Celebration of Life

Today I set foot in the very place where my daughter lived out some of her final days. I sat in a room full of people who have also lost their child, I watched as picture by picture popped up on the screen of children who have lost their life. There were eighty children who died in that hospital this past year. Eighty! 

Every year the hospital holds what they call "A Celebration of Life, Honnoring the Children". It was so weird to be back there, it seems like the time I spent there was a totally different life. One that doesn't even seem like it was real. I walked those halls every day, ate in that  cafeteria  every meal time, I lived there. Walking in there brought back so many memories. 

But even so I realized that in spite of everything that I've been through I am actually doing okay. I do have my days but the happiness is more evident then the sad. I love Ayla. She will always be a part of who I am. She continues to teach me so much and I'm grateful that unlike some of the people in that room today, I know where she is. 

I hope that those people find peace someday :)

On a side note Chris was in Annie this past week as Mr. Bundles the laundry man, and Drake the butler. His personality always comes out on stage and he is hilarious. He did an awesome job! If I had a good picture I'd put one up but mine came out fuzzy. I am proud of him :)

I Am a Mother

Today is Mother's Day. To many it brings great joy and reminds us of the great women in our lives. I'm blessed to have a great mother who taught me all I know. She is the best of the best and I love that there is a whole day to celebrate her. I love her.

But today was hard. Instead if waking up to cooing and maybe even a nice homemade mothers gift. My house was quiet. Ayla's room empty. Instead of picking up my sweet baby girl, I went to a grave to visit her. It was an emotional morning.

I am a mother. I know what it's like to have a little person who brings you more joy then you can imagine. I know how in an instant your life changes, and you don't even mind. Waking up in the middle of the night is exhausting, but when you see her smile when you come in, you smile too. Your whole life takes on new meaning. You would give anything and everything for your child. I understand. 

I wish that I didn't have to be sad today. I know it's not what Ayla would want. She's safe, and that's all I can ask for. I know that no matter what, she will always be mine. 

And I know that what ever happens,

I am forever a mother 

Mom

Monday was my moms birthday. To be honest words cannot express how much I love her, she has been there through everything. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who I can talk to. And laugh with :). She has taught me all I know. Without her I would not be doing as well as I am now. She's the best and I love her so much :) I look forward to continue to be taught by this great woman! 

<3

Laura Dunford :)

I was on Facebook today and realized that it was my friend Laura's birthday. Although I don't see her often I read about her life on her blog. She is fantastic. She was my efy counsellor at one point but she is now my friend.

But as I sent her a message I re-read our old conversation. The last time I talked to her is when I was in Calgary with Ayla. One particular night she brought me some sushi. That night in particular was a very difficult night...it was when we really knew Ayla would be leaving us soon. The doctor had told us that Ayla needed another MRI because of her continued seizures. I KNEW she was going to die. It was one of the hardest nights I had ever had.

Emotions were so high, and that night Laura came and sat with me in my exhausted state. I don't believe that she will ever know how much this meant to me. It was at that point that I knew that no matter how many years has gone by people don't stop caring.

So today I want to wish Laura a very happy birthday! I am so blessed to have her as a friend :)

<3