Given that this is partly a journal for me I feel that it's important to write all major steps and changes in my life. Yesterday I received the phone call that gave me permission to move on. To close a very important chapter to my life.
To write all the feelings I had in that instant is impossible. I have felt everything imaginable in the past two weeks and for a day or two there I wasn't sure if this was going to end. Patience isn't a strength for me. But after telling The Lord all I want us to move on when HE thinks I should I finally got my prayers answered.
Yesterday I felt everything. Even a couple hours ago I didn't know if I am truly ready. But right now I feel peace. I don't know exactly how to describe it but for the first time I feel...free.
I have no idea what my plan is. Or even how quick things will happen for me. But I do know that what ever is in store is going to make me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with baby Ayla having a say in the way life will turn out? :) I am so excited to see what's in store!
PS: A huge thank you to everyone who cares so much about me! I have felt of your love and support :)
4.23.2013
4.16.2013
Three Months Later
Dear Ayla,
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.
I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.
There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.
I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.
I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.
The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.
I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.
There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.
I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.
I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.
The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom
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