Sigh...2022 Already?

 I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired. 

I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others? 

Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store! 

What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know. 

I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought. 

Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :). 

Another Covid Ayla's Stocking

 This year has been flying by and I can't believe that we are a month and a half away from another Christmas! I feel like this year I've been playing catch up and now I am just starting to think about all that the Christmas season brings, including my yearly donation to the hospice in Ayla's name. I have been reflecting a lot on Ayla and her life the last couple weeks as I spend a great deal of time in the hospital with Felix.

I had an experience last week as we were doing a bunch of testing for Felix. One of the tests was a x-ray of Felix's lungs. I had to watch them put him in this tube-like thing so that he wouldn't move. I was waiting outside and as I was listening to my poor boy screaming I looked up to see the sign for MRI and CT scans and my mind went right to those hours spent in that exact spot. I was in the PICU with Ayla so I didn't enter through the usual way to those rooms and this caught me off guard. It took a few minutes of deep breaths to remind myself that I was with Felix in 2021 not with Ayla in 2012. Though Felix's testing was routine and nothing to be concerned about I felt very taken back with memories and with feelings of sadness that it doesn't matter where you are in life, those memories stick. 

Right now with the pandemic still at the forefront of people's minds I know that I"m tired and I can only imagine how isolating those who have immunocompromised children feel. Felix is at a point with his health that I know that if he were to catch a cold he would be fine. For some that's not the case. If Ayla had been sick during covid I would not have had the support I had back in 2012. It would have been Arles and I for three weeks and honestly, I can't imagine doing it alone; I had visitors and I had my family all there to support me. Last year's Christmas was hard, but I feel like this years will be even more difficult for those staying both in the hospice, and the hospital. 

As with everything else, covid had changed how we do things so this year's Ayla's Stocking will be different as well. My usual list is much smaller but my contact said that now more than ever, they really need these donations. Covid has hit many families hard and with so many in and out of work they can't afford or even have the mental capacity to handle very hard diagnosis'. 

This year they are requesting:

    -Gift cards of any kind (Walmart, Michaels, Toys R Us, Starbucks, Tim Horton's)

    -New toys in the package

They can't take any clothes or books at this time. A good rule of thumb is, as long as it's easily able to be sanitized, it's okay to give. I plan to deliver them mid December, I'm just waiting on Felix's bronchoscopy procedure appointment to know for sure when I will be there next. 

I hope that next year we can get back to "normal" but I thank you for your help through not only my hard times, but other's as well. The best way I have found to help my mental health, is to reach out to others when I can. Please find someone to serve this holiday season. We all need it :).

Mother's Day 2021

It seems that the longer I am an adult, the more I learn about motherhood and womanhood in general. It seems like as a child, and for me, even as a teenager I thought about all the grand parts of having children in my life. I mean, they are pretty cute, and of course they will just love you all the time. The tiny tantrums and sleepless nights will be minuscule compared to the hours of love and affection you get. And of course, you will love it all the time. 

Not to burst any bubbles, but it's not fun all the time. There are so many days that I question if I am even doing a good enough job. I have two teenagers and one baby who's needs are vastly different, trying to give any child exactly what they need has been a steep learning curve. Aside from being a stepmom and being thrown right in, I also got thrown into being a mom to a medical needs child. Most days it's okay, but others I am left feeling defeated.

I always thought moms had it together. They knew exactly what to say and they knew how to be patient and kind even when things were crazy. Then I became a mom. Boy was I wrong. I wonder if the way I handle things will lead to my child talking about me in therapy one day and if I am fostering an environment where they feel loved. I do know that I'm doing my best and that likely I won't screw them up too much. But I have had some really low moments over the last year. We all have. 

When I started thinking about this post a month ago I thought about all the lessons I had learned that I didn't want to but than I remembered how much I wanted this. When Ayla died I would cry and cry thinking that I had been wronged. How the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Here I am eight years later doing exactly that. 

I first had to navigate how to feel like a mother with other peoples children and I learned that being a mother is so much more than biology. It is loving and caring for those around you like you would your own family. My job was so good for that, I learned that in those I cared for eyes, I was a role model and a safe place. And I didn't always like it, but I always loved it. 

Now I have the same mentality; I don't always like it, but I will always love it. I sometimes don't handle it the best, I sometimes question my sanity, and I am not perfect. But I think that showing that isn't all bad, my kids know that no matter what, I choose to be there every day. Especially with my two oldest they didn't come to me in the traditional way, I choose to be their mom and although they may not like me sometimes, and I definitely struggle with attitude being thrown my way, I still love them. 

So this Mother's Day I want to remind you that

•  You don't need to be perfect
• You don't have to feel like you need to like it all the time
• It's okay to have off days
• Biology is a small part in motherhood
• You can do this

I hope that next year we woman can hug and support each other more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day whether you're a mom through your own children, or in your heart. 

2021: Please be Better

 Looking back I realized last year I never made a word of the year. I always meant to but between nearing the end of my pregnancy, than everything that came after I just got swept up in life and survival mode. Honestly 2020 was not the best year for me. I learned many lessons for sure but not one thing I planned went my way. Even going into this year I just feel tired. I believe we can all relate, 2020 just about did us all in and the way it ended here didn't leave much hope that this year will be better. Mental health wise we all took a hit and speaking for myself I really struggled. As if Covid wasn't enough adding the fact that during this year only one parent was allowed to go for Felix's appointments at the CF clinic was extremely difficult and overwhelming, not that Chris would come to many otherwise, but those first few months there wasn't one appointment that I didn't leave feeling defeated. I think the only time I felt more anxious and alone was 2012 but at least then I was able to feel arms around me engulfing me in a hug. This year lacked the human need of touch, we were all robbed of that. I hope that we can regain that ability soon.  

Okay, enough of the doom and gloom because there's enough of that out there. 2020 also held some really great moments. I was able to bring my son into the world, and it never ceases to amaze me what the body can do. Even now I look at him and wonder how I was able to grow this tiny person with his own personality; he truly has been my light this year. Even on my worst days I had him relying on me for his every need and the smile on his face when I go to get him always brought me a smile. He is such a sweet baby and we were lucky to have him. Chris was also able to be here for all the special moments he otherwise would have missed out on. Not to mention Felix adores him. I always knew that Felix would be his shadow but it's neat to see that come through. He loves his daddy. 

Because of 2020 lockdowns Melissa and Kaylee were able to spend so much time with not only Chris and I, but Felix as well. I was young when my siblings were born and I know that in the long run the girls will take the lessons they learned in our home during this time to heart. I was able to have some real conversations and talk through some hard things. I'm not a perfect mother and they saw that first hand, it's scary but I think it's so important that they see that I'm human too and I have some scars that I still have to work through. They struggled too. All of us were used to at least a little time apart with sleepovers and friend dates but we were forced to spend A LOT of time together. I hope that when they become adults they look back and are grateful that we spent so much time together. 

Felix didn't know what he was missing because for him masks and distancing was normal. I hate to say this is a precursor for what CF may one day bring him but it's opened my eyes to how vigilant we have to be about hygiene. Washing hands, staying home when ill, and sanitizing high traffic areas like doorknobs and light switches is second nature now. My only regret with Felix is that he hasn't learned to socialize with other babies. I think for all covid babies it'll be a shock when they suddenly are thrown into situations where they have to share and play. It's pretty sad actually that these kids are learning to be afraid of others rather than just being able to play and interact. Children learn so much from play, I hope that Felix will be able to learn this skill soon. 

Now, for 2021 my word is health. My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health. 

I neglected my mental health so much last year that it messed with my ability to function normally. Not only that, but I felt I couldn't reach out because we weren't allowed to be within 6 feet of each other. Even my counsellor was told in March that unless there was a suicidal client that they were not suppose to take anyone on. That didn't sit well with her so she gave me her number in case I needed her. It took until May for me to have a meeting with her and then by November it was back to what it was. So this year I am going to try to listen to what my body is telling me and seek out help even if I feel silly for doing so. To this day I doubt anyone other than my family truly knew how bad I was getting. 

To go along with that is my physical health. With a baby it's really hard to take time for yourself at the best of times. But I felt the need to be super mom and my physical health suffered because of it. I take full responsibility for how I pushed myself but sometimes all you need is a nap and some veggies. And my girls and Chris are fully capable of making their own lunches. I allowed my perfectionist ways to trump what my body is telling me. Already I told them that there will be times that I will take some time for myself and not have all the dishes done, laundry in the wash, and Felix's toys picked up. I've already taken some steps to improve how I feel about myself, and already feel better for it!

Last is spiritual health. Much of how I feel rides on my ability to connect to God and not that it's for everyone, but for me I love worshiping with others. Pretty much from the time I gave birth until now I have had a disconnect from God. This is hard to explain but honestly I was angry that after everything thrown both Chris and my way he would add what I felt was a death sentence to my son (I have since learned that there is so much hope for him but at the time all I knew was my cousin died from CF). I was looking forward to feeding off others spirits while I regained my faith, then things shut down and I wasn't able to do that anymore. It's been a struggle and many nights of going through the motions. I feel Him more than I did in March but I'm still working to get back to where I was before this all happened. I know He loves me and is fully aware of my struggles but I hope that as I focus more on rebuilding that trust that I come out stronger than I was before. 

Well, that was a novel and kudos to you if you made it this far. So really I just hope that by this time next year we will all be able to say that we made it out in one piece. If you are feeling alone like I was please reach out and know that you are not alone. 

Let's make 2021 better! 

Covid Ayla's Stocking

This year has been so strange, looking back it's hard to believe that from March until now we have lived in a state of fear from a pandemic that swept the nation so fast. It’s been extremely stressful and in thinking about what Ayla’s Stocking would look like this year, I wondered if it would even be possible, so when someone I know from church reached out I knew it was a sign that despite everything going on, I need to still run it. I contacted the person who I know from my days at the hospice and asked her if it was something I could still do, because for me it would be heartbreaking to not be able to help this year. She said with some boundaries in place it was still possible. 

Having Felix in my life makes me appreciate how lucky I truly am, he’s been well taken care of and even though I have monthly appointments, he’s thriving. Not all parents are so lucky. Even if the world has shut down, there are still families that are suffering and maybe even more so than ever before. The hospital implemented a rule shortly after covid broke out that only one parent is allowed in the hospital at a time, and no siblings what so ever. Can you imagine how isolating that would be? Not only is your child ill, but you have to sit there alone with them. I know that when I was in the hospital alone with Felix that it was hard, especially when I received his official diagnosis I was alone in the room at the time. It was one of the more difficult times of my life. 

It seems like so much time has passed but at the same time, no time at all. Being at the hospital monthly has given me even more empathy for those who have medically fragile children. I see the families that go in there and I see the look of exhaustion in the parent's eyes. Sometimes I even see someone in the parking lot eating in their car because the other parent is inside with their child. I have so much respect for those who are there all day every day. 

With Ayla and now with Felix I know that I can't take anything for granted. Life is so precious and every moment matters. Having the strength to move forward takes incredible faith and I hope that especially this year, riddled with fear and loneliness, that the people in the hospice, as well as the hospital know that they will never be alone. There is always someone who cares and who wishes they could just wrap their arms around them allowing them to let go of all the built up stress. 

My hope is that this year we can give even more. Not that people don't need to know they are loved before, but this year has been so hard on so many. I just hope that these gifts will allow them to feel a giant hug around them when this virus prevents even the most natural of instincts. 

This year because I go to the children's hospital every month anyway I decided to combine the two, so I will be collecting things until December 1st. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year it is my hope that we can give what we can and make sure the end of this very odd year can be a good one for these families. 

Hope and Healing

 Here’s the thing, I am a pretty open book, almost to the point where I can over share and it comes across as a bit robotic. It’s not that I am trying to be, but sometimes as you share the same story over and over you start to state facts in a way that it no longer brings you pain. But, once in a while the feelings come through and you are reminded that the story you are telling was real. And that those memories did in fact happen and they were painful.I found a photo from eight years ago. The girl I was in that photo is not the one I am today. I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do as I am rocking my sweet babe to sleep (I like to cuddle him when he falls asleep) and this photo came up in my many click heres, click this person, click this album, BAM. Then the flood of memories came. How that 20 year old had no clue the hell she was about to endure. She was love struck and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was what she was suppose to do. It was right and I still don't question that. 

.

No one thinks that as they are dancing on the floor hours after being married that "hey, this is great, but in one year you will be recovering from mastitis surgery at your parents. You'll have a child but your husband and you will not be together anymore. And oh yeah, by the end of the next year, your baby will be dying and you'll be soaking every last moment you have with her". No, you'll be thinking how wonderful that temple sealing was. How you are finally bound for eternity with a man who loves you and you love him. You have so much hope for the future. Those are the thoughts that go through your head. 

I don't want this to be a post that you leave thinking that I am bitter and angry. Again, my story happened and it was so hard. However, now I can share some of the things I learned. I get so saddened when I hear women say that they are afraid of the judgement that will come at church--particularly YSA. How they are used goods and that because they are divorced that obviously they are not living up to the covenants they made. That is NOT TRUE. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly but honestly, sometimes it's the only option. You should not be ashamed that this is what your life is. 

I have always believed that this life is meant to bring joy. There is pain for sure, but I cannot get behind a God that willingly tells his children to stay in a bad situation because they were sealed in the temple. It is my belief that as long as you are both willing to fight, that you should. But there comes a point where it's okay to let go. For me, I was becoming a shell of who I once was. I didn't talk to my friends, and I was fighting hard because at 21 I felt that I made a commitment and I was going to stick to it. I put everything I had into it and I think that readied me for my marriage now. 

I was young and didn't understand how hard even the best marriages are. It takes work. Every day. I am the first to admit that I had issues too. But, through my experiences I learned who I wanted to be. I am still soft spoken, but you can bet that I am not a floor mat. After my first marriage I took a hard look at who I was attracting through my actions and I realized that upon re-entering the dating scene I was still attracting people who were drawn to me because of my wiliness to see them for the potential they had, not who they currently were. That's a gift I would like to think is unique but I also knew that often those men needed to fix themselves first and I was not willing to put myself through that again. I can put up with a lot, but pornography was not one of those things. 

My current husband Chris has been through a great deal himself, but I have always appreciated how straight I can be with him on the things that really matter. From the beginning our relationship has been about talking it through and he is very good at seeing when I start to retreat within myself. I look at the joy I have now and am grateful that I went through what I did. It changed me, but it helped me become so much stronger than I could've ever imagined. This weekend was my churched semi-annual general conference where our leaders give us messages of healing and hope. As I looked at the family I have now tears began to stream down my face and I reflected on how broken I felt eight years ago. I didn't think I would ever find someone willing to except me for who I am. There was so much baggage that I felt no one would put up with how my husband lovingly put it "the crazy". He was joking but we had a good talk on how we knew each other so well that nothing changed once we got married. He knew I can sometimes be a tad emotional...just a touch. And he can be a bit grumpy sometimes. 

It is my hope that anyone in the midst of a divorce can see me and know that although people will look down on you, there will be many others who will not. God loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy. Whether that's marriage or single it doesn't matter. Pray and move forward in what ever direction you feel is right for you and forget anyone else. There is only one person who has the whole picture, he knows your heart and the reasoning behind your choices. Take comfort in knowing that one day you will look back and see that life has a funny way of becoming so much better than you can imagine. 

Eight Years

My dearest Ayla girl,

You would have been eight today little miss and I look back at how far I have come in my journey since your birth. I have three more children, a husband, and a wonderful life. I keep thinking how blessed I am to have carried (and lost) you. I would obviously have wanted to right here with me, but you taught me some really hard lessons that has helped me parent now. I have so much to learn and work through, but I find that I am more present with my other three because I never know what tomorrow could bring. 

You would have been baptized this year. That is a huge step and one I know would have been wonderful to witness. Covid has pretty much wrecked everything this year, but I think one huge blessing through all this, is that we are able to join with family through technology in those sacred moments. Just this last weekend your second cousin Asher was baptized, and although I missed it, it's neat that he was able to share that moment with family near and far. I was able to share Felix's blessing day with people this weekend who would not otherwise been able to come. I am so lucky to have a child close to you in age so that I can see where you would have been. I still think of you as a baby but you would not be that way anymore. You would definitely have opinions and I know that you and I would likely not see eye to eye on some things. I'm not blinded into thinking that you would perfect, but the more time that goes by, the more I wish you were here for those small family moments. 

This year has been really strange. It started with bringing your baby brother into the world in February and has been non-stop surprises since. I was told while you were still here that you would teach my future children about me, and I hold onto that fact. You knew that Felix would be born with his health issues and I beg you to stay by his side through it. So far he has been doing great but I think the unknown still scares me. Losing you was hard. Thinking about what lie ahead for him is almost too much. I guess I just thought that because of everything both Chris and I endured in the past, that we would have this one part of our lives that would be free from pain. Felix is near perfect and I can't believe how lucky we are to have him here. But, my mom heart hurts. I just want him to stay healthy and the one drug that could significantly change his life is still unavailable to us here. I pray that in the years to come that it will be accessible here. I am doing everything I can to raise awareness for it.  

I still have really hard days where I question if I am doing this right. I know it probably bugs Chris but jumping in and raising two teenage girls has been difficult sometimes. They are both in junior high and are starting out on those crucial years of lots of choices. I try my best to find that balance of parent, and someone they feel comfortable talking to. Girls in particular have lots of drama during those years. I know you would have added to the chaos but I would like to think, that you would be there for them as well as me. I have a hard time with the attitude sometimes and there is plenty of that in our home. 

How can I post this letter without bringing up Covid. I have lots of feelings and opinions that I could get into. But I won't. Just know that it has thrown a wrench into my ideas of how the last few months should've gone. Never would I have thought that one week after finally bringing home Felix, that I would be homeschooling the girls. I didn't get one week to just relax and finally allow myself to recover from birth. I went from the hospital, to running the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning), to homeschooling and having everyone home in three weeks. I love your brother and stepsisters, but I just wanted to have time to relax. I still haven't got that chance. There is always a long list of to-dos and I rarely get time to just read a book.  You would have been in grade two so I am sure that it would have been even more work to have a grade 1, 6, and 8 to have studies to help with. Luckily the girls really stepped up and most of the time did their school work without me having to watch them constantly. 

Overall though, life is so good. I love being a mom, and being able to watch Felix grow from babyhood has been such a blessing. I am finally able to prove to myself that I can be a good baby mom. It's not easy, but at least I have your step-dad here to help me out. 

Who knows what this upcoming year will bring, but know that I still wish you were here to ride it out with me. 

Happy birthday sweetheart.

Love,

Mom