Another Covid Ayla's Stocking

 This year has been flying by and I can't believe that we are a month and a half away from another Christmas! I feel like this year I've been playing catch up and now I am just starting to think about all that the Christmas season brings, including my yearly donation to the hospice in Ayla's name. I have been reflecting a lot on Ayla and her life the last couple weeks as I spend a great deal of time in the hospital with Felix.

I had an experience last week as we were doing a bunch of testing for Felix. One of the tests was a x-ray of Felix's lungs. I had to watch them put him in this tube-like thing so that he wouldn't move. I was waiting outside and as I was listening to my poor boy screaming I looked up to see the sign for MRI and CT scans and my mind went right to those hours spent in that exact spot. I was in the PICU with Ayla so I didn't enter through the usual way to those rooms and this caught me off guard. It took a few minutes of deep breaths to remind myself that I was with Felix in 2021 not with Ayla in 2012. Though Felix's testing was routine and nothing to be concerned about I felt very taken back with memories and with feelings of sadness that it doesn't matter where you are in life, those memories stick. 

Right now with the pandemic still at the forefront of people's minds I know that I"m tired and I can only imagine how isolating those who have immunocompromised children feel. Felix is at a point with his health that I know that if he were to catch a cold he would be fine. For some that's not the case. If Ayla had been sick during covid I would not have had the support I had back in 2012. It would have been Arles and I for three weeks and honestly, I can't imagine doing it alone; I had visitors and I had my family all there to support me. Last year's Christmas was hard, but I feel like this years will be even more difficult for those staying both in the hospice, and the hospital. 

As with everything else, covid had changed how we do things so this year's Ayla's Stocking will be different as well. My usual list is much smaller but my contact said that now more than ever, they really need these donations. Covid has hit many families hard and with so many in and out of work they can't afford or even have the mental capacity to handle very hard diagnosis'. 

This year they are requesting:

    -Gift cards of any kind (Walmart, Michaels, Toys R Us, Starbucks, Tim Horton's)

    -New toys in the package

They can't take any clothes or books at this time. A good rule of thumb is, as long as it's easily able to be sanitized, it's okay to give. I plan to deliver them mid December, I'm just waiting on Felix's bronchoscopy procedure appointment to know for sure when I will be there next. 

I hope that next year we can get back to "normal" but I thank you for your help through not only my hard times, but other's as well. The best way I have found to help my mental health, is to reach out to others when I can. Please find someone to serve this holiday season. We all need it :).

Mother's Day 2021

It seems that the longer I am an adult, the more I learn about motherhood and womanhood in general. It seems like as a child, and for me, even as a teenager I thought about all the grand parts of having children in my life. I mean, they are pretty cute, and of course they will just love you all the time. The tiny tantrums and sleepless nights will be minuscule compared to the hours of love and affection you get. And of course, you will love it all the time. 

Not to burst any bubbles, but it's not fun all the time. There are so many days that I question if I am even doing a good enough job. I have two teenagers and one baby who's needs are vastly different, trying to give any child exactly what they need has been a steep learning curve. Aside from being a stepmom and being thrown right in, I also got thrown into being a mom to a medical needs child. Most days it's okay, but others I am left feeling defeated.

I always thought moms had it together. They knew exactly what to say and they knew how to be patient and kind even when things were crazy. Then I became a mom. Boy was I wrong. I wonder if the way I handle things will lead to my child talking about me in therapy one day and if I am fostering an environment where they feel loved. I do know that I'm doing my best and that likely I won't screw them up too much. But I have had some really low moments over the last year. We all have. 

When I started thinking about this post a month ago I thought about all the lessons I had learned that I didn't want to but than I remembered how much I wanted this. When Ayla died I would cry and cry thinking that I had been wronged. How the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Here I am eight years later doing exactly that. 

I first had to navigate how to feel like a mother with other peoples children and I learned that being a mother is so much more than biology. It is loving and caring for those around you like you would your own family. My job was so good for that, I learned that in those I cared for eyes, I was a role model and a safe place. And I didn't always like it, but I always loved it. 

Now I have the same mentality; I don't always like it, but I will always love it. I sometimes don't handle it the best, I sometimes question my sanity, and I am not perfect. But I think that showing that isn't all bad, my kids know that no matter what, I choose to be there every day. Especially with my two oldest they didn't come to me in the traditional way, I choose to be their mom and although they may not like me sometimes, and I definitely struggle with attitude being thrown my way, I still love them. 

So this Mother's Day I want to remind you that

•  You don't need to be perfect
• You don't have to feel like you need to like it all the time
• It's okay to have off days
• Biology is a small part in motherhood
• You can do this

I hope that next year we woman can hug and support each other more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day whether you're a mom through your own children, or in your heart. 

2021: Please be Better

 Looking back I realized last year I never made a word of the year. I always meant to but between nearing the end of my pregnancy, than everything that came after I just got swept up in life and survival mode. Honestly 2020 was not the best year for me. I learned many lessons for sure but not one thing I planned went my way. Even going into this year I just feel tired. I believe we can all relate, 2020 just about did us all in and the way it ended here didn't leave much hope that this year will be better. Mental health wise we all took a hit and speaking for myself I really struggled. As if Covid wasn't enough adding the fact that during this year only one parent was allowed to go for Felix's appointments at the CF clinic was extremely difficult and overwhelming, not that Chris would come to many otherwise, but those first few months there wasn't one appointment that I didn't leave feeling defeated. I think the only time I felt more anxious and alone was 2012 but at least then I was able to feel arms around me engulfing me in a hug. This year lacked the human need of touch, we were all robbed of that. I hope that we can regain that ability soon.  

Okay, enough of the doom and gloom because there's enough of that out there. 2020 also held some really great moments. I was able to bring my son into the world, and it never ceases to amaze me what the body can do. Even now I look at him and wonder how I was able to grow this tiny person with his own personality; he truly has been my light this year. Even on my worst days I had him relying on me for his every need and the smile on his face when I go to get him always brought me a smile. He is such a sweet baby and we were lucky to have him. Chris was also able to be here for all the special moments he otherwise would have missed out on. Not to mention Felix adores him. I always knew that Felix would be his shadow but it's neat to see that come through. He loves his daddy. 

Because of 2020 lockdowns Melissa and Kaylee were able to spend so much time with not only Chris and I, but Felix as well. I was young when my siblings were born and I know that in the long run the girls will take the lessons they learned in our home during this time to heart. I was able to have some real conversations and talk through some hard things. I'm not a perfect mother and they saw that first hand, it's scary but I think it's so important that they see that I'm human too and I have some scars that I still have to work through. They struggled too. All of us were used to at least a little time apart with sleepovers and friend dates but we were forced to spend A LOT of time together. I hope that when they become adults they look back and are grateful that we spent so much time together. 

Felix didn't know what he was missing because for him masks and distancing was normal. I hate to say this is a precursor for what CF may one day bring him but it's opened my eyes to how vigilant we have to be about hygiene. Washing hands, staying home when ill, and sanitizing high traffic areas like doorknobs and light switches is second nature now. My only regret with Felix is that he hasn't learned to socialize with other babies. I think for all covid babies it'll be a shock when they suddenly are thrown into situations where they have to share and play. It's pretty sad actually that these kids are learning to be afraid of others rather than just being able to play and interact. Children learn so much from play, I hope that Felix will be able to learn this skill soon. 

Now, for 2021 my word is health. My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health. 

I neglected my mental health so much last year that it messed with my ability to function normally. Not only that, but I felt I couldn't reach out because we weren't allowed to be within 6 feet of each other. Even my counsellor was told in March that unless there was a suicidal client that they were not suppose to take anyone on. That didn't sit well with her so she gave me her number in case I needed her. It took until May for me to have a meeting with her and then by November it was back to what it was. So this year I am going to try to listen to what my body is telling me and seek out help even if I feel silly for doing so. To this day I doubt anyone other than my family truly knew how bad I was getting. 

To go along with that is my physical health. With a baby it's really hard to take time for yourself at the best of times. But I felt the need to be super mom and my physical health suffered because of it. I take full responsibility for how I pushed myself but sometimes all you need is a nap and some veggies. And my girls and Chris are fully capable of making their own lunches. I allowed my perfectionist ways to trump what my body is telling me. Already I told them that there will be times that I will take some time for myself and not have all the dishes done, laundry in the wash, and Felix's toys picked up. I've already taken some steps to improve how I feel about myself, and already feel better for it!

Last is spiritual health. Much of how I feel rides on my ability to connect to God and not that it's for everyone, but for me I love worshiping with others. Pretty much from the time I gave birth until now I have had a disconnect from God. This is hard to explain but honestly I was angry that after everything thrown both Chris and my way he would add what I felt was a death sentence to my son (I have since learned that there is so much hope for him but at the time all I knew was my cousin died from CF). I was looking forward to feeding off others spirits while I regained my faith, then things shut down and I wasn't able to do that anymore. It's been a struggle and many nights of going through the motions. I feel Him more than I did in March but I'm still working to get back to where I was before this all happened. I know He loves me and is fully aware of my struggles but I hope that as I focus more on rebuilding that trust that I come out stronger than I was before. 

Well, that was a novel and kudos to you if you made it this far. So really I just hope that by this time next year we will all be able to say that we made it out in one piece. If you are feeling alone like I was please reach out and know that you are not alone. 

Let's make 2021 better!