Mending the Ache

Sometimes I have emotional weeks. And sometimes it hits me that when I have my next child I won't get to have the beloved sibling picture with Ayla gazing in awe at her brother or sister. Sometimes I cry and have a pitty party. 

 But then I help a friend, and I feel better :)

There's nothing more joyous then a fresh baby, it helps to mend my aching

Christmas Surprise

In my previous post I mentioned a Christmas surprise in honour of Ayla. I emailed someone I got to know quite well while I was up in The Children's Hospital last year and she's on board with my plans. I'm so excited to get started and see how it will work out :). I'm still in the planning stage so I'll keep it a surprise a little longer ;) 

Happy Monday Everyone! 

Ayla's Birthday Letter

Dear Ayla,

Happy birthday! I cannot describe how it feels to know that this day was suppose to be about you. A year ago after being in labor for three days and a half days (!!) I finally pushed you out, on Labor Day mind you! It was the defining moment in my life where in one instant I changed from a daughter to a mother. 

Today I so badly want to be baking a cake while trying to keep you out of trouble. I want to feel that exhaustion that everyone  Facebook complains about, the kind where all you want to do is take a nap but you can't because your toddler refuses to sleep. I want to snuggle you close and kiss your head, cheeks, and everything else I can get my hands on. I want to be able to reflect on your first year of life and see how you've grown. 

Today I went to your grave, I do this every Sunday too. I try to be optimistic and happy but little angel, I miss you. I also attended the temple in honour of your birthday today, I know that's what you would want. I love it there and I have no idea where my life would be if I hadn't decided a long time ago that I would always go to the temple for me.  When I could finally feel you move and felt how much you loved it there I knew that I would not only go for me anymore, but for you too. I even went at 37 weeks, the ladies looked at me like I was going to pop at any minute! I loved every minute with you there. I know you continue to 'hang out' in the temple every chance you get :). 

I invited some of our family and some of my friends to either go to the temple this week or perform an act of service in rememberence of you. I actually felt happy to have something to do with you today. It may not be the party I had started planning a year ago, but it's the best I can do. There better be birthday parties in heaven! I'll put in a word with Grandma Wood. 

I also have a special Christmas project in the works. It's a bit early to start thinking about Christmas, but as you know, time moves fast. As it gets closer I'll tell you about it. For now let's keep it a surprise. 

Things have slowed down for me a bit, my life is pretty laid back. In a way it's nice, I haven't had this much of a break in such a long time. At the same time though, I wish it would start to pick up again. I think I'm finally ready to open up again. I'm terrified to be honest but I think that I've done all I can do by myself. The other issues I have can only be healed by putting myself out there.

The kids at daycare keep me on my toes, I work with your age group actually. The kids I have this month are a year old as well. You would think that would be difficult but actually it's not to bad. As usual, I love them. I don't think there's a child in the world that I don't love. Some are easier to love then others, but they all make me smile. Working with kids makes me wonder if they can see you, do you visit me at work? Do you tell them to be stinkers? Or that I need a hug? I'm sure you do. I know that you're probably closer then I realize. 

I had an experience last week at daycare actually. I was sitting in the nap room rubbing a child's back (he had woken up and I was trying to get him back to sleep) and he was being pretty funny. He was trying to play peekaboo and continuously giggled. I admit I laughed a bit too. But here's the interesting part, I was thinking about you and wishing I could rub your back at nap time when this little boy looks at the ceiling and started to wave. I asked what he was waving at and he just looked at me, smiled, and waved one more time at the ceiling. I don't know if you were there or not but I think you were. Silly boy almost put me in tears. You and him would have been good friends (maybe you already are?). 

I know it should be me giving you gifts today. And to be honest you've given me more gifts then I could ever repay you for. Truly. I hope someday I can thank you in person. But today I need a favor from you, please help me fully heal. In my mind there is only one way to feel full again and that takes work. Help me through this time. 

I truly am doing better. The small stuff doesn't bother me as much. I don't even cry over you as much as I used to. In some respects I wish I did, even knowing that emptiness would be lovely so at least I could say I remember the feeling. But I don't. Part of the healing process I suppose. 

I still do remember you though, you brought an immense amount of joy that few can understand. The Lord knew when I got pregnant that you were exactly what I would need in the coming months to help me through what I thought was the most difficult time in my life. In a way even your death helped me to heal from that wound much faster then I would have thought I ever could. 

You came and did what you had to, you gave me a hope for the future and taught me what true sacrifice is. So on this day I hope my tears reach you (the sad and the happy). You touched my life more then you know. Stay close Ayla Carol Jacqueline and know I will always have a special place in my heart for you!

Love always,

Mom <3 

When All You Need is a Hug

Sometimes there are times when all you need is a hug. Good thing I have an understanding family :)

Re-discovering Reading

About a month ago I realized that there was a part of my life that was missing. It was only when I thought through it that I realized over the past two years I can count the number of books I've read on one hand. Reading has always been a big part of me, I love being being able to escape the world and enter a new one. It's all part of being an introvert :P. 

I think that between schooling, relationships, motherhood, and grief I lost my love for doing things for me. For a time I didn't have much time for anything I enjoyed (other then bring a mother, that brought me a joy that cannot be replaced :) ). But when I did have time for it I just didn't want to. In a way I think that I needed that time to numb out and watch TV all day. However,  almost three years later I am re-discovering my lost world of books.

I am proud to say that since I realized this I have read eight books. I really did miss it and am glad to be back :) 

Childcare

I love my job. I get asked all the time if its ever hard working with children knowing that I lost a child and in some cases with the same age group as Ayla would have been. My response? Yes, sometimes. But the good out ways the bad. 

I have so many sweet kids, and when ever I have a hard day it seems that the children know. I know that I am so loved by them and it brings tears to my eyes at how special they make me feel. When I am with them I can't help but think that someday I may actually be able to parent a living breathing child. 

Some days are rough and I feel like I am in the wrong profession. I am made to feel like a failure at times. But then I play and interact with the children and know that this is what I am suppose to do. I absolutely love it and can't imagine doing anything else :)

Six Months Later

It's been six months. Six. Hard to believe isn't it? It seems that as time moves forward people start to forget, well not forget completely but move on in their lives. Whether I like it or not I am moving on without her too.Things that I thought we would be doing together, dreams I had for the both of us, decisions we should be doing together, I'm doing alone.

Father's Day was difficult for me. It really should not have been but it was on that day that I remembered where I was a year ago. I thought that by doing what I did I would be creating a better life for both of us. And it did. But I also held onto the hope that in a year from that time I would have a beautiful baby to conquer the world with. Coming to the realization that my dreams of the 'perfect life' was lost in a way. I had no way of knowing what lay ahead.

I am definitely feeling better with where I am as oppose to a month ago. June held so many memories and lost dreams that it was difficult to handle. If I could go back a year ago I wouldn't have done anything differently, I have to believe that The Lord knew what he was doing and still does. Makes me wonder what the next year will hold...hopefully a bit more relaxed. I can only hope.

The past week I dealt with some hard things and luckily I came out of it alright but for me it showed that no matter how much I just want life to stop so I can breathe, it doesn't. I cant really say how the past six months have been other then it's been a roller coaster. Some daysI go through the day and I'm fine But other days I cant stop thinking about her. I so wish I could go back and take advantage of the time I had with her. I thought I would have more time then I did and sometimes I wonder if there was more that I could have done. Taken her more places, introduced her to more people.

I should have been more happy. It should have been enough that I had a true angel in my arms, nothing else should not have mattered. But see that's the perceptive that I didn't get at the time. I was so worried about creating the perfect life and giving her as normal life as any child with two parents that I forgot to enjoy the tiny moments. The laughs and the tears, the explosions, and the concept of just being together. I'm not saying I was a bad mother, I worried (and still do sometimes) that I didn't do all I could. But deep down I know I did everything I could and I think she knew that without her death my life could not truly move forward. I think she also understands that as imperfect as I am my love for her was so pure and so perfect that even in this life I understood Godlike love. In a sense.

All in all I am doing fine. The past month has seemed more difficult. It's part of the  grieving  process I suppose, in some ways I wish it got easier. I am realizing now though that it never will completely heal. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. 

For tonight though I am going to let myself cry. I'm going to allow my arms to feel empty. I'm going to be sad that instead of being a mommy to a cute ten month old I have an angel baby. 

Someday soon I hope my arms will be full again.