True Friendship

This past weekend we had a lesson in sunday school talking a bit about true friendship, the kind where you are not only friends but you feel like the other person holds a piece of your heart. I was with my friend Megan over the past week and a bit and she and I talked a little bit about true friendship. I feel like I have learned so much about what it means to be a true friend and through the example of others I have become better.

I have had many friends over the years but I have found that over the past couple years I have become closer with a few. I have never been one to fit in so to speak but I always had good people surrounding me. I find it interesting that most of my very closest friends are the ones I went to high school with, there are a few others that I didn't but for the most part it is. I talk about Megan quite a bit lately but it's only because I look up to her in every way possible. Often as you go through difficult things you see who your friends are and I seem to have quite a few.

But Megan...Megan was one of the first people I turned to when things in my life started to go sour. Two years ago it was at her wedding that I saw what a real relationship looked like. She didn't have to but after she got back from her honeymoon she invited me over, this was the first of many times when she would be a listening ear as I expressed some of the deepest hurts of my life. She only said things when I asked her advice and she was always the one that if I was on my knees praying for a friend was the one who would call. True friendship doesn't always mean knowing all the answers or fixing problems, it's being able to be there for someone and support them as they need it. Then you become the same for them.

I look at how Megan interacts with her boys and the more I see the more I want to be like that when I become a mother again, I always have. When I first found out I was pregnant I asked Megan for advice and I'm sure I will next time around. I don't think I will ever be able to pay her back for being the friend I have needed over the past two years.

She's not the only one and the more I look back the more I realize I was never alone. True friendship doesn't mean you talk to them all the time or are always together, to me it means that no matter how long it has been since you've talked, you can call them and be able to share and talk as if no time has passed. It develops over time and often becomes something deeper and more meaningful then you thought possible.

I find that it is because of the deep ties you have to each other sometimes friends can tell you things that not many others can, they have earned the right to be completely honest and although you may not always want to hear it, you respect it. Family can often become true friends and the more I get older then more I realize how much of a friend they have been all along.

I feel like sometimes you feel an immediate connection to someone and you don't understand why. My roommate Patricia and I seem to have that connection, I feel like it was only through moving in with her that I have been able to more fully heal. She gets me out of the house (most of the time) and we can have deep conversations with each other. I feel like she's one of those people that I may have known before I came to earth.

I also love my little friends, it doesn't matter how I feel going to work, they always make my day. I can't imagine doing anything else for a career. They have become some of my closest friends and I am privileged to be able to watch them grow and develop.

I am so glad to have so many friends and hope each of them know how much it means to me that I have them in my life :)

Mother-like Love

One year ago I spent Mother's Day curled in a ball crying, not wanting to face the realitity that my first Mother's Day since Ayla's birth was without the one who made me a mother. I didn't understand, I felt very alone. I wrote a post about how I was still a mother reguardless of the empty crib and I fully believed it. I still do.

This year I didn't wake up in tears, I went to church, and I was fine. This year I feel like I've learned so much more then I thought possible about what it truly means to be a mother. My own mother has shown me that once you are a mother you can never go back. She is there for me on my best days and my worst and there is never a moment that I doubt she loves me. She will always be my mother and I love that I can call her mine.

I know that I didn't get the Mother's Day every mom wishes but I did get cards and recognition from many people including my mother. She has taught me more over the past year then I think she realizes and she had given me hope that someday I will be that mother :)

So for now I am a mother in my own way. I serve others children and I love them each like I would my own child. They know it and I hope their parents know it. I am empowered with motherhood and it drives me everyday. 

This year I feel so much more useful then I did a year ago and I am so grateful so my beautiful daughter who watches and loves me from above. I have no doubt that if she could she would give me all the kisses and hugs she could. I love her like no other, and for that I am blessed. 

Last night I was laying in my bed and as always I said good night to Ayla, last night however I asked if she could spare one night with me. Immediently I felt this peace come over me and I knew it was her way of saying that she is always there. 

So this Mother's Day I hope that all woman everywhere recognize that we are all mothers, whether we have children here or not. Each woman carries the ability to love with a mother-like love, and that is a beautiful gift :)

Because of Him

Yesterday I went to the movie called Heaven Is For Real and it being Easter I wanted to write a little on my beliefs on The Atonement, death, and the afterlife. Not everyone shares these beliefs but they are very close to my heart and I believe whole heartedly in them.  

In the movie there's this child who has a near death experience, he goes to heaven but comes back and tells everyone about it. It was amazing and hit close to home as you can imagine. It amazed me how people who claim to preach and believe in heaven and hell had a hard time believing his story. He told so many beautiful and amazing things that are not to far off of what we read about in the scriptures. 

One of the most touching points was the hospital scene. It showed his mother calling others to pray and his father praying and yelling at God asking him not to take his child. I have been there. Shortly after Ayla arrived at the hospital in Calgary I experienced both of those sides. 

I walked into the parent room and had to make a couple of devastating phone calls explaining that my sweet baby girl was dying. I was trying to be hopeful but I knew deep down. I knew when I stepped foot in that ambulance that that would be my last ride with Ayla. I prayed the whole way, I begged for Ayla not to be taken. I don't know if Ayla was completely in her body like the little boy in the movie. I know that she knew what was happening  and she understood more then me what was going to happen. 

I sometimes wish she could've talked and told me of her experience. I'm sure there were so many angels singing to her too. I also know that she knew my pain. She knew. And she still does. 

At one point in the movie Colton (the little boy) talks about seeing not only his great grandfather but his sister, who up until that point he had no idea existed. He says that his sister came and gave him a big hug and she wouldn't let go. Not only does this experience tell me that even miscarried children are ours but those who die before us still care. 

There's one though who cared enough to die so that we can live. He is the reason we celebrate Easter. Jesus walked into the garden alone and bled from every pore, feeling every pain that we each individually feel. There were times where I have yelled at God asking him why he let me watch Ayla die and I couldn't do anything. I sobbed and felt like he couldn't possibly know what it was like to be the helpless parent who would gladly give their own life so that the child would have one. 

As I was praying I got a voice telling me that yes, he understood because he watched Christ bleed and die so that the rest of his children could live. He understands perfectly. And unlike me he could have stopped it, but again, he knew that in order to save me, he had to give up his son.

I can never thank him enough, Jesus felt my pain, your pain, and even little Ayla's pain. And because he rose again he gives that same opportunity to us. We will all live again. And my sweet Ayla and I will finally be able to embrace and cry together. 

So this Easter Sunday I am grateful for the belief and knowledge I have that even if a veil seperates us, all of our dead ancestors and friends still live on. And because Jesus loves us so much he was willing to die so we can all eventually live again.  

Onward

At the beginning of the year I made a goal to move forward and true to that goal I have been. I'm realizing that instead of sitting back and letting life happen to me, I'm going to make it happen. The past few years I've sat back and let circumstances rule my life, and granted I didn't have much choice, but this year I have no obligations so why not do things I've always wanted to do? It's often when you are keeping yourself busy that The Lord blesses you. 

With that in mind I decided to go back and take the last course for my level two and I got accepted! As of May 7th I am registered at the college and at the end of the summer I will be finished. I'm excited to finally be done and accomplish one of my goals. 

I also applied to be an EFY counsellor, I don't know yet if I can get the time off and I am doubting it at this point but at least I applied :). I loved being a participant for five years and have always thought it would be fun to be a counsellor. Plus this will probably be Chris' last year. So I have to go #obviously. 

Another thing I'm excited for is going with Megan and the boys on a trip :). I'm so happy that even though I don't have my own child to take on trips, Megan lets me borrow her kiddos. It'll be a good time. And I'm excited to spend some time with her. Megan has helped me in ways she'll never know and I'll never be able to fully thank her for it. I love her. And how she's supported me through the past couple years. 

I love that I'm finally moving forward, looking back and seeing the progress I've made has been remarkable. I'm exactly where I should be and I'm happy at how much healing has taken place. I am such a different person then I was. It's great. 

 Life is wonderful, and I'm happy with where it's taking me :)

I Am Needed

My roommate Rebecca sent me a link to this cute blog post about a mother who talks about how now that she's a mom, she is always needed. She has a responsibility to her children and loves it. She entitled it "Somebody Needs Me". 

Often I get stuck in the rut that no one needs me, that instead of me giving kisses on an owie, or a constant yanking on my pant leg I have...well nothing. No one needs me in the way I dreamed of wanting to be needed. I got a taste of it then just as quick as I got that opportunity it was gone and I was left with an empty space in my heart. It amazes me how much I still ache for a child I knew for only four months (thirteen if you count the nine while I was pregnant). 

People move on and forget, take my doctor, I saw him for the first time in a year and he asked how motherhood was treating me. I had to kindly remind him that she died over a year ago. He felt terrible but that's beside the point. I just realized that people move forward in their lives. And I will forever have a missing piece. It's daunting how I have to live the rest of my life with her missing from it. I guess you just take it day by day. And don't get me wrong I'm not a wreck most of the time, very rarely actually but I have days and I'm greatful for the pain, because it proves how much love I still have for her. And that she really existed. 

Now back to the point I made at the beginning; that no one needs me. It's not entirely true because I have kids that depend on me everyday. The more I think about it the more I realize that the work I do is important, and I am a huge part of these children's day. Monday through Friday. I have days where I just want some space but lately I just am grateful that I have some kids that know that although teacher Julie may come off as grumpy all she needs is to know that they care for me just as much as I care for them, that because I don't have a child anymore these kids have become a way for me to feel like I'm a mom when that's not possible in the way I hoped two years ago. 

So I guess the point is no, I'm not needed all the time. I am needed from when I start my shift to when it ends. And for now, that's okay :)

A List Kind of Day

It's been a while since I've blogged! I have been trying to rack my brain trying to find something significant to blog about, but I can't find the words...so a list will do :)

:: My YSA ward is gone now, they disbanded the ward then split us between two wards and so I'm returning to my old YSA ward, it's a tough one 

:: Patricia and I had a girls night last week and stayed up until 5:30 in the morning, I'm getting too old for that. But at least I made new friends :)

:: A child said "la lou (love you)" the other day and blew me kisses all the way down the hall, I love my kiddos

:: For Rebecca's birthday we lit some lanterns, like the ones from tangled, and watched them float away. It was sweet

:: I have decided to accept life as it us, and I've found I've been much happier since

:: I applied to school to finish up one course, I'm excited about it :)

:: Eric got some results back saying he can serve a full time mission, then he sent me the sweetest text

:: I'm going on a vacation with my friend Megan and her boys this June, it's going to be fun!

:: Ayla is still a big part of my life and I love it, there's not a day that I don't think about her. 

Someday

I've said this so many times but children are my friends. It doesn't matter how much I see them or what age, all of them have touched me in one way or another. Today I sat and watched as a little friend had a funeral. He joined my baby girl in heaven last week. No explanation or reason why. He just peacefully left this world. 

I am grateful that I had time to process that Ayla was leaving. I am also grateful that although I never wanted to understand this kind of pain, I do so I can hopefully help someone else. I get it. I understand a mourning mothers pain and I hope that in some way I can help those in similar circumstances. 

My heart breaks for my little friend's family. Over and over. I don't get why he left, and probably never will, but I hope they find the support that's needed to pick themselves up and live. 

Someday all of us moms of angel children will hold them again and then we will truly understand the unconditional  love that those children have for us. 

Someday