President Monson: An Example of Service

This time of year is always one of reflection. And to be honest, I didn't plan on posting on Ayla's Angel Day this year, as I'm sure you sometimes tire of hearing about her. But, I felt that I needed to reflect on some feelings I have had on recent events.

For those who are not aware, I am LDS. I belong to a church where we believe that apostles and prophets lead God's church today and recently our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson passed away leaving me with mixed emotions. There are so many things I could write about, and if you are remotely familiar with him you know how much his family and him gave to this church. He was called to be a bishop in his early 20s and by the time he was 36, he had been called as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, with his youngest being only three years old.

He served the remainder of his life as a general authority and later as prophet. When I heard of his passing, all I could think was how wonderful that reunion in heaven would have been! The last few years without his wife must have been extremely trying. Having someone to come home to after a long day of work is such a blessing, and I am sure more than once she was his sounding board as he talked through some of the challenges he was facing as he struggled to lead the church in the way it needed to go. His wife gave her husband to the church and when she left, I feel like a piece of him also went with her. I can't imagine how hard that would be.

President Monson served his entire life until the end. In this month's Ensign magazine put out by the church, he spoke on kindness and forgiveness. What a way to leave your legacy! His final words were ones of love and encouragement. All he ever wanted was for the members to be kind and serve one another.

January is particularly difficult for me. Aside from the lack of sunlight and constant cold, I also struggle with the memories past January's bring. I have learned that there are certain hurts that never completely go away. I cope pretty well, but there are some days where the bitterness and pain I try so desperately to leave in the past come creeping back. I don't believe those feelings are wrong, but allowing them to consume you is. They can ultimately destroy you if you let them. Every year it's a struggle to not feel angry and bitter about how everything played out. In the same breath though, I do get through those feelings every year, and it's such a relief when I do.

With the passing of President Monson and his last few talks focusing on kindness and service, I have felt more and more how far I have to go. Each of us has pains and trials that are difficult to bear. I don't think I could deal with some of things others have to deal with, nor do I believe others would want my trials. Knowing that our life is tailored to our specific needs helps me to remember that God is very much aware of my pains, and what I need from him personally. He never asks us to take on other's problems, all that is required is being there for others. When I am having a hard time and I have people who support me, I need to do the same for them. It's so hard to get away from my self pity and actually serve others. There are times where you have nothing to give, and I think God recognizes that, but there are other times where serving someone else actually helps you.

In church today we talked about how it's great to look for opportunities to serve around the world, and those are fantastic and we should definitely do that, but service has to start in our own communities. During the time period between my separation from Arles and Ayla's death there were so many people who supported me and acted on promptings. In my opinion they acted through God in my behalf; to this day I don't think they truly know how much that meant to me. This time of year the feelings are especially tender. With the passing of President Monson and hearing that even when he was ill he still visited the lonely and the broken hearted it just showed me how much I have to improve on.

There are always people who need help and sometimes (as pointed out in our lesson today) we don't need to do much. Something as simple as sending a text to let your friend know you are thinking about them, a quick visit, or a hug in the hall can make a huge difference. Why don't I do this more? I know how much it helps me, and yet I don't do it myself. I guess in my head it has to be something well thought out before I attempt to help. I also know that people can be like me and not want to talk about their problems. I can put on a perfect mask when need be. But I learned the hard way that by doing that you begin to shut off all your emotions from yourself too. It is okay to accept help, and often the other person needs the blessings of serving you. Let us be honest, life is so much more bearable when it's shared.

What I am beginning to learn I suppose is that the little things all add up to the larger things. And if I can help just one person feel loved maybe it will remind me the love God has for me.

I admit that the beginning of January I was feeling pretty low, but this past week I have been reminded that although I made so many mistakes in my life and I feel like I was not the mother I should have been to Ayla, she knew I loved her with every fibre of my being. In turn, the love I felt for Ayla is nothing compared to what Heavenly Father feels for me. I hope that one day I will be able to be his instrument in expressing his love to others, so that they too can feel the peace that comes with knowing that we are never alone in our trials.

Today I remember my beautiful Ayla. This year however, I am allowing myself to share my burden. The wonderful part is, it doesn't feel as heavy as it once was. 

Welcome 2018!

How can 2017 be over already and we are starting another new year?! I say this every year, but this year truly has really flew. I think that's in part due to my new circumstances and how life has played out, but at the same time I think that the more busy you are, the more quickly time seems to go. I had an incredible year filled with new experiences and new people. Not only that, Chris came home from Texas and I was able to spend some time with the whole family before everyone goes their separate ways. One thing hasn't changed and that's how much God is there for me. I have had to be very open with Him this year. And open to His plans as opposed to mine.

Last year my word was vulnerable. Now, at the time I didn't completely understand why this word kept coming to mind, but I think I do now. I am one who puts up walls, particularly when I need the most love. I am constantly telling myself that if I ever break down, or let people see the real me, that I am weak. I have a really hard time letting people in and an even more difficult time sharing my load with others. Don't get me wrong, I was in a good place a year ago, but I still was trying to be independent. I am very much an "I'll deal with this myself" type of person. I still am, but I am improving.

This year started in a place where I had no idea what was coming, or how much I would need to be open and vulnerable. I love how God works sometimes. As many of you know, about a year ago I went on a date that changed my whole year. In many ways I was ready for it, but in other ways there are certain things that only a relationship can help bring out. I had to learn that it's okay to cry, that showing everything about you, the good, as well as the painful is what needs to happen. I had to learn and had to learn fast, that if this was going to work I had to be completely open about my insecurities and my past. And that's hard. When you have dealt with painful things you tend to lock it away deep down where there's no chance it'll pop up when you don't want it to.

Like everyone else, I'm sure my emotions come out at the most inopportune times. Take last week for example. It's been five years since my little Ayla got sick. Delivering Ayla's Stocking is usually fine for me, but this year was more emotional.

There was a doctor present that was there when Ayla died. That was fine, and actually he was very kind to me. When we came in he asked if I remembered him (to which I said yes, those people are hard to forget) he said he remembered Ayla very well and how beautiful she was. I also found out that it was him who ran to get the social worker that had been working with Arles, our families, and I through our hospital stay. He was the one who saw that I had a need of someone on my side as Ayla passed on and he acted on that prompting. I didn't know any of this previously.

Let me just put a plug in for the doctors here, they are the most selfless people I know.

I was fine on the drive back to Chris' house, but once I got back I couldn't hold back the tears. Unfortunately, his two kids were the witnesses to my few moments of tears. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. They saw I was crying and the youngest asked what was wrong. I explained that I was missing Ayla a lot. She said "okay" and moved on. And that's how it's been all year. They also have shown me great love and understanding.

There are days when I had a hard time and instead of waiting until I was in the car or in my room, I was honest about how I was feeling. I don't think Chris minded and I don't think I would have continued to open up if I didn't feel that he really cared or was listening. I learned that I don't have to be the strong one every time. In a normal functional relationship, you don't have to hide your feelings. To be honest, in my friendships there are only a few people I can be completely open with, but this year that circle expanded. I maintained the ones I already had, but made new ones as well.

This year I learned to strengthen the relationships I already had, and open myself up to new ones. It was a great year of learning for me.

This year my new word is patience. I struggled this year to think of a new word, but this is the one that feels the best for what I want to accomplish. This can take many forms and there are a few I want to focus on this year. I feel like this is something I will never fully master, but I want to do my best to improve.

I think the most important for me now is to be patient with myself. I held myself to a very high standard for so long that I often get frustrated when I can't master a skill or if I keep making the same errors over and over. It's okay if it takes me longer to master something or to learn how to be who I want to be. I have all these ideas of how to better myself, and more often than not, I get upset that I can't seem to do everything at once. I need to learn to be just as patient with myself as I am with others.

I saw a video on youtube a couple weeks ago where a woman asked others to talk to a childhood picture of themselves and say the things to that child that they tell themselves every day. It was an eye opening experience.

Another aspect of patience is learning that my timing is not the only one in effect. There is God's timing (which apparently is perfect :P) and our timing. I struggle to understand why things don't work out how I envisioned in my mind, and I found that I never truly know the answer. I have come to the conclusion that there is no way I am getting the answers I want in the timeframe I want them. Clearly I am not perfect at understanding this, so I am making it a goal to work on it this year.

I also want to be kinder and more patient to those around me. Something as simple as not getting frustrated when someone cuts me off in traffic. Once again, I will bring up that I can be stubborn at times and often I think that my solution is the most logical. But, I need to be kinder and more understanding.

Patience is an ongoing process, and definately one that will take some work. I am looking forward to bettering myself as I focus on this in the coming year.

2017 was a year of growth and change. I can't wait to see what experiences 2018 will bring! 

Ayla's Stocking; Loving Those Who Need It the Most

For those of you who have been with me for the past four years, you are well aware of what November means for me. It's the time of year where we start shifting our focus from ourselves to those around us and start looking for ways to serve and love those who need a pick-me up. For me, November means I start up a project called Ayla's Stocking. I started this project as a way to help me cope with the loss of my daughter Ayla but since it's grown and become so much more.

I'm sorry for those who have been around since the beginning, so I will keep the recap short. Five years ago I had a beautiful baby girl named Ayla. She came at a time that I needed her the most and became my everything, nothing gave me greater joy than helping her grow and learn new things. However, just after Christmas she got sick and died three weeks later in the Children's Hospital. The next Christmas I started a project where I collected toys and other items as a way to help me remember her, and also help those in pain. 

Through the years it's grown and become something I look forward to. I have had so many great experiences and have felt the love of those around me as they give up a little time to make a difference in my life. I am always so humbled. For the past two years (and now this year as well), I have been able to partner with justserve.org and this has grown Ayla's Stocking exponentially. To be honest, if we get any more than we did last year we might have to make two trips! It's a fantastic sight to see and wonderful to know that in a world of so much turmoil there are still good people in the world willing to reach out. 

This year I had a unique experience. The hospice where Ayla spent her last days hosts a series of parent discussion groups periodically and because I live out of the city I never took the opportunity to go. But a couple months ago I was able to drive up there and attend. Most people who have lost any loved one know how lonely it can be as you move through grief. I remember while in the hospice with Ayla, I luckily had a great support system but few people really grasp what it means to lose a child. And that's incredibly difficult as you strive to come to terms with illness and death. Both the hospice and hospital became a safe place for me where the outside world did not exist. Not everyone is religious but for me it was a place where I felt as if I was inside the temple. It's really a feeling like no other. And the experiences I had there still are just as tender as they were almost five years ago.

While at this group I realized how lucky I truly was to have so many people coming to my aid in whatever way possible. I could see the pain as the other parents discussed their unique challenges and I couldn't help but feel that all this community of people (who never asked to join this "club") need is love. They need someone to acknowledge that although there is nothing you can do to stop this pain, you are there to support them through the grief. While you are in the thick of watching your child go through so much it's hard to see how many people do care. I know that a Christmas gift isn't much, but I hope that when those parents are at a group meeting in the future they remember that someone out there loved them enough to give them a momentary pick me up. 

As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can go to justserve.org and there will be information on how to get involved there. My house here is also a drop off location. You can contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), hone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information. I am delivering the toys the morning of Friday, December 22, so you have until then. 

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

With everything that has been going on in the world I feel it's important to look for the little things we can do to brighten someone's day. Of course I would love to get as many toys and items to donate to my project, but even if you don't donate to Ayla's Stocking please look for other ways to serve. We can't change all the awful things that happen in the world, but we can change just one person's world. As someone who has been on the recipient end many times, I can verify how much it means. 

As always, thank you so much for the support I have received through the years. I cannot express enough how much it means to me! This year as you go about your Christmas season I hope you have time to reflect on what this season is all about and remember Christ.

Happy 5th Birthday!

Dearest Miss Ayla,
Five years? How could five years go by this fast?! Here I am 26 years old and feel like it was only a short time ago I was 21 and a new mother. I had no idea what I was doing but all I knew was that there was no one in the world that I loved more than you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you and wish you were navigating this new part of my life with me. I was promised in the hospital that you would be with me every step of the way but I so wish it wasn't from the other side of the veil. 

I see all the kids your age and I try to not get too far into the "what if's" but sometimes I can just imagine you and your stubborn personality--where you got that from I'm not sure, because I'm not stubborn in the least right? I know that we would butt heads and I know that there would be days where you would refuse to wear the perfectly matched outfit I picked out for you and opt for the pink tutu and crocs instead. You would play shy but around me and people close to you it would be a totally different child. Despite all that I would still love you fiercely. And I would do my best to parent you. Even if you didn't like it. That's what parents are for right?

Last year I talked about how it was harder than most and how I felt like I was learning a lot about myself as an individual. I feel like I was being prepared for what would come this year. Funny how that works.

This year has flown by faster than most and part of that reason is because shortly before your death day I met someone. He is so good to me Ayla. And he understands those days when my tears flow and I miss you. I know you are here and I know for sure you had a hand in this. He is everything I could have hoped for and I am so glad I stuck it out waiting. He teases me (thought you would get a kick out of that), he's smart, kind, handy, and most importantly he treats me well. I love him and his kids more than I could've dreamed. 

That hole in my heart that has been aching for years hasn't felt as overpowering as it once was. I still miss you, don't get me wrong, but being able to hang out with Chris and the kids has helped me in so many ways. I sit in church and tear up because I still can't believe I'm as lucky as I am. I didn't think I would feel that way again because everytime I do something happens and I get a swift kick in the pants. So far though, it's been so great. I have met so many new people this year and shared moments with them where I realized that my life isn't all that different than others. We all have trials but being able to talk freely about you and have people understand the ache and loss of losing a child has helped me immensely. I have so many wonderful people I have met this year. They have embraced me with open arms. I would never adequately be able to put in words how welcome I feel. 

One of the most tender moments was when I was talking to Chris' youngest. She asked me if you were still around, if I would bring you to visit too. I assured her I would and she seemed so excited about that prospect. She and her older sister like to look at videos of you. And LOVE to talk about what you were like. They understand pain too my dear and so those moments make it all the more tender. You would love to bug them and I'm not sure if they would like you being around quite as much as they would like to think but I think you would all three get along quite well. 

This year I was released from my calling and it was time. For the first while I didn't know what to do with myself but I have settled into a new normal. I finally feel like I have finished the work I needed to finish in the YSA scene. Having the experience of having you did set me apart from the rest of the people but I learned so much from the sisters I served. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone but it helped me relate a little to things other YSA are going through. At this point I am at cross roads as to where I would best fit--family or YSA. I haven't made up my mind entirely but I feel like both choices are good ones. We'll see in the next couple months where I end up. 

I still have a hard time envisioning myself being a mother to a five year old now. So much has changed, and yet, so much is still the same. I don't feel like I've changed all that much, I know I have but you always look at people who are older than you and think "they seem to have their life together. By the time I'm their age I'll have it all figured out too". How wrong that thinking is! I've realized the older I get the less I feel like I've figured out. Is that how all adults feel? I sure hope so. I have changed and I am not who I once was. But my quirks are still the same. And I think that's actually a good thing. I may not be able to embarrass you here on earth but hey, watching from heaven as I tell your funniest moments is the same thing right? :p. Right.

A couple weeks ago we welcomed Uncle Chris home! Two years flew by and here we are reunited for the first time in three years. I love family. And I love the man who Chris became. He went through a lot on his mission and I know just like you are there for me, you were there for him as well. You are like our own personal guardian angel. Chris asked me a question a month ago about if I had the power to stop your death knowing everything I know now, would I? And I felt like that was a loaded question...I don't have the full answer but I know that I became who I am because of my experiences. I likely would not have met all the people I did, nor would I have been in the callings I was in.  I believe that everything did happen for a reason, as painful as that was. But, having the power to stop your suffering? That would be an incredibly difficult choice, and one I am glad I never had to make. So I guess I never did give him a straight answer, rather I reflected on what your death taught me. I will always wish there was another way to learn the lessons I did...but nothing I do can change the outcome. What I can control is how I live my life. And life is oh so wonderful.

I still have moments where I wish more than anything you were here to share in the day to day life with me. I always thought the longer someone is gone, the easier things become. But, I've learned that grief takes on many forms and no matter how long it's been there will always be an empty space. That sounds daunting doesn't it? :P. But I have accepted and learned to roll with what ever emotions I feel. Some days are better than others. I am just so lucky to have been given the opportunity to be your mother, and that is a title that will never be taken away from me. I was and am still a mother and that is because five years ago today after a strenuous labor I was finally able to hold you in my arms and knew that life would never be the same again. True to those feelings I had then, my life changed. I have never known a deeper love then what I felt that day. It doesn't matter how long it's been, or the distance that separates us, you are my child and I am your mother. And that in itself is something to be celebrated.

I suppose that's it for this letter Ayla. I miss you and hope that in heaven you get a lovely birthday party (do they do that in heaven? I hope so).

Love always,
Mom

Memories

There's days I don't feel like a mother. And to be honest it happens more often than not. In the physical sense I have the scars to prove that I was (am) and I definitely have the poo stained clothes to prove that a little person inhibited them :P. But Ayla's been gone so long that at times I forget that she once was more than a memory, and I once carried her in my arms.

Yesterday Facebook reminded me of the day I found out Ayla was a girl. I remember that day clearly. And even more so I remember how excited I was that my inklings were correct and she was indeed a she. I remember calling my mom first and making plans to buy everything pink. Believe me when I say that she was spoiled before she was even born. Life was difficult at that time and being able to focus my energy on something other than my circumstances. Growing a babe was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.

These are all happy memories. But later on in the evening I started to have a rough time. There are days my arms feel more empty than others. And there are definitely times where the tears flow and I remember Ayla did exist. She was mine and had it not been for her I don't know who I would be or where I would be. She shaped me into someone far stronger than I thought possible.

With Mother's Day coming up in two weeks I have always had a range of emotions. I love everything it stands for; for me it reminds me how wonderful it is to be a mother when so many don't get that opportunity. It was the greatest feeling I have ever experienced. However, it also brings out many other emotions too. I've always found that no one year is the same and going with the flow is the best way I've found to cope. I am often left feeling humbled at how lucky I was to have Ayla around for the four wonderful months I had her. I experienced a lot of things in life and being a mother was the most rewarding.

Do I miss her? Definitely! More than I could ever put into words. Do I wish I could've spent more time with her, been more present, and savored every moment? Every day. I know she knew I gave her everything I had. And those days I question if I was enough I am reminded of her last days when I had so many quiet moments where I could reflect on everything that had happened. I was overcome with the knowledge that she was aware I would've given anything to switch places with her if I could. Anyone who has ever watched a loved one suffer knows the pain of feeling helpless.

One of my favorite scriptures is John 14;27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid". No, I don't always feel that peace or accept it. But it does come. When I was in the hospital I flipped open my scriptures randomly and that was the verse that I turned to. At that time (and may times afterward) it has brought me great comfort.

As we come closer to Mother's Day this year let's try to be more aware of those who may yearn for a babe of their own, those who lost their children too young, and those who don't have a mother to hug. Whatever the circumstance that you find yourself in on Mother's Day know that there are others who may not be experiencing your exact pain, but they are feeling similar things.

One day it'll all be worth the momentary pain you feel. It may not come in your timeline, but it'll come.

Changes

Coming back into YSA was one of the hardest transitions I ever had. To be honest I didn't want to be there and I felt extremely out of place among people who felt young to me. And I admit I was a little cynical about it for a while. I didn't feel like attending activities and all I wanted was to be who I was the first time around and obviously that's not who I was anymore. I had life experiences that I felt no one could relate to (I have since learned that trials can bind all sorts of people together) so I felt lonely among people my age. 

Through different parts of the past four years I've had small, seemingly insignificant changes that made me less anti-social and more positive about YSA in general. I could go into a long winded post on everything that made a difference but I won't bore you with specifics. Just know I recognize them.

One thing I would like to expand on, and really the reason for this post, is the calling I have had for the past year and nine months. For those unfamiliar with church terms, a calling is an assignment that my church gives to each person to not only help it run in a smooth manner, but to help the individual grow. I was the relief society president who is in charge of the women's organization in my ward. Yes, you read that correctly...was. I was released today. 

Going in I was overwhelmed and frankly scared of this responsibility. There's so much that goes into this and knowing that you are in charge of all the sisters is huge. At the time I wasn't going to many activities and was feeling a little lost. Than this calling came. For a while I felt like I was barely keeping on top of things. I didn't feel I was doing enough and it was hard. 

But, as time went on I started to get the hang of it all. And I believe this is what helped me finally feel I fit, not into the typical YSA mould but into one where I was comfortable being. I don't know how it happened but all of a sudden I became the best version of myself. And my confidence level skyrocketed. I grew into the new person I am. Not only that, I accepted it. And found others who needed to hear my personal stories. 

I love the sisters and created a bond with them that I cannot explain. God loves each of his children so very much and I felt of that love constantly through the course of my time in this position. I honestly believe the sisters helped lift me more than I ever did them. I love them. 

I think that nothing ever happens randomly and it was because of this calling I made some wonderful friends. Looking back and where I was and where I am now I am in awe of how lonely I once thought I was. I not only gained friends but I gained sisters. 

Back in November I was at the peak of my calling and began thinking to myself; what am I going to do when I'm released?! I gave everything I had to this. And with nothing else going on in my life I knew it would be a huge loss to me. Maybe I knew then that it was coming to an end...but I refused to acknowledge it :p. Come January however, I started to see why I was feeling that way.

I can only describe it as I was feeling odd. I couldn't see things as clearly as I could previously and I had to work for my inspiration. Everything else was going well; my presidency and I met every week, the sisters were doing okay, we were staying on top of callings and visiting teaching as much as possible, but I just felt different. 

By February my life had really started to change (for the better I assure you). And I started thinking that if I didn't have this calling that I would be okay. I talked to my bishop about it and he told me that he had already started thinking of someone new. So my feelings were merited. 

This brings me to this week. The mantle has passed to another and it's a weird feeling. She's wonderful and exactly who I envisioned taking over. The girls need her and I know she will grow to love them as I do.  I hope they know how wonderful they all are, I wouldn't be who I am without them. I just wish I could've done more, I always want to do more. 

I learned so much from so many different people. And I believe this has helped prepare me for what's to come. At the beginning of the year I chose the word vulnerable as something I would work on this year, I however had no idea how I would be tested in this. I promise God knows what he is doing and he knew this year I needed to open myself up to new people. I like stability, but I feel peace about where life is taking me. And oddly enough the anxieties I normally feel are not there. Which is new. 

This chapter is done but the book is far from over. I can't wait to see what life has in store for me. I'll miss the connection I had with the girls and my leaders but the wonderful thing is, they aren't going anywhere. As with everything in life it morphs and changes as time goes on. 

It'll take time to adjust but I'm happy with where I'm heading. Life is wonderful isn't it? It's the people who you spend it with who make all the difference. I'm so lucky to have the people in my life I do who push me to be better :). 

How Ayla's Stocking Helped #lighttheworld

I realized in the hustle and bustle of Christmas that I never did wrap up my experiences with Ayla's Stocking this year. Of all the years I have done this project, year four was the best. I have never been so humbled. Each year my church does some sort of project associated with Christmas and this year their initiative was #lighttheworld. Essentially every day there was some sort of service activity idea that was given so that we could lift the spirits of those around us through service. 

Naturally I really enjoyed reading and following what each person on my social media page was doing, particularly with their children. It seemed everywhere I looked people were lifting others up. I know very well how much one person can do. Even if they feel that their efforts are inadequate. 

I learned a great deal during my days spent in the Children's Hospital and one was that it is okay to ask for help. And to graciously accept it when given; Ayla's Stocking has shown me that this year once again. I had no clue how many happy tears were heading my way.

Every year it’s been growing and this year I was able to partner with the website justserve.ca to collect donations in Calgary. At home I had sent out my regular fliers in the middle of November and out of nowhere it seemed, I began to receive donations. Some even dropped off anonymously--next year I will catch you and be able to thank you in person!

Over the next month my home began to fill with gifts for the children and they continually grew in number. It always amazes me how much people, if given the opportunity, give to others. It got to the point that we knew that our car was not large enough to transport the gifts to Calgary so we had to rent a SUV to accommodate them. We filled the entire trunk and we hadn't even picked up the gifts from Calgary yet! I don't know what I was expecting but when I arrived at my aunt and uncle's place to gather the toys that had been dropped off there I saw an equal (if not more) amount than we had at my home. There were two wards in Calgary that had kindly donated quite a few items as part of their ward Christmas party festivities. With both places collected we filled the trunks of the SUV,  my uncle's van, plus about $700 in gift cards.

You have no idea what that means to me. To see all those toys and knowing that the kids in the hospital will not only be receiving those gifts, but be able to shop for gifts for their own families, fills my soul with unimaginable joy. As a person who has been on the receiving end of kindness I can attest that it means more then you can imagine. 

This Christmas season I learned lighting the world is not about what one single person can do. Rather what the whole world can do consecutively. If it weren’t for caring and giving people I would not be able to do this. So in reality it wasn’t just me who lit the world…it was all of us in our own ways. 

If I could thank each and every one of you in person I would. My life was drastically changed this day four years ago and I didn't know how I could ever feel joy again. There has not been one day that has gone by that I don't think about my sweet Ayla Carol Jacquline and everything she taught me about unconditional love, patience, and sacrifice. But, despite thinking my life would never feel full again I have found it has turned out more amazing then I could have ever imagined! Every single one of you has touched my life and helped me to see the good in the world. For that, I will never thank you enough.

I'm always sad to wrap up Ayla's Stocking but I can't wait to see what is in store for next year!

I know that Ayla is never far. Typically the days leading up to her angel day are difficult but this year it hasn't been as bad as in previous years. She is always close and I know that she has a hand in my life. And really the ache my heart feels just means she existed. Loved ones never truly leave and that's such a comfort to me. As my cousin Charlotte Wilson said in a blog post four years ago; "Allowing ourselves to experience sorrow opens singular understanding of Christ's sacrifice, and sorrow on behalf of another refines and sanctifies our hearts. Sorrow begets empathy, which evolves into charity. Sorrow is divine, and when we experience it, we must allow it to transform our souls."