I Really Don't Want to Write This

I don't know how to write this post. For most it'll come as a shock, or maybe people have caught on I'm not sure. This has always been my journal in a way so I have the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well it's probably the hardest post I've composed thus far so I'm going to just come out and say it...Arles and I are not together. *Shutters* even writing that is hard.

We've been growing apart for some time now and it pains me to know how happy we once were. But people change and those changes causes two people to go in seperate directions. I'm not here to be bitter and angry or even rave on how it's not my fault. Deciding to get married involves two people and so divorce also involves two people. I made my mistakes and he made his.

I know people are probably thinking "I told you so" but no one truly understands the experiences that brought us together just how no one will truly know what drove us apart. Judge if you must but I know that it was right a year ago. Numerous blessings have told me that, however it's not right anymore and although it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion myself, I did reach it.

I will never pretend this never happened (not that I can, we have a child together) but my only wish is that I can raise my daughter in such a way that she will know that mom and dad did love each other and we both love her very much. Arles will always be her father and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you know what the hardest part of all this is? Feeling like a failure. This is not how things are suppose to go. This is not how I wanted to raise a child. I look around me at all the happy couples and I admit I sometimes get extremely sad and have to leave a wedding (which I did...sorry Meg!), or church, or even pull myself together at a bridal shower because I know what we had and know the special experiences couples experience and knowing that I once had those things and now I don't is extremely sad. I'm not angry, for the sake of my daughter I will never allow myself to get that way. I've seen the effects of anger and have found it solves nothing.

With all that said I know where my focus is now. It's on me and the baby. As it should be. It's not her fault that we split and I will never speak ill of Arles. Never. Like I said she came from two people who did love each other and to a certain extent we always will. I wish the best for him and all I want is him to be happy. However I would ask a favor...please pray for me, I'm having a hard time. I need to be able to deliver this baby and I can't if I'm stressing about my personal life. Anyways like I said it's just me and her now. And I really can't wait to meet her.

So there you have it, who I've been so silent in the blog world the past little while. I know that things will get easier with time but right now I would perfer if you have any questions to just ask me personally. I may be hurting but I can talk about it.

Letter to Baby Girl

I've been meaning to do this for a while but being Julie I haven't yet :P A part of me is nervous to be speaking to a child. My child mind you. But I know that in the future I'll look back on this and be grateful I did. So here it goes;

Dear Baby Girl,

Being your only a few weeks away from coming into this world I thought I should write to you. It seems so strange to be writting as a mother...I don't know how to even begin. Well I guess I'll begin by saying that your dad and I love you so much (always remember that, life will be rough and there will be times when you don't think we do). We're excited to see your little face and for you to join this world. But we're scared too. No one writes a book on how to be the perfect mother, and to be honest I have very little idea what I'm doing. I'm only twenty one :P I take this job very seriously and want you to know that I have and will always try my best. But don't blame me for mistakes I may make.

You already have been a great strength to me. I love feeling you move inside me and know that you are very much there. In times when I'm sad or upset I love that I can just reach down and feel you. I love you so much and can't wait to hold you in my arms. It's strange to think your dad and I created you. This tiny little person sent from heaven specifically for us. I can't tell you the overwelming feeling of responsibility I feel knowing that God has put you here for me to raise you. It's a pretty hefty job but like I said I'll try my best.

I hope to always teach you that the biggest goal in life is the temple. I have found so much strength and power from attending the temple and I hope you will too. Even from the begining I have always felt closest to you inside that beautiful house. That's where you want to be my little one. I hope to not only tell you this often but show you through my actions.

You have many people who already love you. Uncle Eric likes to feel my belly (you?? I don't know what's my space anymore. You are in my body right now so he's trying to feel you but it's through me). Uncle Chris tried to give you Teddy Grahams the other day. You kick them off my belly. Grandma and Grandpa O'Brien like to watch you move too. Grandma can't wait to show you fireworks...you didn't really like them before you were born...dad's games made you jump as well :P. Dad is about the only one who can calm you down. You respond to his touch in way that you don't respond to me. He loves you baby girl and loves to read stories to you :). You have family in BC who also love you very much. They're pretty excited to meet you. You'll be loved by everyone.

Now for more advice. Be strong; this world is a scary one and there are people here and on the other side who will try to lead you astray. They will do anything to have you, try any means to make you fail on this journey, but I have felt of your sprit and know that you are far stronger then I am. There may be people wanting you to fail but there are far more wanting you to succeed :) You can do it. I know you can. Just remember that God is always here for all of us, he will never abandon you.

I don't really know what else to tell you right now but I'm sure as we get older I'll have much more to say to you :P. Much of it will probably be ignored but that's ok. I'll still say it anyway. I can't wait to see you! I bought some starter up shoes for you, so no worries about that :P You'll love them. Anyway there's my letter to you. Hope to see you within the next two weeks(!!)

Love,

Mom

PS: Love this song

Lyrics:
Sent to this earth
You were saved through the ages
for this day and time
Child of great worth
Child of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were held in a circle
and you were blessed

Chorus:
And the Father looked down
And the angels surrounded that place
They knew the truth, all that you could do
And you will, too, if you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you

Dressed in white once more
Making promises to follow in God's way
So much lies in store
For the little girl who enters at the gate
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were led into the water and you were blessed

Repeat Chorus

Do you understand who you are
Part of the Father lives in you
If you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true

Heaven on earth
In the house of God, so much fills your heart
and mind
Woman of great worth
Woman of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a long, white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed

And the Father looks down
And the angels surround that place
They know the truth, all that you can do
And you do, too, 'cause you have eyes to see
what heaven sees in you

Will you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you

*This song is by Mindy Gledhill

The Temple

Recently I had a friend ask me what I loved about going through the temple. And with all the weddings that have been going on its hard not to reflect on that beautiful house. For those who haven’t gone through it is almost foreign, those who do go through rarely talk about what goes on in there and it feels almost secretive in a way. I remember having that feeling about a year ago. Granted most people didn’t obsess about it as much as I did but people are still curious. Back to the question :P It’s hard to pinpoint just one or even two things I love about it. I have always loved visiting the grounds and I hope that I can instill that same love to my children. There’s power in even just sitting on the grounds. They are so cleanly kept and maintained so no matter what season it is they always look beautiful. So I guess the first thing I love is the grounds. I love the feeling you receive upon entering, the peace and relief is wonderful. I have felt it many times. The past few months I admit I lost sight of that. The temple wasn’t giving me as much joy as I thought it ought to but as I entered with a different attitude this time I felt that peace once again, a peace that I haven’t felt in almost seven months now. Sure I was going every couple weeks but I wasn’t allowing my burdens to be lifted. Turing things over to the Lord is difficult for me especially when I don’t know his plans for me. This past time I did, and honestly I felt…happy. I love the promises given inside. Sure they go both ways but if you listen there are some very powerful things said. It’s in the tough times that you really listen and reflect on the words as well as the feelings. It’s in those moments that you realize that yes you are taking on some hefty promises but the rewards are far sweeter then you can imagine. I try to focus on one thing every time so things don’t get too overwhelming and it’s amazing how much I learn. Over the past few months (and really from the beginning) I have felt the presence of my unborn child. It sounds strange but the strength I receive from her little spirit is amazing. I feel closest to her in the temple and quite honestly she loves it in there :) When I get to the end of the endowment she is literally trying to escape. It’s quite interesting. She’s not the only one I feel for there are countless others, but the love I feel from all of them is amazing. You don’t realize it but we are constantly being watched over, I just feel closer to them there. I could go on and on but those are some of the things I love. Each experience is different and everyone is different. That’s the beauty of it I suppose, it’s personal. And I will never let myself become complacent. I have and always will love the temple. Nothing will ever prevent me from not having that temple recommend in my hand. Any trials that come my way and whatever the future holds for me I know that if I continue to do this for me and my daughter that we will both be strong. I can’t wait for the day when I can take her through and I hope that I will have the strength to teach her of how important the temple is.