Ayla's Second Birthday Letter

Dearest Ayla,

It has been a long time! I cannot believe today was suppose to be your second birthday...it's strange that so much time has passed. Time is a funny thing, no matter how much or little you do...it moves on. Sometimes quite suddenly. 

Somedays it's hard to remember that you were actually a living, breathing baby once, all I have is pictures and luckily some videos but everything has faded. I wish this wasn't the case but there are days where I forget that it wasn't always like this, that there was a time where you occupied every moment of everyday. But there are moments where I remember. And those moments prove that you are always near and wish for those moments too. I'm sure you miss them just as much as I do. I felt you so strong in the temple Ayla, you and others on the other side brought me to tears! Oh how I miss that connection with you sometimes. 

I say this all the time but I miss you so much. What I've come to grips with is that no matter what I will always miss you and shed tears over you. My life is not going as I had ever planned it, but it's made me into the person I am. And I love who I am. Truly.  

Ayla, there is a conversation I had a few months ago with a dear friend's mother. We talked about you and the trial with your dad and she asked "if you could go back and have chance to not have to endure the pain you did, would you?" My answer was a resounding no, I would live that hell over and over if I got the opportunity to have you even for four months. I would not change a thing Ayla and I hope you know that. I love you so much that I would gladly do everything over. You taught be so much and it was truly a privilege to spend time with you. 

And without you I would not be the strong person I have become. I would not know the things I do, and I would definitely not learned how you can love someone with every fibre of your being. You are the best thing that could've happened to me. The more time that passes the more I understand that even with the veil separating us, we still communicate. There has not been one night that I haven't whispered before I went to bed a "good night Ayla, I love you". I may not always be consciously thinking about you but you are always there.

What used to bring me pain, what triggers I used to have don't bother me as much anymore. There was a time that I wanted everyone in YSA to know my story, just so I could be open. But now I know that not everyone is ready to hear about you, and if a comment is made such as "none of us know what it's like to be a mother" or "we don't understand what being a parent is about yet" it's okay because I know that not everyone knows my story and how can they be sensitive to those statements if they don't know. 

Nothing much has changed since last time I wrote. I still live in town and I am still in YSA. I am just trying to do everything I can to keep busy and it works. I find I am much happier when I feel productive and I find that people are more open to talking about you then I thought. I misjudge sometimes. And I shouldn't. 

Eric left on his mission in July...it's crazy how he hasn't been here for a month and it seemed to fly by. It's strange that he will be gone for two years but I can't wait to see the person he will become. You'll help him right? I know you will be there for him as much as he needs you to be :) thank you in advance miss Ayla. 

I attended efy as a councelor this year, it's something I always wanted to do and am so happy I did! I met some fantastic youth and got the opportunity to share this wonderful gospel on a daily basis. If I'm still around next summer I will definitely do it again. Through efy I gained new friendships and met unique people. It was amazing. I even shared a little about you ;). 

I also have some other news...I changed jobs. My daycare threatened to shut down and as I contemplated my options the school I graduated from called and asked if I wanted a last minute interview for an aid position. I didn't even apply but somehow I got the interview...then the job. I miss my little ones like crazy but I feel like this has been a much needed change for me. 

It's only my second day and I'm still feeling odd. But I hope by June I will feel more like Ms. O'Brien and less like Teacher Julie. Both are great titles, but I feel too young to be considered a teacher. I'm not actually, but I feel like it :P.  When I went to pick up my schedule I got asked by a teacher if I was in Grade 12...I guess I just look young. I responded with "no, I'm actually working here as an aid". Poor guy. But there will come a time that I appreciate looking younger then I am. 

I also finished my level two course...it only took me what? Three and a half years? I can't believe how silly I was back then but the point is I have it now. It's part of the reason I got my new job. 

Chris is in his last year of high school...it's insane! How can both brothers be so old? By next summer I will have both brothers on a mission. It's hard to fathom actually. Grandma and grandpa are doing great as well :) they both miss you, but like everyone else they are moving forward as well. I know you are right here with all of us individually. And you always will be. 

My perspective has certainly changed and I like I made some progress this year. I'm mostly feel like as I take one step forward, I take two steps back but somehow I've ended up better then I would have thought. I have felt you on a number of occasions and I know you are front and center in my life. As your birthday approached I didn't feel sad. I know how happy you are and I know that this is the way things had to be. Funny how that works. 

I'm sorry we didn't get grass on your grave again...it seemed that summer just flew by and it's sad to say, but it felt like I lost track of time. It's already September! Before you know it it'll be Christmas again. Hopefully this Christmas doesn't hurt as much as last.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm hoping to do Ayla's Stocking Project again :) there will be more to come in a bit but I know you'll be excited that we will be giving again. It turned out so well last year :) let's just hope this year is even better! I'm sure that the hospital will appreciate it again. And the children of course. 

Well Ayla that's all I have for now...I think later on we are having cupcakes in your honnor, I'm sad that you are not here again but it'll be okay. I love you sweetheart and hope that you are doing well up in heaven. 

All my love, 

Mom

Especially For Youth 2014

There is so much to say about my week and I have been struggling to find the words. I learned far more from the kids then I could've ever learned on my own. I was truly humbled at the trials the kids face as well as their strength at facing them. Going in I was terrified, I deal with small children...not small adults and trying to figure out a way to open my soul so completely was difficult. I found that I have some walls up and allowing people in is hard for me, harder then I thought it would be. But I found that the kids and my co-councelor Tyler helped me to feel comfortable enough to open up.

As soon as I got the list of girls, and later met with Tyler to review the boys, I had so much love for them. I felt God's love for them and knew that he was intrusting me with his beautiful daughters and sons. I was truly humbled. Throughout the week I grew close to them and knew they have far greater potential then they can imagine and they are a mighty force. It wasn't until Thursday that I heard more deep stories and heard their personal trials. It is so heartbreaking to know what they face everyday but I know they are strong and they can do this. I keep saying this but they are truly amazing :).

I watched them grow in th gospel and grow closer to each other. There is nothing in the world that made me more proud. It was funny that every time Tyler or I called them friends they would yell back "FAMILY!" and they were right, we are a family and I love each of them like they are my brothers and sisters. They taught me so much and it was a privilege to be able to learn from them. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they did for me and the confidence they gave me to know that I can be a good teacher and maybe I can be a good mother to teenagers someday. I still have learning to do but I'm getting there.

This week I learned how to teach, and share my testimony while having fun. I went as a participant for five years. But being a councelor is a whole different experience, as a participant you get engulfed in the spirit and there really isn't much to have to do but show up and let the spirit teach you. But as a councelor I was the one preparing the lessons and I found that no matter how much I prepared I never really said everything I had planned to. I think it's much like a mission, you learn to rely on the spirit and only then will you say the things that you were suppose to, it was amazing to be able to experience that. Through the week I learned how to draw close to God and realized that he really does tell you what to say and when to say it to best teach a concept. It's amazing.

I had a lot of fun too. EFY is great for that, combining the spirit with fun. I don't know if I have laughed that much in a long time :P. There was everything from games to killing each other everywhere and anywhere, to a cupcake war...that was fun but ended in a few stains...oops. I had fun watching the young men and woman bond throughout the week. I really couldn't help but love them all. It's amazing to me that EFY can bring together such different personalities and people then by the end of the week everyone is so close. Our song for the week was Lean on Me and I found that perfectly fitting, we all at one time or another need someone to lean on and it was great that we learned to trust and lean on each other. I even leaned on their strength. It was great to be able to experience the Christ-like love that comes when you draw closer to others.

I love this program so much and I was so honored to be among the people there. I also need to mention my amazing co-councelor. He was laid back and picked up the slack when need be, he was exactly what the kids and I needed and I was so grateful for everything he did. My week would not have been the same without him :).

I had an amazing experience and was so glad to be there. I know that EFY is an inspired program and I loved every minute of it. Now that it's over I need to settle back into real life :P. But at least I have a few new friends to share it with!