Well it's been a while, a year to be exact since I last snuggled you. I can't believe it Ayla. This year has flown by and I don't know how. I've been told the first year is the hardest, you're dealing with a year of firsts without your loved one, and for the most part I'm okay. There are days where I am sad, which is normal I'd say :P but the tears don't flow as often. It was hard re-living those painful memories again. You can't really put any expectations on how it'll actually turn out emotion wise, but I have been going with the flow and letting the tears flow as they need too. There's no point to keeping my emotions bottled up. It doesn't help.
New Year's Eve was a tough one for me. I went to the YSA dance and was having a good time. When it was midnight I teared up but nothing major...until I got home. I cried and cried and cried. I'm pretty sure I haven't cried that much in months. I remembered where I was last New Year's Eve and broke. All the emotions came flooding back and I just couldn't stop. I was lucky that I have such great friends. Even though it was two in the morning Patricia stayed up with me, and two friends came to give me a blessing. All of them stayed with me until I was calm enough to sleep, which turned out to be four...I'm lucky that people care!
I am so grateful for the people I have in my life. I'm sure you were right there too, telling me that even if I can't see you, it doesn't mean you're not there. This experience also made me realize that sometimes I put on too much of a mask. I don't like to cry, and most importantly I don't let other people see me cry. But I'm human just like the rest of the world. And sometimes my mask drops and people get to see me, the real me. It's a unique opportunity.
Even at work I've had a bit of a rough time. Last Tuesday I sat in my classroom just after nap and realized how much I wish you were here with all my friends (yes the one year olds are my friends...they are pretty fabulous), then a little girl from a different classroom came in. She gave me the strangest look then plopped on my lap until nap was over, later on she gave me the same look. Again she sat on my lap, when I asked her if she wanted to play she shook her head, I then asked if she just wanted to cuddle for a bit and she nodded. She probably sat with me for about an hour that day.
It's exactly what I needed that day! I love how children can sense the emotions going on in my head when no one else can. That silly little girl almost made me cry. But I think she just cares, and I care about her :)
YSA has been treating me well. I feel like I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and I'm glad. I still feel a little out of place but I believe that I will never truly belong. I have some experiences that set me apart from everyone else there. And that's okay. I think that people need to hear them, even if it's uncomfortable. I am still finding that medium between sharing my story and sitting back while others share theirs, but if I feel the need to say something, I do.
I wish that people would be a little less awkward about you though. I am slowly trying to get people to understand that bringing up you and my past marriage will not shatter me. A year ago I was pretty shaken up, I had so many walls up and very few people could reach me. I've learned a few things about myself and my relationship with The Lord since then. And am stronger for it. All of my past is an important part of who I am. And always will be. When it comes to you I love sharing. I'm sure I sometimes talk a little too much about you, but as I said, you're part of my past, present, and future. No matter what things come my way you'll always be important to me.
I have finally reached the point where I am happy with where I'm at. A couple months ago I was so desperate for life to move forward in the way I wanted and when it wasn't going according to my timeline that I was getting frustrated. But I am finally being happy with me. My life is so good. Yes I wish things would have turned out different, and this is not the life I planned but it's what I got. And I've accepted it. It's a daily struggle as I'm sure you know, but I try.
I had an experience just after Christmas, I met a wonderful girl who has hit some of the same challenges as I dealt with about two years ago (has it really been that long since this all started? Crazy). Meeting and talking with her made me realize how far I've come. I remember asking myself if life would ever get better. If I could ever be happy again. Then I lost you too...but you know what? I'm okay! I hope that the sweet friend I met can look at my other friend and I, and see that it does get better, and the pain that seems unbearable now will eventually dull. It just takes time.
Sometimes I believe we have experiences to help others. That's what I intend to do. And you'll be there to give spiritual support. As you always have.
As I look back on the last year I'll be honest, I'm surprised at how I've grown. I have more confidence in myself and in my judgment. I know that I am a great person and deserve the very best in my life. I also know there are good people out there. I see the good in others but I'm more careful about certain things now. As I should be.
I know that you are never far :) and it's through your death that I gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't remember the sacrifice that was made on my behalf. If it wasn't for Christ I would never hope to see you again. You were perfect, and I unfortunately have a long way to go before I reach your level. But I can with help :) it's such a wonderful concept.
I love you miss Ayla. And I miss you terribly. But I'm learning to move forward, one step at a time. You're always near and I know that you'll be here when I need you to be. I'm your mother and your my daughter. I am so grateful that we're sealed for all time and eternity. And that I had the opportunity to have you in my life. You have brought nothing but blessings and understanding to me and I can never repay you for what you helped me to become. Someday I'll thank you in person but for now this will have to do.
Love always,
Mom <3
