Celebration of Life

Today I set foot in the very place where my daughter lived out some of her final days. I sat in a room full of people who have also lost their child, I watched as picture by picture popped up on the screen of children who have lost their life. There were eighty children who died in that hospital this past year. Eighty! 

Every year the hospital holds what they call "A Celebration of Life, Honnoring the Children". It was so weird to be back there, it seems like the time I spent there was a totally different life. One that doesn't even seem like it was real. I walked those halls every day, ate in that  cafeteria  every meal time, I lived there. Walking in there brought back so many memories. 

But even so I realized that in spite of everything that I've been through I am actually doing okay. I do have my days but the happiness is more evident then the sad. I love Ayla. She will always be a part of who I am. She continues to teach me so much and I'm grateful that unlike some of the people in that room today, I know where she is. 

I hope that those people find peace someday :)

On a side note Chris was in Annie this past week as Mr. Bundles the laundry man, and Drake the butler. His personality always comes out on stage and he is hilarious. He did an awesome job! If I had a good picture I'd put one up but mine came out fuzzy. I am proud of him :)

I Am a Mother

Today is Mother's Day. To many it brings great joy and reminds us of the great women in our lives. I'm blessed to have a great mother who taught me all I know. She is the best of the best and I love that there is a whole day to celebrate her. I love her.

But today was hard. Instead if waking up to cooing and maybe even a nice homemade mothers gift. My house was quiet. Ayla's room empty. Instead of picking up my sweet baby girl, I went to a grave to visit her. It was an emotional morning.

I am a mother. I know what it's like to have a little person who brings you more joy then you can imagine. I know how in an instant your life changes, and you don't even mind. Waking up in the middle of the night is exhausting, but when you see her smile when you come in, you smile too. Your whole life takes on new meaning. You would give anything and everything for your child. I understand. 

I wish that I didn't have to be sad today. I know it's not what Ayla would want. She's safe, and that's all I can ask for. I know that no matter what, she will always be mine. 

And I know that what ever happens,

I am forever a mother 

Mom

Monday was my moms birthday. To be honest words cannot express how much I love her, she has been there through everything. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who I can talk to. And laugh with :). She has taught me all I know. Without her I would not be doing as well as I am now. She's the best and I love her so much :) I look forward to continue to be taught by this great woman! 

<3

Laura Dunford :)

I was on Facebook today and realized that it was my friend Laura's birthday. Although I don't see her often I read about her life on her blog. She is fantastic. She was my efy counsellor at one point but she is now my friend.

But as I sent her a message I re-read our old conversation. The last time I talked to her is when I was in Calgary with Ayla. One particular night she brought me some sushi. That night in particular was a very difficult night...it was when we really knew Ayla would be leaving us soon. The doctor had told us that Ayla needed another MRI because of her continued seizures. I KNEW she was going to die. It was one of the hardest nights I had ever had.

Emotions were so high, and that night Laura came and sat with me in my exhausted state. I don't believe that she will ever know how much this meant to me. It was at that point that I knew that no matter how many years has gone by people don't stop caring.

So today I want to wish Laura a very happy birthday! I am so blessed to have her as a friend :)

<3

Forever Changed

Given that this is partly a journal for me I feel that it's important to write all major steps and changes in my life. Yesterday I received the phone call that gave me permission to move on. To close a very important chapter to my life.

To write all the feelings I had in that instant is impossible. I have felt everything imaginable in the past two weeks and for a day or two there I wasn't sure if this was going to end. Patience isn't a strength for me. But after telling The Lord all I want us to move on when HE thinks I should I finally got my prayers answered.

Yesterday I felt everything. Even a couple hours ago I didn't know if I am truly ready. But right now I feel peace. I don't know exactly how to describe it but for the first time I feel...free.

I have no idea what my plan is. Or even how quick things will happen for me. But I do know that what ever is in store is going to make me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with baby Ayla having a say in the way life will turn out? :) I am so excited to see what's in store!

PS: A huge thank you to everyone who cares so much about me! I have felt of your love and support :)

Three Months Later

Dear Ayla,
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.

I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.

There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.

I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.

I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.

The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom

Denver Trip

As you know I last weekend with family that I don't see very often. I knew it would be difficult but I'm so glad I went! I am grateful to Uncle Mark and Aunt Denise for allowing me into their home. I always enjoy my time with them.

We did everything from shopping to playing games. I love it. I hadn't seen them since the summer before Charlotte's wedding. So much has changed! Charlotte has a handsome baby boy named Asher, Emily got married to Johnny (I hope to meet him someday), John is getting ready for his mission, and Sarah is definitely not the 4 year old I met all those years ago!!! Things change but I love that we're family. So no matter what happens and changes we'll always be a family :)

I had great conversations with them and found that as I talked to them I felt like I was letting everything go. I love them so much! I realized that I need to make more of an effort to see them. We may live far apart but I feel just as close to them as my family up here.

A highlight was meeting my dear cousin Asher. As soon as I held him I felt that he knew who I was. I felt Ayla close when I was with him and I know for a fact that she visits often. Before landing I was getting nervous about seeing him. Knowing that Ayla and him were two weeks apart and seeing him might spark sadness in me was a bit overwhelming. I had nothing to fear though. He helped me grieve in ways that no one can understand. He brought me such joy that I finally felt ready to go back to work. It was remarkable.

I loved being in Denver and am so grateful for technology that keeps us in touch. I hope that I can continue to visit as families grow in size. I really do have a fabulous extended family!!

Here's a photo recap of the trip :)