that I’d only keep her for a short time. 

Take me back to how elated I was as I found that someone could love me in my broken state. Take me to when I met my daughters and embraced them knowing that they would be mine too. Help them keep their innocence. Take me to a time where I felt good in my body and didn’t hate the larger reflection staring at me. 

Help me move past the moment my son came out with a blocked intestine. Help me understand why I can’t catch a break. Help me remember that God’s timing was perfect and little Felix got to spend so much time with Chris and the girls. Help me with peace to know that I'm not alone and that for every hard thing, so many good things have come. 

So here I am. Reminiscing about a time so long ago when I was just purely happy. I read old posts on this blog and try to remember what it was like to be free from my personal demons. I miss that girl. I know, I know, I’m better because of all the things from the last decade but as Melissa ventures out into the world I can’t help but be a bit sad that she too will experience more loss and pain. As if she and Kaylee haven’t been through enough. But as I sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep I am finally reminded that my life is so good. I have people who love me, I have three children here, and I have a husband who yes, is a little rough around the edges, but has a good heart. 

I hope to find that girl again one day and come back to a time where I don’t feel so depleted. I hope anyone else who feels like I do, can also find peace.

Thanks for reading as always. I selfishly do this for myself, but if it helps someone else then that’s great. 

Ayla Stocking: Remembering People Need People

Looking back at 2023 I realized I have not wrote since January! Life has been a blur and I can't believe Christmas season is upon us again. This year hits different, my brother recently got married and I am now seeing that all of us are moving into different seasons of life; my oldest is graduating high school, my middle is starting high school, and my youngest living child is almost four. As time passes I see more and more how we need connections through it all.

Although I do love being a mom it comes with its challenges. This year I have never felt more inadequate than I have in recent months, there are so many aspects that I don't feel like I am doing well in and it leaves me feeling alone. I not only have lost a child at such a young age, I gained two girls who are now teens and meanwhile I am trying to deal with toddler moments. It's a lot for anyone and for me I have cried many nights wondering if I have people who get it, people who can sit in the pain with me and actually understand all the aspects of my life. The short answer is that no, there isn't one person who completely gets it, but I do have a group of women who together, help in each individual parts.

In the hospital with Ayla I felt so cared for and encompassed with love. I'll say it again, that hospice room became a sacred space for me. There are three moments that I felt the veil lift. Two being bringing life into this world, and one watching it being taken. Through it all I had people in my corner. I can't help but think that not everyone is as lucky as I am. There are parents who are in the thick of it and likely like I did (and do) wonder if there is anyone out there who understands. It is a lonely feeling watching a child suffer and not one I wish on anyone. I know the pain, and although not ideal, that understanding helps me feel for people in similar situations to me. 

I am at the hospital frequently and I see the eyes of the parents as we walk through the halls, shells of a person desperately trying to hold it together. I also see other people reach out to complete strangers much like when Felix was born and I was sobbing in the common area and a wonderful woman hugged me. She told me that she was there a week ago and it may not seem like it right then, but I would come out stronger. Humanity exists even when it seems like it does not. 

I know there isn't much I can do to help, but delivering toys to the hospice can be for maybe one moment, a reminder that people care and that human connection is vital to our existence. As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I got this out late this year but I plan to deliver on December 13. There are so many ways to show love during this season, please take the opportunity to do so :). 

Merry Christmas <3

He Knows

 *Trigger warning: I discuss Ayla's death and if that is something that might be too difficult, skip this one and read some of my happier posts*

I remember every moment ten years ago from the time my baby projectile vomited on me. That small moment I knew something was wrong, I pushed it off as normal because as a new mom who hasn't been thrown up on? I worked in a daycare where this happens all the time, and yet, why was I feeling uneasy? A trip to the doctor confirmed that Ayla merely had the flu and it was fine. But it wasn't. She wasn't fine. I remember asking if her fussiness could be due to meningitis and the doctor told me that he didn't think so and I'm sure in his mind a new mom knew nothing and as the medical professional I believed him, 

I sat in the chair all night giving her medication as soon and the dosage intervals would allow but still she cried and cried. Looking desperately at me begging me to help her and my heart was breaking more and more with every tear coming out of her eyes. I was her mother and there was nothing that I could do. I prayed and prayed that night and finally the next day I decided that I needed to take her to emergency again. Without a look at her they told me to sit. There I held my baby who had stopped crying but had resorted to constant moan. The mom next to me said that if she was called before me she would allow me to go first. She knew. 

After who knows how long I finally heard her name. As I scooped up my child I saw that her face had changed. She looked sick. One glance at her and the nurse with panic in his voice asked "has she always looked like this?" To which I replied a short "no, this happened while in the waiting room". He knew. 

In the back they called every pediatric doctor they could. They told me they'd run every test they thought of and they all came back inconclusive. It was time to call Arles and go to Calgary Children's Hospital. My body was beginning to give out and I knew that I didn't get a blessing that I wouldn't be able to handle what came next. I called my mom sobbing telling her Ayla was dying. I just knew it. She called my Uncle and in the early hours of the morning he came. I saw it in his eyes the moment he lay eyes on her, He knew. 

Texts began pouring in telling me it would be okay. That we'd all be okay. They didn't understand, the moment I set foot in that ambulance, Ayla would never come home again. Children's ran tests and it came back with the fear I had all along. Bacterial meningitis. I saw the scan and I knew that her body was seizing over and over causing more and more brain damage, By that point both sides of Ayla's family were there and although it was tense we were there for her. The doctors tried to tell me that there was a chance but they knew. 

Day after day of watching her suffer was almost too much. I was numb and I didn't know why God after everything would take her too. Why was I at 22 watching my life fall to pieces and the only person who had kept me sane was being taken too.There were prayers offered and a few people came to see us but every time someone new came into that room, as with everyone thus far; they all knew. 

The hospice was Ayla's final stop. By this point we were all just waiting and yes we had faith but the peace came that this was the way it had to be. I wouldn't ever completely understand, but this was His will. Arles' and my family stuck by us supporting in the only ways they could. How do you support children who are losing their child while also suffering in your way? That I can't tell you but what I do know is that without them, we would have lost it. Three weeks we watched her deteriorate and by the end I was tired. I begged for Ayla to be taken because now she we just a spirit trapped in a shell of a body. I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any longer and I knew part of the reason she was staying was because even in her current form, she loved us, she didn't want to leave knowing that she was leaving behind so many people who's hearts were broken. She knew, she just couldn't accept it.

Finally after a gassy night due to to meal we had, we all were laughing. She knew we'd be okay and it was time to let go. The hospice went quiet for the night and in that solstice her breathing became more jagged, her heart began to slow and things felt different. I called the nurse and she confirmed it was time. I handed Ayla over to Arles so he could say his final goodbyes and it was in his arms she took her last breath. We all felt it and aside from the temple, I have never felt God more than I did as I watched her body give up her spirit. To this day every time to go to the hospice I still feel it. It was in the hours after where I held Ayla's body as it began to turn cold that I felt that God knew. 

He knew that he was sending Ayla to save me. He knew that my prayers of asking Him to protect her would be answered in this way. He knew that for years after the pain and grief would consume me. And He knew that doing this would cause me to question if He even cares. But, despite all this, through all the pain and agony I went through watching my child suffer and die, this was why He sent Jesus Christ to die for me. He knew we all need a Saviour not only to take on our sins, but the unimaginable pain we all go through too. So I guess He always knew what the outcome would be, but He also knew that with Him I would become the person I am today. He knew that I would be sent to a husband and two beautiful girls who have pain all their own. He knew that sending my little boy would heal my soul more than anyone else and the words from my almost three year old two weeks ago "Ayla loves you" would remind me that not only does He knew me, He knows what I need. 

I guess what I"m trying to say is that life is pretty awful sometimes and there are so many moments that I don't know if He truly knows me. But God does. And even though I question it sometimes, this is something I can't deny. 

He Knows

Ten Years of Ayla's Stocking!

Where has the time gone? I feel like the summer just ended and here we are in full fledged winter. I've seen Christmas lights up, parties being advertised and already every weekend in November is accounted for.  This year hits different for me, for the last two Christmas' covid has claimed so much joy and happiness so the thought of having a normal Christmas makes me feel like there is hope again. I am fully aware that things may never be 'normal' again, but I'll take what I get. 

This year marks ten Christmas' of collecting toys for the hospice. Ten years ago I had a newborn and now I continue to celebrate her in anyway I can. What started as something to help me get through the holidays has become my favorite part of Christmas. I am not the Julie that I was all those years ago. I have scars and also a family to share this with. For me, this was always the point, I wanted my kids to know that they had a beautiful sister who unfortunately can't reside earth-side with us, but none the less, she is part of the family. My little Felix frequently talks about baby Ayla in heaven and I"m so excited that he will be able to take part in this wonderful tradition. My two older ones are always excited to help me organize and pack the car. The first year we were married Kaylee and Melissa came with me, but since then, they haven't been able to set foot in the hospice. 

As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying there through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I'll be collecting until December 19th.  I'm always in awe over how wonderful you all are to me. Even if you can't donate, find a way to serve this year, we all need a little extra love <3

Dear 2012 Julie

Dear 2012 Julie, 

I know in this picture you are thinking that life can’t get any worse. You’re scared and you don’t know what life holds, I’m sorry to tell you, but it’ll get a lot worse for a while. You’re going to question everything Julie and there will be times you think your heart can’t handle anymore heartbreak. It’ll feel like you are breathing but not alive, that if you could only stop crying and start feeling nothing, it would be better than feeling everything. 

You are compassionate and see the best in people when no one else can. Yes, feeling numb does feel good but it’s not what life is meant to be. That bump right there will be the reason you keep feeling, keep fighting, and eventually, the reason you leave that home that still haunts your dreams. Ayla is her name, she’s stubborn, sweet, and shockingly aware for a baby. She knows you need her and with every kick you realize more and more that you can’t succumb to the darkness. Keep going to the temple and keep remembering that those promises you are keeping are protecting her from the devils that try to possess you. 

There are so many scary moments ahead and I guarantee that you will feel what Joseph felt in the grove, hell pulling you into the darkness. But on the flip side you will never be closer to God and the moments that you are the most afraid, are the times they will be there the most. Hold tight to those experiences, they will mean everything to you in the future. 

Enough of the hard parts. There is so much joy not long from now, it won’t be with the man you are trying to save, but with another man who is everything you need. No one is perfect but he cares, and he is well worth the wait. When Ayla is born you’ll want to find someone who will help you raise her in the gospel and to protect you both. He will be that. He will never meet Ayla but know that she is just as excited as you to one day be part of an eternal family who all will love each other. There will be other children who will make you feel whole again. Just hold on a little longer. I promise you’ll have everything you ever wanted. 

So remember that even though things are bleak and you have lots of healing ahead, that you will move on. And you will be okay. I know in this picture it doesn’t feel that way, but you will, and you are far stronger than you feel. I love that woman because she is the start of why you are the person you are today. 

Continue to smile dear Julie. 

Love, 

2022 Julie 

Sigh...2022 Already?

 I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired. 

I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others? 

Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store! 

What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know. 

I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought. 

Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :).