I Was Always Enough

There was a time that I felt that I was worthless, that I failed every aspect of the perfectly laid out checklist I made as a youth. I checked all the boxes sure, but somehow that wasn't enough. My body fought me every moment of every day. Others around me had it all; a husband who cared, children who adored them, a house and money, and joy filled their home.

In contrast my life had an absent husband who made me feel weak, played on my ability to care and knew the loyalty I had to him. Money was tight, my home was dark and devoid of joy, and the baby growing inside me had a failure as a mother. I couldn't even bring her into a home that felt safe. Not one part of my life was what it was suppose to be. I did it all right, I was undyingly fierce in my commitment to Him and here I was, hot tears running down my cheeks again. A mess.

Why did God not love me? Did I do something wrong? I was made to feel that if I had been a better wife I would not be here. In 2012 divorce was not common in the YSA and especially not after only nine months, Everyone told me not to get married and I didn't listen. So shame on me. It was all my fault. I was not enough for my husband, I was failing my baby, and I was not enough for God. I was broken and no one could convince me otherwise. 

Then I lost my baby. I really was a failure in every aspect. It would be better if I just crawled in a hole to wither away. I wish I could feel anger, that would make sense, but instead I felt empty and worthless. Phrases like "it's all God's plan", "God knew you were strong enough to handle it", and my favourite "at least you know Ayla's going to the celestial Kingdom" were spoken on a regular basis to me. It held no comfort, my body always on the edge of a breakdown but forcing myself to hide it became my only purpose. 

Through my actions every member of my family was grieving. I did this to them. Sitting in the hospital with Ayla all I could think was "If it's hard for me it must be devastating for my family, if I could, I would never have asked one more thing of them." 

The tears flow easily as I remember this and finally in agony one night in my bed I cried out. Why did you make me watch my daughter suffer and die. Why after everything, did you take her too. This isn't fair. I can't do this anymore and I have no one who understands. 

Into my mind came the words I watched my son suffer and die for you. I understand. These simple words filled me with a warmth that I hadn't felt in months. Jesus knew my pain and God allowed Him to die to make this possible. My body shifted immediately.   

I found a man to love me as who I became after all this. I created a life with him and slowly let go of the complex that I wasn’t enough because I always was. I don’t believe that everything that happens is a predetermined plan, sometimes things just happen and thinking I have no say over it does a disservice to myself and to God. 

The years of healing has brought me to a comfortable place where I know that I was, and am enough and deserve every happiness I have. If that's true for me, I know it's true for everyone. I don't know why people get such awful things happen to them, but I do know that what you do with it, is always your choice. 

Ayla’s Stocking; There is Goodness

This year has been interesting. I started off my year as I usually do, busy but content. But I had no idea how my world and the one around me would change. I’ve talked about my conversation with Arles and the healing I got from it. Hearing from him brought up all sorts of things as you can imagine, but a major one was how much I loved Ayla. 

I went back through the photos I have of her and the mental block I had during my pregnancy was lifted. I’m embarrassed to admit, but I had blocked most of my pregnancy with her, looking back at it felt like someone else viewing my life, I forgot how excited I was with her. How excited Arles and I both were. The whole thing was clouded by the pain I endured during that time and I was able to finally relish in those memories. For the first time in years I remembered the good bits, the tender moments I had with her inside me; crying out of gratitude that she choose the broken version of me. 

I was able to work through the trauma of her passing and also remember the good bits in the hospital. I remember the water bed my parents had, the loving nurses who checked in, the lamb we ate hours before she died and how we laughed at how smelly it made everyone, the final moments we had with her earth side and the peace we all felt as she passed on from this life, I remember it all now.

It’s easy to forget the goodness when all you see is darkness. And our world has become dark and jaded. But like a blindfold being taken off it’s more important than ever to see the light around you. Ayla might be dead but other children are still fighting; their parents barely hanging on. There are so many people suffering that if I can bring one person some light I’ve done my job. 

This year please choose to see goodness in the world and in those around us. Take some time to serve even if it feels pointless because I assure you as a recipient of kindness, that it means more than you will ever know. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us,              Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year and find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Closure

To say the last couple weeks have been healing is an understatement. Those that have been here since the beginning know the many things I have gone through in my life. I’ve had to process so much trauma at a young age and it’s been years of therapy and introspection in the making. 

For years I’ve held onto the possibly that maybe I deserved what I got, that I was being punished in some way; I thought there had to be a reasonable explanation for how I was treated. There had to be something to fix and no therapist has been able to give me complete closure. 

I made peace that I would never feel completely okay and frankly I stopped praying for reprieve a long time ago. It’s one of those “put on a shelf and deal with it in the afterlife” type of situations. I knew that I would forever be jumping when someone slams their fist down, or when they raise their voice, and I’d always have the fear that Chris would treat me like I was before. I felt I was a flawed human who at any point will implode the relationship. 

Almost fourteen years ago I got married and one year later my life would be in shambles, even now I cannot properly articulate what happened. There was so much pain, so much hurt, and so many lies. I have tried to keep details off the blog but you get the idea. I was a shell of a person. Then I left. 

I knew that going forward I would have a long road of recovery ahead. I had good days and bad days, with the bad days getting less and less often over the years. I also knew that most people never get restitution and I accepted that.

However, I am a person who feels the need to fix everything. I need to understand the whys of human behaviour and perhaps that’s why I couldn’t let what happened to me go. I always had the gnawing need to better myself and know if I did everything I could.

That brings us to a year ago. I wrote a post willing my body to go back to who I was, I had remembered something that I had completely blocked from my mind before I even met my ex-husband. My body was finally ready to start to process the trauma. I went to therapy, I talked to Chris, and I dealt with it.

All during this I had dreams about Arles. Not very often and he was never angry or scary. Always just there. Recently the dreams became more frequent and this last month it was much more than before, there was an urgency to them and I knew that it was our spirits trying to connect. I would like to believe that Ayla had a hand in it. I have been slowly fixing parts of myself to this point where I was ready to tackle the most terrifying part, knowing.

I talked to people who started me on the path of reconciliation. I prayed probably the most fervently than I have in years and I reached out to get the closure that I have craved for thirteen and a half years. It was the most painfully difficult thing I’ve done in years. I was allowing the carefully boarded up part of my past to reopen, and to top it off, it was to someone that had hurt me in unimaginable ways.

I have fought to be who I am now and to not be angry or bitter but this, this was almost too much. I didn’t know how to say what I needed to while protecting myself from the possibility that this conversation could re-traumatize me again.

That he could say things that would make me remember how small I felt back then, the gaslighting that made me believe that I was crazy. That if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. Do you know how terrifying it is to open yourself up to all those feelings again? I almost let it end there. I was told he wanted to apologize but I didn’t know if I wanted to hear it all. But I did. I wanted to hear what he had to say. So I reached out.

I explained some of how his actions have impacted me. I told him my insecurities of what I felt I did wrong. But I also told him the words I didn’t know if I could type only a few days prior, “I forgive you” and “…for me it wasn’t a mistake” I poured out my heart and let the spirit flood my soul as I finally let go of it all.

The response I got still has me sobbing. “You did nothing wrong… ".... I wasn't the person I should've been." That simply isn't true of you.” The rest was full of more healing than I could’ve ever imagine.

After all these years, after all the pain and anguish I have dealt with, I finally read that he was sorry. Truly sorry. It was nothing I expected to get closure on and the last four days I’ve felt like a weight has been taken off and has been replaced with the love of God. I questioned if He even cared that this was something I wanted and I came to accept that he simply didn’t. But, that wasn’t true; He was waiting for a time where both of us were ready to take this step.

I have been bursting to share with every person who helped me through the dark times and even those going through dark days of their own. The Atonement is actually real! I knew Jesus suffered for our sins but until Saturday night I had no idea how it would extend to my healing too.

I was never forgotten and the words that Arles wrote was everything that I needed to read. I did everything I could and he sees that now, I was a good mother then (and I’m extending it to now too), and I did make a difference.

The dreams I had led me to this. I never imagined that after all these years I would have clarity and honestly? It’s going to take some time to get used to. So much of my life has been taken up by trying to gain this closure. Now I finally can let go.

To those who were there for me back then, and those who have been since, I want to thank you. Thank you for helping lift me up, thank you for always reminding me that I was worthy of love, and thank you for never leaving my side. It’s been a long time in the making but I’m here. And it feels incredible.

We are never forgotten. God loves us and one day everything will be made right. I got my happy ending but I know many who don’t. I just know that God and angels work behind the scenes to heal us.

He cares. I know this now.

Ayla's Stocking: Illness Can Strike, But there is Hope

This last year has held so many changes in our home. Melissa is in University and moved away for the summer, gaining new independence when she came home, Kaylee is getting closer to graduating high school, and little Felix has started preschool leaving me with more time to reflect. Recently Felix has been asking more about death and often in his prayers either asks for a baby to play with, or asking why the doctors didn't save Ayla and even more heartbreaking; if they couldn't keep her alive, how can they keep him (who has a genetic condition that requires constant monitoring by a team of doctors) from also dying? My mama heart breaks every time my small child vocalizes the harsh realities that illness strikes anytime. 

The only thing I can think to say in these moments is that there were so many people who were there for me during that time. There were tender mercies that looking back I saw, and that even though my child didn't survive there are people that still work tirelessly to ensure not all children suffer that fate. As the holidays approach I am so grateful that Felix has already learned that collecting toys for Ayla's Stocking helps serve those who are sad. We got our first load already and he took out each toy and told me "this will make a little boy (girl) so happy" and that's exactly why I do this; for one singular moment I can make someone smile.

I know I can't help every child. I also can't prevent heartache as the families buckle under the weight of circumstances, what I can do is continue to take toys and gift cards year after year so that I can make sure someone feels loved and maybe even hopeful for the future. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year snd find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Take Me Back

I’ve been working through a lot lately and things that my body pushed down resurfaced in an ugly way. All I can think is take me back, I so wish I could turn back the clock to a time before now when I knew nothing of the ugly the world has to offer. 

Take me back to a time where I laughed until I cried, where my worries seemed so hard. Where I went to church and was able to take notes and had no idea why people would leave. I did what I was told, and was happy to do so. I had hurts and pains, but nothing major. I thought that by living life the way I was taught I’d always be happy. I was so free, so filled with joy. 

Take me back to moving out on your own, experiencing freedom and having to cook (or not..). Take me to pulling mattresses out to the tv room with roommates and watching movies, ordering a pizza to yourself and not gaining a pound. Help me remember to laugh as I thought  “I’m not getting married anytime soon! I’ll chop my hair!” And getting engaged two months later. 

Take me to a time where I liked a boy. He was charming and liked me too. Take me back before I realized not everyone has pure intent and some people prey on sweet innocent girls. Help me forget the night I said nothing and blocked it from my brain, 

Take me to the pure joy as I flirted with an equally charming boy. Take me to the laughter and the love we grew together. I so wanted to stay in that state forever. Sharing my feelings and introducing him to my family. The veil that opened for us and the without a doubt feeling this was right. Take me to the time where eternity started in the temple and our love blossomed into new life inside me. Back when I thought the world was only good. Please take me back to the instant before my life fell to pieces. 

Take me to a time where I could see angels. Where God made himself known to me and I felt the love from both sides of the veil. Life was hell but I never felt so close to God. Take me to the moment I held my baby girl and had no idea that I’d only keep her for a short time. 

Take me back to how elated I was as I found that someone could love me in my broken state. Take me to when I met my daughters and embraced them knowing that they would be mine too. Help them keep their innocence. Take me to a time where I felt good in my body and didn’t hate the larger reflection staring at me. 

Help me move past the moment my son came out with a blocked intestine. Help me understand why I can’t catch a break. Help me remember that God’s timing was perfect and little Felix got to spend so much time with Chris and the girls. Help me with peace to know that I'm not alone and that for every hard thing, so many good things have come. 

So here I am. Reminiscing about a time so long ago when I was just purely happy. I read old posts on this blog and try to remember what it was like to be free from my personal demons. I miss that girl. I know, I know, I’m better because of all the things from the last decade but as Melissa ventures out into the world I can’t help but be a bit sad that she too will experience more loss and pain. As if she and Kaylee haven’t been through enough. But as I sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep I am finally reminded that my life is so good. I have people who love me, I have three children here, and I have a husband who yes, is a little rough around the edges, but has a good heart. 

I hope to find that girl again one day and come back to a time where I don’t feel so depleted. I hope anyone else who feels like I do, can also find peace.

Thanks for reading as always. I selfishly do this for myself, but if it helps someone else then that’s great. 

Ayla Stocking: Remembering People Need People

Looking back at 2023 I realized I have not wrote since January! Life has been a blur and I can't believe Christmas season is upon us again. This year hits different, my brother recently got married and I am now seeing that all of us are moving into different seasons of life; my oldest is graduating high school, my middle is starting high school, and my youngest living child is almost four. As time passes I see more and more how we need connections through it all.

Although I do love being a mom it comes with its challenges. This year I have never felt more inadequate than I have in recent months, there are so many aspects that I don't feel like I am doing well in and it leaves me feeling alone. I not only have lost a child at such a young age, I gained two girls who are now teens and meanwhile I am trying to deal with toddler moments. It's a lot for anyone and for me I have cried many nights wondering if I have people who get it, people who can sit in the pain with me and actually understand all the aspects of my life. The short answer is that no, there isn't one person who completely gets it, but I do have a group of women who together, help in each individual parts.

In the hospital with Ayla I felt so cared for and encompassed with love. I'll say it again, that hospice room became a sacred space for me. There are three moments that I felt the veil lift. Two being bringing life into this world, and one watching it being taken. Through it all I had people in my corner. I can't help but think that not everyone is as lucky as I am. There are parents who are in the thick of it and likely like I did (and do) wonder if there is anyone out there who understands. It is a lonely feeling watching a child suffer and not one I wish on anyone. I know the pain, and although not ideal, that understanding helps me feel for people in similar situations to me. 

I am at the hospital frequently and I see the eyes of the parents as we walk through the halls, shells of a person desperately trying to hold it together. I also see other people reach out to complete strangers much like when Felix was born and I was sobbing in the common area and a wonderful woman hugged me. She told me that she was there a week ago and it may not seem like it right then, but I would come out stronger. Humanity exists even when it seems like it does not. 

I know there isn't much I can do to help, but delivering toys to the hospice can be for maybe one moment, a reminder that people care and that human connection is vital to our existence. As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I got this out late this year but I plan to deliver on December 13. There are so many ways to show love during this season, please take the opportunity to do so :). 

Merry Christmas <3

He Knows

 *Trigger warning: I discuss Ayla's death and if that is something that might be too difficult, skip this one and read some of my happier posts*

I remember every moment ten years ago from the time my baby projectile vomited on me. That small moment I knew something was wrong, I pushed it off as normal because as a new mom who hasn't been thrown up on? I worked in a daycare where this happens all the time, and yet, why was I feeling uneasy? A trip to the doctor confirmed that Ayla merely had the flu and it was fine. But it wasn't. She wasn't fine. I remember asking if her fussiness could be due to meningitis and the doctor told me that he didn't think so and I'm sure in his mind a new mom knew nothing and as the medical professional I believed him, 

I sat in the chair all night giving her medication as soon and the dosage intervals would allow but still she cried and cried. Looking desperately at me begging me to help her and my heart was breaking more and more with every tear coming out of her eyes. I was her mother and there was nothing that I could do. I prayed and prayed that night and finally the next day I decided that I needed to take her to emergency again. Without a look at her they told me to sit. There I held my baby who had stopped crying but had resorted to constant moan. The mom next to me said that if she was called before me she would allow me to go first. She knew. 

After who knows how long I finally heard her name. As I scooped up my child I saw that her face had changed. She looked sick. One glance at her and the nurse with panic in his voice asked "has she always looked like this?" To which I replied a short "no, this happened while in the waiting room". He knew. 

In the back they called every pediatric doctor they could. They told me they'd run every test they thought of and they all came back inconclusive. It was time to call Arles and go to Calgary Children's Hospital. My body was beginning to give out and I knew that I didn't get a blessing that I wouldn't be able to handle what came next. I called my mom sobbing telling her Ayla was dying. I just knew it. She called my Uncle and in the early hours of the morning he came. I saw it in his eyes the moment he lay eyes on her, He knew. 

Texts began pouring in telling me it would be okay. That we'd all be okay. They didn't understand, the moment I set foot in that ambulance, Ayla would never come home again. Children's ran tests and it came back with the fear I had all along. Bacterial meningitis. I saw the scan and I knew that her body was seizing over and over causing more and more brain damage, By that point both sides of Ayla's family were there and although it was tense we were there for her. The doctors tried to tell me that there was a chance but they knew. 

Day after day of watching her suffer was almost too much. I was numb and I didn't know why God after everything would take her too. Why was I at 22 watching my life fall to pieces and the only person who had kept me sane was being taken too.There were prayers offered and a few people came to see us but every time someone new came into that room, as with everyone thus far; they all knew. 

The hospice was Ayla's final stop. By this point we were all just waiting and yes we had faith but the peace came that this was the way it had to be. I wouldn't ever completely understand, but this was His will. Arles' and my family stuck by us supporting in the only ways they could. How do you support children who are losing their child while also suffering in your way? That I can't tell you but what I do know is that without them, we would have lost it. Three weeks we watched her deteriorate and by the end I was tired. I begged for Ayla to be taken because now she we just a spirit trapped in a shell of a body. I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any longer and I knew part of the reason she was staying was because even in her current form, she loved us, she didn't want to leave knowing that she was leaving behind so many people who's hearts were broken. She knew, she just couldn't accept it.

Finally after a gassy night due to to meal we had, we all were laughing. She knew we'd be okay and it was time to let go. The hospice went quiet for the night and in that solstice her breathing became more jagged, her heart began to slow and things felt different. I called the nurse and she confirmed it was time. I handed Ayla over to Arles so he could say his final goodbyes and it was in his arms she took her last breath. We all felt it and aside from the temple, I have never felt God more than I did as I watched her body give up her spirit. To this day every time to go to the hospice I still feel it. It was in the hours after where I held Ayla's body as it began to turn cold that I felt that God knew. 

He knew that he was sending Ayla to save me. He knew that my prayers of asking Him to protect her would be answered in this way. He knew that for years after the pain and grief would consume me. And He knew that doing this would cause me to question if He even cares. But, despite all this, through all the pain and agony I went through watching my child suffer and die, this was why He sent Jesus Christ to die for me. He knew we all need a Saviour not only to take on our sins, but the unimaginable pain we all go through too. So I guess He always knew what the outcome would be, but He also knew that with Him I would become the person I am today. He knew that I would be sent to a husband and two beautiful girls who have pain all their own. He knew that sending my little boy would heal my soul more than anyone else and the words from my almost three year old two weeks ago "Ayla loves you" would remind me that not only does He knew me, He knows what I need. 

I guess what I"m trying to say is that life is pretty awful sometimes and there are so many moments that I don't know if He truly knows me. But God does. And even though I question it sometimes, this is something I can't deny. 

He Knows